Someone please talk some sense into my husband

.

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Oh one more thing: I'm not entirely innocent here either...see we're absolutely flat broke so we've been leaning on that credit card for gasoline...

Then yesterday I bent my rigid credit card rules a little (DON'T EVER TOUCH IT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY). I'm getting nervous about the new baby coming...and we have absolutely nothing for her. So with that credit card we bought her one outfit so she won't be naked when she comes home, and a package of teeny diapers.

And then some chocolate for me.

Then Taco Bell for all of us.

Then an ink cartridge for the printer.

The balance is creeping up on that card, and we'll have no way to stay on top of it any time soon. It's certainly far less than $1000, and I never want it to get anywhere near there...I'm so tempted to cut it up...I've hid it from him before...but I'm scared that one day we'll be stranded out in our boondocks home without gas in the car.

But a digital camcorder?!?! No, husband, NO!!!!!!

OK, I should just get a freaking job.

Then that will mean daycare for the kids, which will suck up my paycheck. So what's the point?

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He's ceased to listen to me.

Has your husband ceased to listen to you, or do you simply disargee on this particular instance? There is quite a difference

Second of all, my husband CHARGED IT. It's a HUGE no-no to charge an unnecessary luxury item, ESPECIALLY WHEN WE CAN'T EVEN AFFORD TO FEED THE FAMILY RIGHT NOW. BAD HUSBAND, BAD! BAD! BAD!

HHmmm. Do you think your husband will be more apt to listen to you, after you decide to make your private matter public over the internet. Not only have you made your quibble a public matter, but it seems as you go on to degrade him. Does your husband know about this article, and if so, does he have the oppertunity to respond? If not, I consider this very underhanded and shallow.

Does you husband work? If you cannot afford to feed your family, how do you eat?

At the beginning of 2004 we bought a digital camcorder thanks to a gracious donation from my mom. It does its job. It makes movies and it takes pictures. We use it several times a week, and we've captured some fun times with it.

So you have a device that you have used at least 312 times in approximately 2 years. It seems as this device get a good amount of use, and you seem to enjoy having it. I imaging you use this camcorder to record the life experiences of your family. You yourself mention the the resolution of this camara is painful, and you calim to be in awe of others camaras with better resolution.

But I've accepted living within our means and have learned not to hope for anything outside of what we can't pay cash for.

You have accepted this, has your husband? Is your marriage a team effort, or is this an example of you "laying down the law"?

But he lied to me and told me he was borrowing it from someone at work so that we can take some decent pictures of our daughter when she's born.

I assume your husband loves you very much, and I see he is enthusiastic about recording the birth of your soon to come daughter.

Apperantly this is something he wanted very badly, or badly enough to lie to you. Why did he have to lie? Was he afraid of your reaction after breaking your law? Perhaps he just did not want to hear it. When people dictate what I can and cannot do with the money I earned busting my b@lls all day, I tend to not want to hear from them either. I am under the impression that I should at least have some portion of my payroll to do as I please, the rest going into the family.

While I played with it, thinking it was someone else's camera, I fell in love with the sharp resolution and better-than-life photos.

This device will have the same resolution and produce the same quality of picture whether it belongs to you, or anybody else.

Buuuuuuuut.....it's one of those cameras that has a little epileptic seizure when you push the button, then goes through a series of flashes before it actually takes the picture several seconds AFTER you push the button. I found it a little annoying at first, but after playing with it for a couple days, I simply cannot stand it.

Would you rather have pictures that turn out in painful resolution and poor quality rather than having the patients to wait a few seconds for a nice sharp picture?

Since learning the whole story, well first of all I do not wonder why the damn thing was on sale. No one wants a camera that can't take pictures at the moment you press the button.

This is just plain absurd. How can you claim what others want and do not want. This company is in business to sell camaras, they must have appealed to somebody.

I really wonder how happy your husband will be when and iff he ever sees your article. It seems as you have been telling him what to do with ALL of his money, (assuming he works). Do you work out in the field, or are you a housewife?

It seems as you have lain down a law your husband disagrees with concerning the money he earns. He seems to be enthusiastic about recording the birth of your daughter.

If I were your husband, and there was not enough money to feed the family as you claim, I might suggest that we do without the internet for a few months to help pay for the camara.

At any rate, I do think its in rather poor taste to air your private laundry online. Demeaning your husband on line, especially if he is unaware, I feel is no better.

In closing, I know this is not what you expected for a reply, but its simply my opinion based upon the information you put out in your article. If its not what you wanted to hear, I'm sorry.

In closing, I wish you and your family a sincere congratulations on the new addition to come

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I have the same issue with my husband. I am not perfect but he is definately more of a spender than me. It's just so hard to get him to understand what a crappy financial situation it puts us in. I don't have any easy answers. I'm sure he had good intentions, it was marked down and you have the baby coming. It would really aggravate me that he lied to me about it though more than the expense. It is hard to be in such a tight financial situation. I started doing home daycare so I wouldn't have to put my boys in childcare but could still add to our household income. You said you took the class but it wasn't for you? Maybe you could try to do a ebay store or something where you don't have to put your kids in care.

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And then some chocolate for me. Then Taco Bell for all of us. Then an ink cartridge for the printer.

Hmmmm.

OK, I should just get a freaking job.

Sounds like a viable option. When I was married, both me and my wife worked.

Then that will mean daycare for the kids, which will suck up my paycheck. So what's the point?

When both my wife and myself worked, there was more than enough money to pay for daycare, food...and a camara.

The point is you work and make more money in the end after bills, than you do sitting at home eating chockolate, using up printer cartriges, and using the internet to degrade your husband. And just think of the money you will save on utilites when nobody is home for most of the day.

Give it a try. 10's of thousands of Americans do it everyday successfully

You never know until you try.

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I have a credit card and so does my wife. We use them for emergencies only but I wish we could cut them up---they are just too easy to use. On top of that, last week I was offered a new card with a ridiculously high credit limit. We don't need it and I'm not going to apply for it. Credit cards are a damn liability.

You should cut your card up and think of starting a small home business that will bring in some income. It is not as difficult as you think--there are thousands of ideas on the internet.

When our two children were small and teaching was not bringing in enough income, I sold cigarette lighters. They were unique because they had torches and combs and shaving razors built into them. I swallowed my pride and hawked them from store to store --and I sold thousands. They put food on the table. Any small business venture is worth a try. In those days I couldn't get a card so I became employed "poor" but "self employed" as well! It helped a lot.

Now, some other advice: A cheap disposable camera also captures memories for your album. Many people don't watch camcorder movies later on--they rely on photos. Second, sit down with your husband and tell him you want to cut up the card--if he wants to keep it he must earn more income--so he must put his talents to work!

I want a new Mercedes Benz but I can't have one. I'm not a child and I know where my priorities are. So should you.

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I am with Ad on this one.

Leaning on your credit cards is a dangerous situation to get into. If I was you I would return the camera and cut the card up.

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I actually think it was sweet of him to buy a new camera with the new baby coming.

I think it's kind of hard for you to tell him that it's a bad thing to buy when he earns the money, and you guys spent most (all?) your discretionary income on the sonogram trip (also a baby-related luxury item). I mean, I'm just wondering how one is ok but the other is a no-no.

Let him provide as he sees fit. He pays the credit card bill.

Enjoy the camera, or conversely, exchange it for one that you like better. I'm about to have to replace mine...the flash keeps getting stuck. Ugh.

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....think of starting a small home business that will bring in some income. It is not as difficult as you think--there are thousands of ideas on the internet.

If you are interested, I have that "infomercial e-bay kit", and have never used it, which you're more than welcome to. If so, please let me know and we can make arrangememnts for me to ship it to you and your husband

It would be my pleasure!

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my wife and i have these debates all the time. we've been married 11 years and together over 13. it seems everything she spends is ok. everything i spend is a waste. from reading your piece, it's apparant we're not alone, lol...

it does sound like this was, at least from your perspective, a devistating purchase. can it be returned? if so, and if you can't pay your CC bill because of it, then do so. if it can't be returned, then what is done is done. no point in cryin over spilled milk and all...

but if i spoke with him, would the purchase be as devistating? would he contend the purchase is affordable?

i know with my wife, in the past, sometimes she would get upset when i would spend something, not because we couldn't afford it, but because she had something in mind for the money and i beat her to the punch. the probem ws that we weren't communicating. we do a much better job of it now and we didn't need some underqualified counselor to tell us that when we want to spend money that is coming out of a joint account, it's only common courtesy to alert the spouse in advance. if ya'll lie about purchases, then the problems are probablly a little deeper and communications based and not really spending based.

but if i was really to give ya an answer, and be sure of myself, i would have to know his view as well. i know that getting a story from me or my wife on the same issue can be 2 very different stories. and as the old saying goes, all stories have at least 3 sides to them.

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and xythe,,,if ya wanna give away that kit,,,i'll take it.

let me know

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OK, I should just get a freaking job.Then that will mean daycare for the kids, which will suck up my paycheck. So what's the point?

a lot of people are struggling with that. it costs us about 350 a week just for daycare. then there's the expense of working, so 400 a week (net) means working for nothing except stress and anxiety.

and most jobs that would get ya above that threshold demand more hours than daycare can provide.

it's a big dilemma for many.

i remember when "middle class" meant 1 spouse could work and 1 could stay home....that all changed in the regan era.

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Angela if you email me at loca dot mama at yahoo dot com and I might be able to put together a package of some of my boys old baby clothes. Let me know if I can help. I don't have a lot myself but I'd be happy to share what I do have.

I remember when my middle son was born only having money to buy some onsies and that's it. I didn't get as many gifts with my second as my first and he was huge, 10 lbs. 3 oz so he couldn't wear the little baby stuff very long.

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I have a credit card and so does my wife. We use them for emergencies only but I wish we could cut them up---they are just too easy to use. On top of that, last week I was offered a new card with a ridiculously high credit limit. We don't need it and I'm not going to apply for it. Credit cards are a damn liability.

I and my wife have one as well, and use them all the time. BUT, that is because I hate writing checks, and all are paid off every month. WHy? because we dont use them for big purchases. if we want to make a BIG purchase, we grab the cash.

My ex was like your Husband Angela. And I think she is to this day. I really dont think she could save a penny if someone stapled it to her head! So, I am sorry I have no advice for him. Other than to tell him - quit being a moron! CC interest is second only to PayDay loans in rates! YOu pay more in interest than you do for the purchase!

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I was looking at some cameras the other day, some really good ones, at our local pawn shop. You would be surprise Angela the amount of merchandise you can get at a pawn shop and at much better prices than a reg store, for some items anyway.

I can't think or speak for your husband but perhaps he just wanted to treat himself? Perhaps not at the right point in time. But I've been down that road before and I can understand how you feel about that. I guess he didn't tell you because he didn't want you to quarrel about it. To you it's a discussion, to him it's nagging. Typical male reaction.

Perhaps like someone suggested, you can return that camera for one less expensive or just return it until you can afford to get it.

If you're the one who watches the budget and he doesn't, that must make it harder on you to tell him he can't spend any money on luxury items. Especially when he might be saying to himself, well I'm working and I can't buy myself anything.

It's not going to be easy with another little one coming, but you will be alright. Sometimes we experience the struggles to learn something from them, like strenthening a relationship, or learning to keep within a means to maintain your family, or even learning to work together as a couple. It's times like these that you realise what's more important to you and in the long run, you're better off for it.

Xythe, I don't think she's being demeaning to her husband. She's blogging to discuss something that troubles her and getting other people whose opinions she values opinions. Sometimes hearing someone elses point of view, may help someone to think more clearly and focus their attention on what they might be missing. This is not a reprimand to you, so I hope you don't take it as one.

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This is not a reprimand to you, so I hope you don't take it as one.

Not at all

It just seems demeaning to me if my wife came on the net griping about how I spent a small portion of my money, and telling the world:

BAD HUSBAND, BAD! BAD! BAD!

He's ceased to listen to me.

Someone please talk some sense into him.

Let Angela's husband have a look at this thread, posted under Home & Family, and see what he thinks.

I just cant see my wife doing this to me behind my back. I earned the money, I'm entitled to splurge a bit on a family item without my ol'lady griping about it to the world. Not only griping, but telling the world that because I dont listen to her, and bought a camara with a small portion of my earnings, that I'm bad?

Call me crazy, but I cant see where any husband would be happy with this, any more than any wife would if the roles were reversed.

All that aside, I guess these little things erk me. They imply that somehow this man has done something bad and wrong.

I know there is an underlying message in Angela's thread, and I sympathise with her and her husbands predicament. But the way the message is conveyed, it comes off as tacky to me.

If I were to say something like this about a girl friend or wife, many women here would lable me a misogynist, or a control freak. "He's ceased to listen to me"...indeed.

The offer for the "ebay package" is still open howver, should Angela like to give it a try.

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It just seems demeaning to me if my wife came on the net griping about how I spent a small portion of my money, and telling the world

So in your family, you and your wife each have your own money and have no say on how the other spends it? I see our money as joint. I don't think this is my money to do what I want with and his to do what he wants with.

All that aside, I guess these little things erk me. They imply that somehow this man has done something bad and wrong.

He did do something wrong. He charged something that wasn't in their budget and then lied about it. How is that not wrong?

Even though she is not working she is still contributing to the family. Believe me being a military spouse with a young son and another on the way is not an easy life.

I don't see it as his money and she has no say in how it is spent. It is their money. Their family's money. I would be upset if my husband spent money we didn't really have when things were tight, with a baby on the way and then lied to me about it.

I also don't see it as a problem venting on her blog. It may be to him and if it is she'll have to deal with it. I personally was thinking of writing a blog asking someone to kick my hubby's ass not talk sense into him. ha ha.

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So in your family, you and your wife each have your own money and have no say on how the other spends it? I see our money as joint. I don't think this is my money to do what I want with and his to do what he wants with.

When I was married, we had joint money, we each also kept a small portion of our payrolls to do with as we pleased. I live with a lady now, we do about the same thing. No one person has the total say of what a person can do with his/her own payroll.

He did do something wrong. He charged something that wasn't in their budget and then lied about it. How is that not wrong?

Perhaps it was in his budget, just not Angela's.

He lied about it, yes. Is it so hard to see why? Why should a man have to lie about what he does with a small portion of his payroll? He bought a better camara than what he had, partly to preseve the birth of his precious daughter to come, and to seal future precious memories for which the entire family can share. You tell me. What did he do wrong?

Even though she is not working she is still contributing to the family. Believe me being a military spouse with a young son and another on the way is not an easy life.

I agree with you 100%. We are not talking about a years earnings here, but a couple of hundred bucks. Does a man have the right to take a small portion of his earnings to slpurge on a family device?

I don't see it as his money and she has no say in how it is spent.

Actually the payroll comes in his name, so that makes it his money. He agrees to share his money when he decided to marry Angely, not to give her full control over what he can spend and what he cannot spend.

I also don't see it as a problem venting on her blog.

Sure, if it was a personal log, but it is not. Angela chose to air her private laundry in a very public place. Why not invite her husband to have a look?

Why should Angela purchase chocolates and printer cartriges on their credit card, and spend their hard earned money (which her husband busts his b@lls all day to earn) for an internet connection, so she can gripe about what he does and badmouth him in a very public place via that same internet?

It may be to him and if it is she'll have to deal with it.

One way I would deal with it would be to terminate the internet connection. They would have all the more money to buy food.

I personally was thinking of writing a blog asking someone to kick my hubby's ass not talk sense into him. ha ha.

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Heh, as weird as it is, I kind of agree with Xythe. Although I do think he's being unnecessarily harsh.

I think he's dead on with this:

Why should a man have to lie about what he does with a small portion of his payroll?

I just can't see how it's wrong for him to spend money on something that will benefit the entire family, when just recently Angela took them on a trip for something far more superfluous that ate up their discretionary money for the month. And why is it ok to put chocolate, fast food, and a printer cartridge (none of these items being necessary) on the credit card, but a camera is off-limits?

Her husband is not a child. He doesn't (or shouldn't) need permission to buy something. Yes, it was wrong of him to lie about the purchase, BUT he shouldn't feel like he needs to lie about buying something. The fact that he feels he must is a sign that something is amiss.

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Hey, if your husband felt the need to lie to you about the camera in the first place, maybe you have bigger problems than a friggin camera. Like maybe he thinks you're a nag?

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Thanks for all your viewpoints. Yes Xythe I agree this was rotten of me to post for the whole world to see, but I had to get his attention in a serious way. And it worked. He's a good guy, sometimes we all need an eye-opener.

Credit card debt is no laughing matter. At the tender age of 24 my husband just hasn't learned that yet. If he's not careful (and if I don't keep a lookout) he's about to learn the hard way and the other three of us are gonna go down with him.

I learned the hard way in my early 20's but thankfully stayed on top of it with no one else but myself to worry about. (Ooh, I'll have to blog about that sometime...long story.) I see the gleam in his eyes every time he gets a new credit card offer in the mail, and I remind him time and again that credit is not money. In fact it's nearly the opposite of money. If you don't pay that thing off every single month, you'll be paying more for every little item you bought with it and before long you just may find yourself drowning under all that debt.

As for me dictating how he spends his money, well, that's the thing: Credit cards AREN'T money. I don't generally complain when he buys fun things with real money. That's not as risky, 'cause once the money is gone, frankly it's gone so we deal with it. Heck I buy fun things too occasionally...with real funds. Like Tex mentioned,just a couple weeks ago we used an entire paycheck to get a once-in-a-lifetime memento of our daughter in my womb...but we did it with cold, hard cash. Credit is a dangerous thing to play with. I'm very conscientious that when money is gone, you simply can't buy anything. Hubby & I had that understanding a couple weeks ago and we made it through.

Why should Angela purchase chocolates and printer cartriges on their credit card

Oh gosh I didn't want to go through this thread and defend every little attack...but as for that, he was the one behind the card the entire time. (The one thing he was upset about charging was the $2.00 chocolate, hehe.) I have no access to any of his money or credit and I'm perfectly happy with that.

I'm going to rest my brain now. We had a fun day, I cleaned the house, and we're going to rest now.

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Oh gosh I'm going over this thread again now and you all made such great points.

The point is you work and make more money in the end after bills, than you do sitting at home eating chockolate, using up printer cartriges, and using the internet to degrade your husband.

Ouch!

And just think of the money you will save on utilites when nobody is home for most of the day.

Give it a try. 10's of thousands of Americans do it everyday successfully

Yes Xythe I really do need to earn an income...don't think I haven't wracked my brain about this ever since becoming a mommy. Some people handle it better than others and I've learned what a horrible multitasker I am. Things will be tight these few years while our kids are young, but as the kids become more independent you better believe I will be earning some money. (For the record, before I met my husband I was earning more than he even is now.)

If you are interested, I have that "infomercial e-bay kit", and have never used it, which you're more than welcome to. If so, please let me know and we can make arrangememnts for me to ship it to you and your husband

It would be my pleasure!

Very kind of you! Yes I'd be happy to look into that. We've got a spunky neighbor who's an ebay entrepreneur...she's a little kooky, but savvy nonetheless. Hubby & I have tossed the ebay idea around a little. So perhaps the "kit" could set me on my way. I'll check your blog to see if your email address is on there...otherwise my email is angelamarie88 at yahoo dot com. Thanks Xythe.

I assume your husband loves you very much, and I see he is enthusiastic about recording the birth of your soon to come daughter.

I actually think it was sweet of him to buy a new camera with the new baby coming.

True, very true. He's a wonderful daddy and is really excited about this.

Why did he have to lie? Was he afraid of your reaction after breaking your law? Perhaps he just did not want to hear it.

Yes, he knew I'd flip out. I'm no angel. Of course he didn't want to hear it. So I need to come up with more mature ways to deal with these adult matters.

OK, I'm really going to rest my brain now

Sorry for the huge yellow block. I can't seem to fix it. And yes, MasonM I do tend to be a nag. I'm not proud of it...I take after my mom. I'll be the first to admit that I really need a personality makeover.

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Angela, you'll be alright, you took everyone's critic and suggestions like a trooper. You listened and responded without getting huffy, and slinging mud, not many people can do that! Good for you.

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KFC Kickin For Christ

Join Date 11/2005

+93

Angela,

I would love to send you a baby girl outfit. Where can I send it? Really....I'd be my pleasure. When are you due? If you read my latest blog you'd see that I just became a new grandmom two days ago. My son who is 23 just had his first baby....and they don't have a camcorder but took lots of pictures with their regular camera. So far, I've bought this new baby too much. I've got to stop. His first christmas is done. His birth presents all ready to go on my trip to see him and I've even got his 2nd birthday all taken care of.

I understand exactly where you're at. We were so broke with three little ones. I remember some weeks only having 30-40 bucks for groceries. But you know what? I look back on that with fond memories. Granted it wasn't much fun then but now I can buy whatever I want when I want but it's not as much fun as it was then when any little purchase meant so much. When my youngest was about three I started babysitting some of the neighbors kids. I took on three to go with my three. The extra money was just what was needed to keep us afloat at the time. When my youngest was in first grade I went back to work but only during school hours and I continued to take those three kids after school for yet still more income. I think its so much better that mom is home with the babies even if it means penny pinching. It will pay big dividends later.

I agree with AD tho. I have many many videos but who has time to watch them? I bet after watching them when we first took them we've maybe seen some of them once since then. What is precious to me and my now grown kids is those snapshots we can look at again and again. In fact now that I'm scrapbooking and going back I wished I had taken MORE pics. I missed out because sometimes I videotaped instead and have no pics to put in my album on certain occasions. For instance...Scouts. I have maybe 4 pictures total with three kids in Scouts. All the rest is on video tape somewhere on some of those tapes.

So while camcording is ok, I vote for taking lots more pics and occasionally using the camcorder maybe only once a year or special occasions. Looking at those videos now can be long and boring with like 4 hours on a tape especially when I did the school concerts. What was I thinking?

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Heh, as weird as it is, I kind of agree with Xythe. Although I do think he's being unnecessarily harsh.

Yes, he knew I'd flip out. I'm no angel. Of course he didn't want to hear it. So I need to come up with more mature ways to deal with these adult matters.

I think I do to. I'm sorry that I came of as harsh. I really did not mean to. I guess I get a bit miffed when, well....It was just the way...well it seemed as your husband never had a chance to defend himself. I could have said things in a lighter tone, and hopefully next time I will

Your comment is well received TW. Despite what you may have gathered of me, please believe that I'm not a woman hater.

So Angela, you caught your hubbie in a "white?" lie and got a little roughed up on the blog by an idiot you don't even know but, you got yourself a new camcorder to use 3 or so times a week and soon you'll be sharing the moments of the new addition to your family. And most importantly of all, you seem to have cleared the air with your husband.

Alls well that ends well

P.S. I don't know if you read the "Shared Journaling" artical writtem by dharmagrl, but you might be interested in it. If so, heres the link> Shared journalling and how it's helped us.

Not just for the more tough times, but to remember the best times

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Someone please talk some sense into my husband

He thinks that credit cards are meant to supplement his income