It's been 20 hours since I last heard from Tommy. Geez, why do I worry? I'm not sure if he's been admitted to the hospital like he thought. Of course, he can't call me because it would look bad after he's relayed his sob story about me. But, then, again, he could have had to sleep on the street, or in the waiting room all night. I half expected to get a call at 7 am or somewhere in that vicinity. But, I wouldn't have heard the phone since I unplugged it so I wouldn't be disturbed.
Anyway, as of this morning, I know nothing about his whereabouts or what he's doing. I know, I should be happy, right? UGH. I love the big oaf. That's the whole thing...even though he's done such horrible deeds to me, I still love him. I am furious yes.... STILL. It bothers me that he'd use me in such a way. Love just doesn't dissipate that quickly.
I can't hate him.... I’m Christian. I know some might not understand the rule of thumb for Christians...it is commanded that we don't hate anyone . Hate the sin, but not the sinner. Tommy always reminded me of this. So, it's against my morals to hate him. Right now, I'd love never to see him again. I have realized just how controlling he really was toward me. The last two days have been heavenly. I have been able to be myself, and do the things I enjoy. Not with him telling me how to do them.
Unfortunately, not wanting to see him gets all mixed up with wondering where he's at and how he is. I guess when you've been with someone for a year, it's not like their memory is wiped clean from your mind. And the love in your heart just doesn't turn to stone instantly...oh in some cases for me, it has. I think, 'Is he ok?' 'Did he get hurt', 'Did he actually have a real heart attack?
…Oh breaking news. He just called. He’s in the hospital. I guess he got another new stint put in. Oh please. They do this just to get money. He had nothing wrong. Then he goes and tells me to find a way to get there. I don’t have one. How am I to do that. So he says ‘Ok, sell the furniture, for $150.’ Like anyone’s going to want it in the first place. Then he tells me to get in contact with other places around here to get a ride down there. I told him I do NOT want to be homeless. He said, ‘Fine, then I’ll call you sometime. I’m staying down here.’ UGH. Every time he’s in the hospital, he acts like he’s supposed to be treated like a king. He got all pissy with me, his dang attitude again, and tried to argue with me. I told him NOT to start. He had told me, the first time that he called that he’d gotten a stint (he expected me to call him back), and when I did call him back, he repeated he’d gotten a stint. Like I’m deaf. Ugh, don’t repeat it…I heard it once. He expects me to still go down there and live in a shelter. Good grief, I’m not about to do that. He can get a job, and get us a place. Ok, so a motel would be fine. But, he’s got to have a job. There’s no way I’m going through me having a job while he lazes around the place all day doing nothing, then spending all my money. Done did that already, once. Not again.
I guess they’re letting him out of the hospital today. Oh pity. Now he’s got no place to stay again. He told me he’d call me when he found a place. I mean, there’s a place, just a ways down the street he’s on where he stayed once when I kicked him out. It’s a homeless shelter for men, he can stay there. But, they put you to work, and he won’t do it. Of course, he needs to recoup from getting the stint (since they go up through the groin area to the heart). Hmmm now he says he’s got it all figured out. I don’t know what he’s got all figured out yet. Geez. I’m not living on the street, and that’s final! I have to wait another 5 minutes to call him back. In the meantime, I’ve called the place where I applied for the job. If I get that job, you can bet that I’m staying up here and not going back down to the sweltering heat in Phoenix. I mean, this job is something that I’ve been wishing to get for a very long time. Tommy wants me to go back to DialAmerica…. telemarketing. Yeah, so I can get all stressed out. No thank you. I loved it…he promised me that I wouldn’t have to work…just take my time in finding a job I enjoy. Now, it’s me who has to get the job first. Again. It’s happened before, and I’m not game for this to be repeated all over again.
