I've liked him for a year and a half. We've been dating 8 months. He used to be pretty immature, but I liked him anyway. I used to wish he'd call me once in a while, not just talk to me online. I wished he'd buy be chocolate and flowers and take me for long walks in parks. I wished he'd take me out all the time, just to spend time with him.
Recently, he's done that. I never really asked him or anything. He was going to be gone for a few days on a trip, and he left early. So the night before he told me to leave my cell by my bed, and on, because he wasn't going to call me at 6 in the morning. I wake up to my ring "William Tell"... kind of a knight and shining armor ring. He called, for no reason, and it wasn't that big of a deal, but I loved it all the same. And it was at exactly 6 o'clock. Now I've got that... long walks in the rain, wearing his old clothes 'cuz I was soaked. Flowers, 11$ chocolate, walks through the field, movies, and just hangin' out.
We have and still do have a kind of odd relationship. We're more than just dating, we're close friends. I like that, a lot. But I'm afraid someday when I lose him or have to let him go we'll lose that. I've never experienced it, but I'm guessing it's pretty hard going back. We have so many memories... so many good times.
I used to be the girl who was all like "I'm not gunna fall in love... I'm just dating casually, just for fun." It's not like I thought it impossible to fall in love by any means. But that just wasn't me. I didn't want to be in relationships for that; not right now anyway. I wasn't the giddy, "pink's my favourite color", "let's shop at abercrombie", "oh, look at that hot guy, let's go talk to him" and five days later she's "in love" type girl. And I'm still not. Not at all.
But after 8 months... it's grown. Obviously it's grown. 8 months is a long time, and I'm so scared. So scared to love him, and to lose him. I'm not sure which one I'm more scared of now.
The other night, prom night actually, we were sitting in his car afterward, and he knows me so well it's crazy. He said after a while of silence, and a little kissing, "I'm not expecting and answer, but *pause* I love you" I'm such a moron. I just kinda sit there. He knew I wouldn't say it back. And even if I'm falling for him, and I do love him, I don't want to let him know that. I don't want it to hurt when it's over, for either of us. I wasn't expecting him to say that. Everything was going great, fairly casual, you know? It kind of took me by surprise. I've never cried in front of him, and rarely cry at all, but I almost did. I don't know why. It's like I want to give him all my love and be with him so badly, but at the same time I don't.
The next morning, I woke up alone, in my friend's bed. She had already left, and I thought about him, and the night before, and started crying. I started crying because it's all happening to fast. 8 months, and here it comes, all at once.
So finally I got what I wanted, and it bites. He finally calls me, buys me chocolate and flowers. I guess it's just the love that's bothering me, but I suppose I should expect that after all this time. I don't why. It seems so stupid, you know? Times in the past I thought he was falling for me, but it was never this real until he said it. And it wasn't even that bad that he was falling for me, but now I think I'm falling for him.
I'm scared to love, and it's so dumb of me. On the other hand, losing him would suck really much. He wouldn't expect it at all if I broke it off now. I've tried telling him how I'm scared to love. And he just has to be a sweetie and say "I've waited 8 months, I can wait 8 more." He doesn't understand it, the way I feel, but he's willing to be patient. Man, I never cry, but these past few nights I've cried myself to sleep, holding and smelling a shirt of his that I stole.
I want to go through 4 years of college, unmarried, dating different guys. I think it will be good for me to date around so I can get out of my box. He's my first boyfriend, and as romantic as it would be for him to be my only, and last, I don't want it that way. What if we got married. It's so funny thinking about that, because I'm not ready for marriage at all, and I don't think I will be even in 5 years. But let's say I didn't date anyone else and we got married. Will I regret it? I probably would, regret not dating anyone else. I need to find out what I want, what I like, and most of all what I need. For goodness sakes, I'm only 17.
If we broke up, I don't know how that would help. I know I'd still want to be with him. I want to see him, hold his hand, kiss him and be held by him. I know I'd want to flirt with him and be his. He always reminds me how lucky he is; how lucky he is to have me. I was looking forward to this summer. Long walks at night, over our bridge, horseback riding. He was going to take me fishing.
But if I keep it going, will it only hurt more in the end? I don't know what to do. I'm so lost... I don't want to be blinded by love, but I don't want to lose him either. But I know, and I can't change my mind, that I need to date other guys. I need to get out there more, dig?
My cousin said you never forget your first love, and that you'll never fully get over them. Is that true?
Sarah
