and yet his love always felt so pure. I took what I could get like a begger child across the border. I fed my alcoholic parents.
What takes on the role of my alcoholic parents....... perhaps my horribly gay tainted childhood, or being a victim of social racism. Minu says my attraction to whities is old school, like i'm some kind of remnant from the ultra colonial days, a mirror of someone stuck in the 80's. I But my attraction is quite sexual and intellectual. Stop lying to yourself Kiki, the attraction is thorough.
And now that I realize how his love was so third class, I want something more. And finally, finally I believe that I deserve more. Well homeboys bring it on. This is still the same old Kiki, except 4 shades more jaded. With the same super sarcastic witty sense of humour. Less of a sex drive, some more marks on my body. But still attractive. He knows it too, I'm just waiting for someone nicer. He aint no fool.
On the other hand, his love and affection is something I always had to work for. That felt all kinds of normal to me. Perhaps just some good quality time with friends will bring my head to a level, where I fully realize that I deserve better from a Man, even if he is putting out.
Now I start to think of all the young, innocent times and the times when our love felt so pure. The loud sounds in the bathrooms, the silly fights, the good make up sex. The compliments. The fights that I instigated....... those were beautiful. Jesus, send me someone to make me believe I deserve more. Not to make myself believe that his tainted love is all I really deserve.
