It's Sunday now. Not that really means a whole lot to some people. I worked today, which is pretty par for the course. Got sent home early, which is usually what happens on Sundays. It's just not very busy, which suited me just fine. I had a case of Anal Glaucoma anyways. In other words, I couldn't see a reason for my ass to be at work. It was just one of those lazy days more or less.
Geek is home from his trip back to his home town. Apparently he had a good trip, which is nice. I always like to hear that good things are happening for the people I have taken an interest in, whatever that interest is. However, nothing really has changed. I was kind of hoping (and this is what I get for hoping perhaps) that he would be excited to get to talk to me cause he hadn't seen me since Wednesday and, aside from a few random spurts of conversation, it's pretty much just been blah. Ok, I realize that I'm the only socially mal-adjusted person out there who sits online and does nothing and kind of hopes/expects that the people she's online with that she's becoming/became friends would actually like to sit down and have a conversation. Especially ones you haven't seen in like 4 or 5 days. But I think that's just me being silly again. I mean, afterall, things have always ran kind of hot and cold with Geek. One minute spurty silence and then the next make out session on my couch. Ok, so it's hard to make out in cyberspace. I'll give that one up there. I guess I had just hoped that I had maintained some ounce of importance. That's not the right thing to say there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wanted to feel like I was actually becoming a friend. Someone to talk to, hang out with - whatever. Right now I kind of feel like a hanger-on. Just a random edge of the crowd that's always there and usually pretty annoying... someone on the outside looking in more or less. Ok, so much defense here for Geek. He's a busy college student with a full life and blah blah blah that he had going on prior to meeting me. Here I am, just a lump in a chair, doing nothing. I go to work, I come home. That's pretty much my life except for D&D games and random haphazard last minute hangings out with friends. It's just the way that it works out, at least for me at any rate. I guess I wish I just didn't feel like I was being humored in some great random thing that's going on in the universe. Before his trip, Geek and I went out to dinner. I had a great time, but I have the nagging sensation that he didn't. Like I talk too much (which I probably do. I mean, my blog runneth over.), or that I had bad breath or (dramatic music here) he just didn't know how to tell me that now that we've had sex he doesn't really want to hang out anymore and that he was just going through the motions because he felt morally obligated to. Either that or I'm just crazy, which is the most likely of all explanations.
One thing that Geek said to me today that has made me do a lot of thinking was that the world wasn't ready for two of me. Hrm... am I that good or that bad? I guess only time will ultimately tell on that score. But, if just knowing me this long, he already can sense the inner crazy that is me, that there shouldn't be just one of me, let alone two... it kind of makes me wonder what everyone else thinks about me too. I'm sure it was an innocious statement. It was kind of cute in a random universe kind of way. I'm just so overly sensitive these days that everything makes me wonder if there is some hidden agenda, some randomness under the surface that somehow means that I'm not a good person, that I'm not worthy of human contact, that I'm really as ugly as I think I am... insert 50 million negative things here. Darn it all. I hate being so darned insecure.
So, why hasn't anyone printed a life manual yet? Like, if soandso says this it really means this. A male translation guide! That would be so helpful! I'm at such a complete loss at this point that I'm just about to give up. Do I ask him if he wants to hang out some more, or do I just wait for him to make a move? If he doesn't make a move soon does that mean that ultimately I was right about him not wanting to hang out with me some more, or that he's just so shy he was waiting for me? I mean, there are infinite possibilities of thought here, and just as many reasons for every different outcome. Hrm. Maybe I should just try being straightforward. But, where's the fun in that?
