Marriage

I was going to post this on the personal relationships thread. But I think it would be off the radar for most people. It was written in 1910 by Joseph Benner, who, in my opinion, is an enlightened dude indeed.

"Do not think for one moment that it was an accident or a mistake that you are wedded to the one who is now legally your husband or wife. For God never makes a mistake. There is a deep purpose in your coming into such special relationship with this other soul. The human mind knows not why it is here in this particular condition and environment, but the soul – if it is awakened – knows, and with the help of God will often try to tell the human mind. Some of you who are approaching spiritual maturity have been able to glimpse the purpose of such relationship. You are those who will understand what follows.

Two souls never come together intimately in any family or other relationship who do not in some way belong together. That is, they either complement or fit in with one another in such a way as to bring about or fulfil certain necessary conditions that will develop and round out their characters and bring wisdom to their souls, so that harmony may eventually arise. The principal reason for the one coming to you as husband or wife in this life is to help each of you to learn your lessons, which evidently you failed to learn in the past, and this time to strive more determinedly to conquer those qualities or weakness in you which the other seems uncannily able constantly to bring to the surface.

Perhaps the husband or the wife you have, you think is far from being suited to you or capable of helping along your path, being only a hindrance and detriment, instead. You may even be contemplating leaving or wishing you could leave that one for another who sympathises and joins with you in your aspirations, and therefore seems more nearly your ideal. However, know that you cannot run away from your own personality, which, if there is discord within you, is where the problem really lies. In selfish craving for the "perfect mate" you may attract only one who will force you to a tenfold longer and harder search among the illusions of the mind, before you can again awaken to the quiet voice of God speaking within.

While a sympathetic and yielding mate might only encourage selfishness, conceit and personal pride; a tyrannical, suspicious, nagging mate may provide the soul discipline you still need. Of course, if you are still quite selfish and headstrong, and refuse to face yourself and see only those qualities in the other which show up your own weaknesses so glaringly, and you rebel against it all and seek to remain apart from the other, it only postpones the happiness and peace your human mind seeks and which your soul longs for and keeps urging you toward.

On the other hand, where "human love" is still very strong and selfish, and unwilling to allow the other the freedom of life and thought which you insist upon having for yourself, and you try to force that other to think and see as you love to do – you will have to learn through much suffering and unhappiness that the strongest demand of the soul is for perfect freedom, and that one who would bind another soul can expect not love, but rebellion, deceit and constant antagonism, if not smothered hatred.

The soul therefore seeks to lift human love into divine love, which unties deeply with the soul of the other, in a great yearning to bring the other consciously into a true understanding of the purpose of their coming together in marriage and consequently into the same joy of the Lord."

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The soul therefore seeks to lift human love into divine love, which unties deeply with the soul of the other

(that was meant to read "unites deeply with the soul of the other". My Edit doesn't seem to working)

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I just want to share a few of my own views about Benner’s comments. I’ve got this bubbling up inside, so I’m going to use JU to express it

Do not think for one moment that it was an accident or a mistake that you are wedded to the one who is now legally your husband or wife. For God never makes a mistake.

While a sympathetic and yielding mate might only encourage selfishness, conceit and personal pride; a tyrannical, suspicious, nagging mate may provide the soul discipline you still need.

What if we find irreconcilable differences arise in a marriage? Are we to stay with our partner, regardless? Or does it mean that God really has made a mistake?

Benner’s insights were in context with those who have found ‘the one’, but who don’t recognise it yet. I think this is common for most people. Our soul’s agenda is often different to our personality’s. (While the soul seeks to accumulate more spiritual wealth and strength, the personality seeks to accumulate more worldly riches and wealth, which often includes our searching for the ‘perfect spouse’ – i.e. flawless and terrific looking etc.)

I saw the movie ‘Wuthering Heights’ the other day, and it illustrated a similar principle. The woman finds her soul mate in the form of a dirty stable boy, but she gets lured by the attractions of the world and leaves him for a rich bloke with loads of money. She eventually finds that she and the rich man aren’t compatible after all, and ends up in a mess. The twist to that story is that the dirty stable boy turns up later in her life and has since become a millionaire.

Benner claims that if we learn about patience and the true meaning of love, and if we can learn to exercise soul discipline in a marriage, then our imperfect partner, who we’re currently with, often turns out to be ‘the one’ after all, as they’re perfectly suited for us, in a deeper way.

What about instances in marriage where irreconcilable differences arise? Consider domestic abuse, for example. If Jesus taught us to “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who ill-treat you” (Luke 6.27), then does this imply we should stay with our partner regardless, and try to do good, even if the abuse doesn’t go away?

Sometimes we are led to adhere to Jesus’ words in Matthew 10.14, where He says that if others refuse to accept the love we have to offer, the best thing to do is to “Leave that place and shake the dust off your feet.” God wouldn’t have made a mistake in our meeting the other, because such an experience would have added great wisdom, learning and strength to our soul. It would all have been part of God’s plan. As for the abuser, to learn that their actions are unacceptable would be a step in the right direction even for them. When Jesus said to “love one another as yourself”, I think he was implying that we need to include ourself.

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