“Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”
As I get older, naturally I’m learning more and will even go as far as to say I’m becoming wiser. I’m sure I’ll never reach a state of nirvana in the little wisdom I have, but accomplishing and realizing life and what it’s all about is something I feel I’m learning and growing more in everyday.
The only thing I know for certain is that nothing is certain except that God is God. The only thing constant in the world today is change. I’m pretty sure of this, though: the purpose of life has everything to do with relationships. First and foremost should be our relationship with God. Second and almost as important is our relationships with other people. Life isn’t about money or fame. It’s not about material items or about winning. It’s not about you and everything you want. It’s about relationships. Life is all about other people and how they affect our lives.
People will come into your life and leave your life for reasons that you could never have seen coming. People will betray you and people hurt you. Hurt is one of the most inevitable things that life brings.
Whether we want to admit it or not, every child wants a good relationship with his or her parents. That’s the foundation of our life. I’ve seen so many teens so fucked up, and I can honestly say that it’s mostly the fault of their parents. The more I talk to my peers, the more I realize how much our parents influence us. If I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom, I honest to God don’t know where I would be today. If my parents had no faith or trust in me, I know I’d be so much more fucked up.
I know so many who can look deep down at themselves and their peers and evaluate who they are today based on the influence their parents have. Who am I to preach to parents? No one. I have no right to tell parents what they’re doing right or wrong. But I can look at their children, the ones who share their secrets with me, and tell you that you’re doing a damn awful job.
We need love and respect. Respect is something earned, and you need to earn our respect before you expect us to give you any. Should we respect you, regardless? Yes. Will we respect you, regardless? No. When we get to the teen years we need you more than ever. But, we don’t need condemnation, judgment and a load of restrictions. We need balance, respect, encouragement, love and a relationship built on trust. There is no such thing as the perfect parent, but there is such a thing as a great parent. You are older and wiser. You should lead and guide us. You are called to be our authority, but it’s only going to work the way it should if there’s mutual respect.
Give your child some le-way. I can’t understand how some parents don’t see this. You look at your child and think you need to protect him from everything in the world that’s out to get him. I’m sure every parent feels this, and rightly so. You feel responsible, and so you should. But you’re not going to be able to protect us forever.
You have to let us make our own mistakes. If you haven’t trained us well enough by age 16 to make a lot of our decisions based on our own good judgment that you should have instilled in us since before we were born, then you won’t. If we haven’t learned by age 16, we never will. Of course we still need you. We still need your guidance. We even need you more than ever to make help make some decisions with us. But most of us don’t need you to run our lives anymore. We still have so much growing to do, but we have so much more capability than you give us credit for. Sure, we may think differently than you and we may even choose a different path than you may have dreamed for us. But, it’s our lives and pushing and prodding us this way and that is only going to make us rebel. If you repetitively force your will on our lives, and that is what our “relationship” is based upon, we will only want to do the opposite.
We want your suggestions and your input, but we want to live and make our own mistakes. A lot of us only learn by trail and error. Some kids, no matter how many times you tell us not to touch the hot stove, have to learn by ourselves. Trying to keep us in the playpen our whole lives, just so we don’t touch the stove, isn’t going to work. We’re going to find a way to get out.
We deal with so many issues that some of you have no idea about. You may think you know, but unless you have a good relationship and talk with your child, you don’t know. You can go through our stuff and find our journals, which I’m sure some parents have done. You might think you know why we are the way we are. We go so far beyond surface issues. Talk to us, like you’re our friend. That’s really, honest to God, what we want at this age. We want to be able to tell you what’s going on in our lives beyond who won the basketball game. We may never tell you everything that’s going on. We might not tell you the secrets of our souls. But, then again, if we felt like you would listen, try to understand, and just be there for us, we might.
I think the greatest compliment a parent can receive is to be told by their child that they’ve been the greatest influence in their life. It may be true that the greatest influence on a child’s life is his parents, regardless. But, when your child actually tells you this, he means it in a positive way and is thankful for your influence.
Thank you to all of the parents that understand this necessary balance. Thank you for loving us when we’re unlovable, and trying to understand us when we make no sense. Thank you for your encouragement and always keeping our best interest at heart.
~Sarah
