I am close to being 32 years old.
I once decided that, if I had not married, finished school, gotten into a career, etc. by the age of 30, my life was over.
During the past two years or so, and recent efforts having been complicated by my father's death and my decision to tell someone something that I probably never should've, I've been living my life as though it is already over. Sure, I do the usual things like eating. I play video games. Point is I've been content (for the most part) to remain trapped in my mediocre, self-pitying existence. Why I kept myself in this frame of mind for so long is beyond me. Could I change? I think it would take a lot of effort. I think I will also have to swallow the truth in a big way and realize there will be nobody there to tell me what to do. Whatever decisions I choose to make will, for better or for worse, be my own.
Fate sometimes calls us to move in different directions. Arizona may not seem to be a logical choice for me at first: the purpose of this move will initially be to attempt to reconnect with my family in that area. I try so hard not to read anything into it beyond that. It's hard. Expectations, hopes, dreams... all of these linger on my mind.
But one thing remains: I can't keep living like my life is over.
Yes, I have unfinished business. Yes, I'm still single. Yes, there are ways in which I act more lazy than necessary.
I've had other chances to move. I never took the bait. I guess I wasn't ready. I think I'm ready now. Of course, I still have this aggravating tendency to doubt myself. However, in some ways I've become a lot better at examining this doubt, where it comes from, and deciding what part of it is necessary.
I suppose it's a step. At any rate... only time will tell if I've made the right choice. I keep telling myself that I can't hope to escape anything by making this move... but why not at least try to make a conscious decision to end a pattern of self-destructive behavior? We all have our demons, I guess. But I think it's high time for mine to shut the fuck up.
I do not know if I will succeed. That's about the best I can do. At least it's better than saying I'm doomed to fail. I know it's all about making a conscious decision to DO something. And it's something I need to... that I MUST do.
So there you have it. What does it all mean?
I don't know yet. But somehow... that's okay.
