I am so frustrated right now.  I am just so sick of my "blood family".....not all, but most of them.  My step mom has always treated my dad's 4 oldest kids as lower class citizens.  I am just really starting to see some reality that I don't like.  I will start out by saying, my father is a retired minister, so keep that in mind as you read this. 

Recently, my oldest son started asking about being baptized.  We sat down with our pastor, and he feels that he is ready, and understands what he wants to do.  Me, being excited that my son would choose to follow God, and accept Jesus into his heart, called my dad and stepmom up to let them know and ask if they would be willing to be at the baptism.  Their response, "we will have to check our schedule".  It hurt that this would not be important to them.....a retired "minister" and his wife.  They haven't even shared the news with other important people in my family, something I would think a minister would be proud to announce.

I hardly ever get to talk to my dad, and when I do get to talk, it is a brief phone conversation, that he always says, "I love you."  But to me they are just empty words.  I practically have to beg them to spend time with me and the boys.  Granted, I live 100 miles away (I have done that on purpose), but these are the same people who travel every summer 800 miles to see their 2 youngest children, and stay there for a whole month.  I keep beating myself up, wondering when I will ever put an end to this stupidity.  I want them in my life, to be a part of it, but I get the rejection every time.

Instead they cater to my half sister, who calls herself a christian and single parent, but works as a stripper, and has passed her daughter off on them.  She rarely sees her daughter, and when she does, she does not spend quality time with her.  She tells her daughter she is working 2 jobs because she loves her and wants to be able to afford things for her, which is good, but doesn't replace the time my niece has lost having a real mother.  The sad thing is, my niece is turning into the same materialistic monster that her mother is.

I had a family once.....4 brothers that I adored.  The early days of my life I did feel love, despite horrific things that were going on around us.  My two older brothers may have picked on me, but they also taught me valuable lessons, including how to build a fort in the woods.  My younger brothers were there for me as well.  I miss feeling that love.  I have lost 2 brothers, which makes me yearn for my family even more, but it seems I am the only one who truly understands what it means to spend quality time together. 

I miss my family.  I have chosen not to live in my hometown, (where my father and his wife live) because of horrific memories, and the fact that if I lived there, the pain would be worse because I would be right under their nose, and they would still treat me this way.  It hurts, and I must choose to live my own life and hope that my boys understand what it means to spend quality time with the ones you love, because one day they will be gone.

I know this is probably a jumbled mess, but I just had to write some of my thoughts down....thanks for reading.