So the past few weeks I've been trying to sort out what exactly it is I believe. The process seems like it's been long and not very progressive. Nothing has changed other than the growing desire to move on from it.
However, as I look around me, it's an epidemic with my friends. So many of them are getting caught up in superficial things, and completely going back on everything they've been taught.
I had dinner with a friend the other night. We sat and talked of family, religion, pressure to follow the crowd, etc, etc. As she shared her doubts and struggles concerning christianity and God, to my surprise, I spouted off the solutions to walk in the right direction. She looked at me blankly and said, "How do you know that?" And you want to know how I knew that? Because someone else told me so.
I have begun shouting out the very same canned answers that I disregard, to everything that I'm questioning myself.
So it dawned on me... I know the answers. They just came out of me. But they don't seem enough for me. I don't want to believe it.
As I clean my room, often I'll come across old papers from Bible studies and devotionals. I saw one today, and I laughed. That was all I could do. Looking at it, it seemed so crazy. So structured, step by step how to live your life basically. I want to live my life the way I want to. It was nearly ritualistic, and pointless, trying to get you to attain a goal you'll never reach. And I laughed. No one else was in the room. But I looked it over and had a completely different view on this information that I once held in all seriousness as the guidelines for my life. I laugh at Satan, too. But it's a nervous laugh. Because people talk about him leading people astray and all this crap, and I know it's true and working with me. The nervous laugh comes in because I'm conscious of this information, but I disregard it and deny it.
I believe God's there. I believe Jesus died. I believe all those things. But why does that need to affect the way I live my life? What do I do with this information? I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm not going to. I tried that. I don't like it. I also disagree with things in the Bible, that I probably have no right to disagree with anyway, I'm sure. And how DO you know that it isn't all made up? Christians can't back up the Bible with anything except the Bible, and that doesn't prove anything-- for future reference.
People are not going to prove anything to me. I don't want to get into any philisophical debates with Christian scholars. Anything you say will most likely not mean a thing to me, because I bet you anything, I've already heard it before. People who belittle my reasoning and questions to petty arguments due to my age and hormones-- it doesn't help, even if you truly think that's all it is. I need to figure this out for myself, which makes me wonder why I'm posting this anyway... I know I'm not doing a very good job at figuring it out. But am I not doing a good job just because I'm not conforming to everything in the Bible? Because I disagree with you? Just because I don't agree with all the traditional republican views does not mean I'm wrong or confused. Just because I'm young should not mean I'm not entitled to my own opinion.
Doesn't it say to "work out your salvation" somewhere in the Bible?
Maybe that's what I'm doing. I'm just taking a break.
