I'm lonely.
I'm not quite sure why. I'm very independent, but lately I've been wanting to be around people more and more. I know I'm an extrovert, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. I should get more work done, but all I feel like doing is playing; just like a child who does all he possibly can to avoid his chores, sneaking out the back door to play with the neighbor kids.
I'll describe pure torture for me. We went on a "family vacation" over Christmas break down to Florida and then up through the east coast. Now that in and of itself wasn't pure torture. I love my family to death, but as I'm sure a lot of you know "family vacations" have their ups and downs. So torture for me was not being able to talk. My mouth is always going, I can't stop it, and if my mouth isn't going, I'm contemplating ideas, thoughts, arguements, and discussions with myself in my head. I also can't listen to music I know without singing along, so this was awful for me. Music is my external Saviour at times like this, but I'd get slugged by my brother or told to shut up by my parents if I sang. My parents didn't like it if they were trying to talk and I wanted to be part of the conversation. Even on this trip, being surrounded by people who love me, I felt lonely.
I would say that there's a difference in being an extrovert, wanting to be around people more and being lonely. The two are not the same, and I guess I'm feeling both. I really don't understand my lonliness, maybe it's hormones... lol, the root of all problems for us gals, right?
But really, I have great parents who both love me so very much. I have friends; I even have a boyfriend. Heck, I have JoeUser.
But above all, I have a great, big God who loves me so much that He gave His life for me, so that He could have a relationship with me. He's always there, waiting for me to talk to Him and yet I a bitch and blow our relationship off sometimes. I feel awful about it, but talking to God doesn't feel like much of a social life. He's so amazing though, and I bet that He doesn't even mind my singing, although I'm awful.
This is going to be a boring paragraph, so if you'd rather you can just skip over it...
Friends: I didn't say much in my above paragraph about them. I hope none of them go on JU (lol); I talk about it enough. But, they don't really cut it. They're ok; yeah, we have good times, but it's just not like I wish it was. My mom is my best friend, and I cherish that so much, but tangible teenagers wouldn't be bad either. I've always longed for a best friend my age, and I wouldn't even care if it was a guy. Maybe it's that out of my 5 closest friends Hannah doesn't agree with me on everything and therefore I don't think she thinks we can be as close as we would if we were always on the same page. Amy and I don't have much in common, except our love for arguing, but amazingly we get along well; also, she's not very deep, and that's something I need in a best friend. Joy-again, not too much in common, although she is very deep, so we sometimes have meaningful conversations, but I think she's busy a lot. Joel- he's great, but ,like Joy, I don't see him much. If we ever even hung out his parents (and my boyfriend) would accuse us of having sex or something equally stupid. But, Joel and I are so much alike, in a lot of ways. We have fun, when we do see each other.
Boyfriend: Hmm, we've known each other over a year and a half and have been together 7 months. I'm not horribly attached to him, although I consider him one of my best friends. But it's almost like we (or maybe it's him) got to a point that we can't push beyond. It's like we can't go deeper, and I don't know why. We run out of things to talk about, so it's probably me that's boring, but he's just very external. I mean, let's talk about the weather kind of stuff. I need more in a guy... someone I can talk philosophy with, someone who loves art and classical music, someone who knows a girl would rather have twelve roses at different times, than all at once, just so she knows he's been thinking about her all those times.
Anyway, I feel loved by all these people, but I'm still lonely. I guess I'm not really searching for more, and yet I am. I have it all and yet something's missing. Going back to the "friend" issue, I think that's what it is. I need a group of solid, Christian friends who love to have fun and at the same time can go beyond having fun.
I don't open up easily and maybe that's part of my problem. I think it's just my nature. I don't tell people my deep thoughts, like my lonliness. I'm so much more open posting here, on JU, and I haven't figured out why. Most of you are strangers, and I open myself up and let myself become vulnerable, and yet in person, with close friends, we talk about the weather. I need something more, something beyond that.
Sarah
