"Brian, I need to talk to you about something..."
That's how the beginning of the end started a couple of months ago. I knew it was coming and thought i was prepared for it. But when she told me she was leaving it really didn't sink in at first. It was like i was outsde of myself watching this all play out. Almost surreal in some ways.
She said that it wasn't me or our relationship (which was very good). It was a few things. Mainly that she couldn't make the kind of life for herself where we live. She told me that her family was opening their own business in California, and they had asked her to come home and become part of it. I think it was an opportunity for her to possibly mend a few fences in her family and make up for lost time as well. (she left home at a fairly young age). I sat there for a second taking it all in. Being the overanalytical neurotic type that i am, i asked her a few questions.
"Did i do something to bring her to this decision?" I asked
"No" she said. "It's something that i have been mulling over for quite a while now, i just didn't want to tell you until i made up my mind"
Knowing that i could really say something stupid in a situation like this, i thought about it for a second .
"When are you planning to go?"
"In two months. Beginning of April is what i'm thinking." She replied.
So i asked her the details. You know, the usual stuff like "Driving or flying?" "U-Haul or Movers?" "What about the cat?" Etc.....Etc....Etc...
After a few days had went by, i thought i was ok with the whole thing. We had been together for six of the happiest months of my life. When i met her i was at a low point in my life, and she dragged me back to the surface. She's smart, funny, Makes quite possibly the best cheesecake in the world, and made me smile whenever i felt sad or depressed about life. We could talk about anything, and she could hold her own with me on any topic. (not that i'm a master of conversation or anything, just that we were seemingly so compatible) We had similar beliefs about the universe, philosophy, religion and a lot of other things. Too many to mention really. She liked my cooking and put up with my snoring after a few beers. When i would come home from a long road trip she would be waiting for me. Wanting to hear about all the wacky hijinks that me and my co-workers get ourselves into. We could sit silently for hours and not feel uncomfortable. Or act like total idiots together and laugh all night.
I didn't realize at the time how hard it would be for me to let her go. I think i was in denial at this point. The kind of denial like a Jedi mind trick. Where you consciously know that she's leaving but everything's ok. Like planning how we would move her and her stuff (she took the cat BTW) And what we would do in the meantime. I told her to think up a list of things she wanted to do before she left town, and i would to my best to fulfill it. I rented a big SUV for the trip, bought the kitty a cat carrier (NOTE: Inserting an un-neutered male cat into a pet carrier for a long road trip requires a chainmail glove and a lot of patience) And took 5 days off from work. Easy right?
The date of her departure arrived. April 1st. She had said her goodbyes to all of her friends (turns out she had more than she knew) and we packed up the truck and headed west. The drive from Salt Lake City to Eureka California is about 12-14 hours, so we had a lot of time to talk. That is until the kitty decided he REALLY didn't like the plastic sarcauphagus that was the KITTY CADDY (tm). He starts freaking out and meowing for what seemed like an eternity (almost 200 miles at one stretch). I think he was about as thrilled at the move as i was. The difference is that he was aware that he didn't like what was going on, whereas i was quite clueless. More like a dog before a visit to the vet really...Eventually he shut up somewhere around Reno.
We reached our destination around midnight. Eureka is a nice little town almost 300 miles north of San Francisco on the coast. It reminds me of the town from "Twin Peaks".
We check into our hotel and call it a night
The next day is a day most men dread....MEETING THE PARENTS! Many a strong man has crumbled into a weeping pile of jelly in front of the girlfriends parents.
I kept thinking things like....
"They know i've been doing dirty things to their innocent little girl...I'm dead!"
" What if her mom hates me?" (Any truly wise man knows the fathers opinion really doesnt mean much if the mom likes you)
"What if they think i'm some slacker who's not good enough for her?"
"Why am i acting like such a pussy about this?"
We meet....They LIKE me! and i LIKE them as well!. I'm not going to die after all!
So we decide to go check out some of the more scenic areas, me being basically a tourist and all. She showed me around this little town called Ferndale, which is one of those "historic" little towns that seem to pop up everywhere you go. We went to an old fashioned mercantile store and got some rock candy and chocolate licorice and strolled around like a couple of high school kids on a first date. Then we drove down to the beach and watched the sunset. I didn't realize it at the time...But it would be the last one we would share together.
We got all dressed up and went out to a nice restaruant , and visited a friend of hers who owns an art gallery. then we went to see "Sin City" which she had been begging me to see. We held hands in the theater. Now that i think about it...I watched her more than i watched the movie. We went back to the hotel and did what couples do (i'll spare you the gory details) And held each other until we fell asleep.
I realized that this was the last time we would share a moment like this. And i think a little part of me died that night.
The next morning came and it was time for me to head home. We went over to her parents house and unloaded the truck. I said my goodbyes to her family and we headed out to the truck to say our goodbyes as well. At first we both tried to put on the brave faces and act as everything would be ok...That lasted about five seconds. This is when we both got a little emotional when it came time for me to leave. We sat in the truck for an hour just holding on to each other and saying how everything would be ok, and life would go on, and that how it wasnt goodbye...It was see ya later. I kissed her and she walked into her parents house, and out of my life.
I made it about two blocks away and stopped at a coffee shop to grab a cup for the road. I went and got my coffee and jumped back in the truck. I looked over at the passenger seat and for half a second i wondered "where the hell is she?" Then it kicked in a little harder. She's gone man! What the fuck are you thinking...where is she? she's gone!
The drive home was quite possibly the loneliest 16 hours i have ever spent. There was a blizzard on Donner's Pass and it added another 4 hours onto the drive. 16 hours of me and my brain all alone. With nothing but darkness ahead of me and my thoughts sitting shotgun. At first i tried to not think about it. Then i tried to re-convince myself that it was the best thing for her. Then i finally decided that it was time to act like an adult and make peace with it. By the time i hit home it was 6:30 in the morning. I was exhausted from the drive and went in the house, poured myself a jamisons, fired up a big fat joint and sat in the darkness for a while. eventualy imade my way to the bedroom and passed out.
I woke up that afternoon around 4 pm. Which is rare for me to sleep that late. Even after that drive. As i lay in bed thinking about what had happened, and the fact she would no longer be a daily part of my life, i decided i would be a brave little soldier and that everything would be ok. I rolled over onto what used to be her side of the bed and that's when i almost lost it.
I could still smell her perfume on the pillow.
That's when the whole thing came up and hit me with the full force of a ton of bricks. I thought i was this big tough guy who could handle anything. I have had friends die on me, tried to destroy myself for years, and THIS is what was gonna break me? Guess i wasn't the tough guy i always thought i was. I missed her more than ever before. I couldn't even get out of the bed. I just layed there staring at the ceiling. I was alone, and now i fully realized it.
It hurts.
It's only now that i can talk about it. I have no idea why i chose this as a topic for my blog. Maybe somewhere deep in my mind my subconscious is finding some theraputic value by putting it on the web for all to see. To share my pain and loss. To open my heart up and lay it on the table so to speak. All i know is i do feel a little better. It will take a while, but i think i will be ok. I have spoken to her many times to check up on her, and outside of some small town boredom, she is doing well. I'm happy for her. And a little sad as well.
I miss you Amber. And thank you for bringing some light into an otherwise dark place.
Thanks for reading,
thatoneguyinslc
