Sugar High Elf

Join Date 10/2004

Glutton for Punishment

Anyone who's read my stuff regularly knows the troubles I've had with my ex. For those of you who don't know what's going on, I'll sum up: we were in love, we were supposed to get married. Then, he found out his dad isn't really his dad, and he had an identity crisis. Because of this identity crisis, we broke up, but we were still together like we were before. We still spoke each night, he still came to see me, we still... well, you know. Then, after coming to see me one weekend, he started dating another girl five days later. Of course, he didn't tell me about it, I had to find out from his MySpace page. I confronted him with it, and we haven't spoken since. (Except for the one line email on my birthday that I didn't respond to)

Well, we still haven't spoken, but he's emailed me again. Apparently, the girlfriend dumped him and (because he can't just have one thing go wrong at a time) his grandfather is dying... again. (He's been sick and dying for over a year now) He writes this to me:

"Look I know I messed up and I know I hurt you. I was stupid. But I really need someone to talk to and you are the only one I feel like I can talk to. I won't blame you if you don't want to talk to me, but I really need you. I hope you call."

I don't know what to do. Personally, I don't want to call him. I don't want to be the fall-back girl. I don't want to be the one he calls when everything's going to shit and then be the one he leaves when something else comes along. But I'll be damned if I don't feel sorry for him and I want to help him. We've been through so much and shared so much that I feel like I can't just shut him out of my life, yet for my own good, I'm pretty sure I should.

Either way, I'm going to feel rotten. Either I'll feel bitchy for not calling him back, or I'll feel like a door mat if I do. The best thing to do is to email him back and say, "I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I can't help you." Now, I've just got to convince myself to do it.

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Sorry you are in such a tough situation. Stay strong, though. You shouldn't have to be his fall back girl. Offer him what comfort you can...but make it clear that you will only do so much.

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I think that's the right thing to do Jess, just tell him, I'm sorry, but no.

You're too good of a girl to be treated like he treated you. And that's the way it is. He can't just use you whenever he wants. Tough titties said the kitty.

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You can feel sorry for him and want to help him out, but you have a greater responsibility to yourself. Even if you've forgiven him for what he has done (which I'm not sure you have), forgive =/= forget. You can have forgiven him completely and still not trust him to not mess with your head and your heart again.

I don't even think you owe him a lot of politeness when (if) you email him back. The fact that he's calling you because his girlfriend dumped him? Yeah, he is asking you to be his back up plan.

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It's hard to be strong but you should be tough. He hurt you. He didn't treat you with love and respect. He doesn't deserve your comfort now.

btw, I talk tough but I would have a hard time blowing him off so I know what you are talking about there. I would think he still wants me, he still needs me but really the question is can you take being hurt by him again. If you can't, cut him off now.

You are young, cute, educated and getting ready to start a new life at graduate school. Save your time and energy for someone who will be kind to you. Don't waste it on someone who you are afraid is just using you when something else doesn't work out.

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Stay strong,

I will. Writing about stuff like this always helps me make the best decision.

You're too good of a girl to be treated like he treated you. And that's the way it is. He can't just use you whenever he wants. Tough titties said the kitty.

Thanks. And do you know how long it's been since I've heard the kitty thing? haha! Thanks for the laugh.

Even if you've forgiven him for what he has done (which I'm not sure you have)

I can guarantee that I have not forgiven him. I can still get pretty pissed off just thinking about the whole thing.

I don't even think you owe him a lot of politeness when (if) you email him back.

I don't owe it to him, you're right. However, as mean as I want to be sometimes, I know I'll regret not being the bigger person in the future. I'm not worried about hurting him... I could get enjoyment out of that actually (I am evil, after all) But I know someday, I'll look back and wish I had been a better person about it because that would make things even better. Treat him with the respect that he never treated me with.

btw, I talk tough but I would have a hard time blowing him off so I know what you are talking about there.

Glad I'm not the only one. It's so easy to say, "He's a jerk, forget him." but not so easy to do... especially given our history.

You are young, cute, educated and getting ready to start a new life at graduate school. Save your time and energy for someone who will be kind to you. Don't waste it on someone who you are afraid is just using you when something else doesn't work out.

Awww. You're sweet. And, you're right. Besides, I'm having much more fun flirting with my new boy. Flirting with him is so much more rewarding than even speaking with the ex.

I feel much better now. Thanks guys. I'll let you know what happens.

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WHat he said.

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I would counsel a short, polite response to his email saying you're sorry to hear about his Grandfather but that you aren't interested in being a shoulder to cry on, particularly for him.

Again, as little as I know you, I believe you deserve better.

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I understand that it's hard to let go when you've been in love with someone. But he treated you badly. You should NOT feel like a bitch because you don't want to sign up for more heartache with him. You can feel sad, sorry, regretful. But feeling like a bitch for it? Just not allowed, hun.

A lot of people who want to abuse us (consciously or subconsciously) thrive on the kind of self talk or belief that we will be bitchy for refusing to be treated like a dishtowel or not looking after our own emotional needs.

By the way, when I write "us" I don't just mean women. I mean anyone who is being taken advantage of. Just want to clear that up in case I get misinterpreted.

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Ditto what he said,and you do not need to be someone else's doormat.

You have swept him out of your life, keep it that way

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