Day 53 Sunday August 15, 2004

Colder

Slept like shit. I Woke up at 3:00 am and couldn’t sleep anymore so I started blogging. Tried to return to bed at 7:00 pm but it didn't work.

Miek got up 7:20. She's changed again. Emotions are gone. She thinks I'm a nuisance now. Crying and all. Had a long and hard talk with her. She tells me to get a grip. Look at the future and try to imagine how it’s going to be. Not to dwell on losing her. Pick up my life.
Tells me I have to do that on my own. She can’t help me with that.

But you’re still living with me. We’re even sleeping in the same double bed. And you’re off limits now.

This seems like the worse day in my life. The distance between us has grown toward an unbearable gap…

Did some chores around the house. Some painting, some laundry. Kids are out playing all day. Have like no contact with you anymore.

I’m trying to find my grip and keeping up my strength. I haven’t cried today.

Made dinner. We ate it together with the kids. You even liked it. Kids went outside again. You’re only sitting on the sofa or in the garden keeping to yourself. How am I supposed to keep this up for 4.5 month?

Watched TV the four of us and ate some toast. Went to bed and took my drops again.

Fell asleep.

Reading this I feel like a cry baby. I’m sorry but this is how I still feel. In spite of ‘all you bloggers’ advice. I'll start to better myself tho coming week. I'll be alone all day this week so...

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Oh, bro. I know this shit hurts. I was there and I wouldn't want anyone else to have to feel it. Having said that, do not spend a week by yourself. The "hamster wheel" thinking will drive you to do really stupid things. You still want to fix it. Short of a stroke, she's not gonna change her mind. What do you like to do? Do you like to read? Go to a reading at a bookstore or something, but get busy. Isolation is a downward spiral.

J.

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