ANXIETY, HINDSIGHT, AND SO THERE! TO ALL MY RELATIVES!

I was crying my eyes out.

It was late summer of 1966. I had gone so far as to actually arrive at the ASU campus in Tempe, Arizona but was so filled with anxiety and fear that I could not go in. My cousin Ruthie, who had driven me there, was obviously ticked off at me, but after we sat there in the car for some time, and I sobbed uncontrollably, she drove us quietly away. We had something to eat at a restaurant (Sambo's? Denny's?) and went home.

I had graduated from Rincon High School in Tucson that June. My family had already moved to Oklahoma and I had stayed behind to finish, staying with a friend whose parents very generously not only allowed me to live in their house but took custody of me for those few months. After school was over, I went out to Oklahoma for a while, feeling awful, and came back to Phoenix to start college, only to chicken out (as explained above) and try to get a job. But I was still too young. My eighteenth birthday wouldn't be until October. Back I went to Oklahoma, where I worked a short time for a seamstress (one month, maybe) and then my family unexpectedly moved back to Arizona. I was getting dizzy going back and forth. By Christmas we were in an apartment in Phoenix and I made plans to start at the U of A (in Tucson) instead of ASU for the spring semester.

When I went down the Tucson after the holidays I had only the means to do a semester but had vague thoughts that I could continue if I got a job or a loan or something. I just forged ahead. Strangely, I didn't back out this time and although I was nervous, I registered and started classes. It was February of 1967.

I was living in the dorm with two roommates, girls from back east: Barb Stark from Schenectady, New York and Cathy Bontempo from Cleveland, Ohio. It was because I was Cathy's roommate that I met my future husband, the love of my life, in front of Arizona Hall that April. That few months, the mere blink of an eye in my life so far, focused the entire direction of things; and looking back, I can see how the planets aligned to bring us together. I have had anxiety all of my life, off and on, and now that I think of it, I'm very grateful. If it hadn't been for those tears, who knows? The best thing of all might have passed me by...

So, BFD, how did you come to be in front of Arizona Hall that April evening? Let's hear the rest of the story...

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It is amazing to me that after more than forty two (I know...hyphen) years together there are still things that I never knew about you. You have retained a mysterious quality through the years. So...how did I get there? Okay, maybe I can come up with a surprise or two for you.

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There is a Star Trek TNG episode called Tapestry. In it, they explore what happens when you change one thing about your past and how it unravels your present. If not for that fateful trip to ASU, you would never have met BFD or had such great children.

I also was born in Oct, so like you was only 17 upon gradutation. But then I was kind of pushed out of the nest once I did, so not going to school was never an option. But again like you, I was working on paying on a month to month basis (no possible help from the family as they had 6 others yet to feed and cloth).

All in all, my life turned out well, yours definitely did. Congratulations on the years with BFD. I can see where he gets his tenacity from. A marriage is a bonding of 2 to form a greater one. It is demonstrated in your case.

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Maybe I should've called this one "gratitude".

At this point in my life, I am trying to be grateful for everything, not just the things that are obviously "good." And I'm discovering that, if you are grateful for something, it becomes a sweet thing to you, even if you didn't welcome it at first. Then you are even more grateful for your some of your adversities than for some of your blessings, if such a thing is possible. This is a scary process. And being human, I can never quite bring myself to ask for troubles! But for example, take Christmases; the years when I faced problems or grief are the ones I remember and love the most. They weren't "ruined," They were made holy. Because they were somehow for my good, even though I couldn't see it yet. This is part of what makes me a true believer. I got an email recently that said "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain." I don't know who said it, but he was right.

Now I am not naturally an optimist; I had to learn it all in the midst of difficulties which may seem a bit mild to some folks, but were tailor-made for me. I call it "mortality soup" this crazy life, and we're all in it together.

Thanks, Doc.

My favorite Star Trek TNG is the one where Picard is knocked out by a probe and lives an entire other life in about 25 minutes, as I recall. I think it's called "The Light Within" I'm going to have to do some thinking to call up the episode you mentioned. I am reminded of "It's a Wonderful Life." These are basically time-travel stories, which fascinate me if they are done skillfully.

Stay tuned for BFD's half of the story. This sort of thing really makes you think about life and what it all means.

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My favorite Star Trek TNG is the one where Picard is knocked out by a probe and lives an entire other life in about 25 minutes, as I recall.

It is one of my favorites as well!

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