Ok, so I haven't really updated like I said I would... that's alright... don't think anyone has read it, so ultimately I guess it really doesn't matter.
Life has a way of changing sometimes. I know a lot of my current funk is mainly cause I'm out of my thyroid medicine, which has left me feeling blue and depressed and I'm also adding some PMS on top of it. Who says wild women don't get the blues? I know I certainly have.
I haven't really been living my life up to my own personal expectations as of late. I'm not entirely sure why really. I've been trying new things, exploring new avenues of thought and opening myself up to new possibilites everyday and yet I continue to feel stagnant. I mean, I'm even about to quit smoking so that's got to say just how far I've traveled mentally these past few weeks... me, who has used sickerettes as an emotional crutch for the past 9 years. Yet, I don't feel satisfied.
Perhaps part of it is that I kind of feel unwanted, unnecessary and unloved. I can't really specifically pinpoint one thing that leads me to these feelings, but a whole bunch of little things that push me over the edge. I feel kind of like I don't really matter a whole lot and to be honest am unsure how I got there. Did I change or did everyone else? Do my friends even still want me around? Do I still really have friends? Heck, did I ever have any to begin with? I take that back. Elf and NeoMaster have given so much of their time and energy to me.. affection and such... and yet... I guess getting down to brass tacks I could say that I feel useless. I'm not some spectacular human being, no sparkling wit, no jewel to behold... I'm none of these things and there are others around me constantly who are. I don't stand out and feel that I'm consequentally ignored.
F is going through a rough patch at the moment. An old friend from Jr. High School is about to pass away. Nothing can be done and he's not even 25. I don't like thinking about mortality on those terms. I'm really uncomfortable with it, but I'm doing my best to be understanding of the moodiness that is incumbant with the loss of someone you care about, not to mention the inevitable grief and anger as the healing process begins.
I know I'm rambling and not making a whole lot of sense in this, but since this is just for me I don't really care.
I'll come back to this later. I've got to go check out a character sheet for D&D.
