It's been a while since I've blogged. With all of the things that have been going on in my life, I haven't really felt like communicating, although I realize now it probably would have helped me clear my head a bit. I don't know where to begin.
I got home from Virginia and for a few days everything was alright, then the bottom fell out and F. and I began fighting. A lot. It was so bad that a couple of days after Thanksgiving we broke up for a while. We got back together, and now we're apart again. However this time is very different. He confessed to me that in the time we've been where we are, he has cheated on me twice... one of those times since my mom died. He finally felt the guilt enough to tell me because I managed to convict him enough on things that he couldn't dodge it anymore.
The worst part is why though. I mean, there was some of the usual "I was bored", but it wasn't the main focus. It was "I love you so much and I'm such a fucked up person that I thought you deserved someone better. So I cheated on you, and did all of this horrible things to you, in an attempt to get you to leave me."
Yeah.
Very passive aggressive isn't it?
We broke up.
However, I'm still an idiot I think, and here's where I don't know how to move on. We have decided, primarily for financial reasons, we are going to continue living together and remain friends. Eventually the plan is for us to start going on dates and find out if he is the kind of man that I really want in my life.... when he isn't busy being an asshole. He has to make a lot of changes. The other side of that is that I'm going to also start dating other people in an attempt to move on with my life. I'm starting school next week, which has me so excited. I think the biggest reason of all is that it's finally giving me what I've always really wanted in life: A second chance.
I think that's part of why I'm so willing to let him try over, but from scratch. So right now, I'm just treating him like a friend. I don't say "I love you." I don't make plans with him so much. I'm going out of the house and kind of avoiding him at times really. I just don't know what to say to him half of the time. I think it would somewhat easier to not live with him, but money being what it is, sacrifices must be made from time to time.
Despite my rosy outlook on life and the fact that I'm perpetually upbeat and perky, I'm at a loss here. It's pretty easy to put on a happy face in this situation and actually mean it. I mean, I am starting college, my biggest dream in sooo long! Additionally, either way you look at it, I'm also going to get a better man out of it. If F. can shape up and be the kind of man I want and need, then good on him and we can try again. But, if I can't see a change in him, then it will be time for us to move on... seperately. It's only been a few days, and it's been kind of hard. I don't know what to say to him really. Also, I'm not sure how much he is changing, has changed or is trying to change. Because I'm not seeing him that much I don't know what's going on inside his head, and he says it's too much to talk about it right now. Such a guy! I want to talk about it. Part of the problem is that he has always shut me out. He shuts everyone out really, but of all the people in the world, I'm the one person that should have been let in. I guess he's going to work on that. He knows that's something I require from him. Oh well right?
I am a bit bitter though. Only at times, and it pops out unexpectedly really. I told his two best friends every single detail about everything that had gone wrong in our relationship. All of the horrible things that had happened that I had dealt with because I had had faith that once I had accomplished my goal of going to college that our live would just dramatically improve and things would get better. I told them about the infidelity (I even named names), and they were just as surprised as I was about some of the things that I learned. I didn't want him to get away from what he had done that easily. I told his best friends (who are also my best friends and the guys that have helped stood by me during all of the grief I've dealt with in the past few monthes) because I know they love him like a brother and will help him grow from this. But they will also hold him accountable. They aren't going to let go of this either. And it felt good to be honest. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it felt so good for F. to tell me that he didn't know if he could face his friends knowing that they know all of these things about him... and me making him go out and face them anyways. I did get a kick in the teeth last night. I got to work and one of my 16 year old employees came up to me looking all ashen faced and told me that she had to tell me something. In front of God and everybody, she proceeded to tell me that the most recent girl he cheated on me with (who is a high schooler, btw... but it's not that horrible. He is only 22... still bad, but at least he isn't 30 and having sex with a high school student) was going around school and bragging about how she had had sex with him and that she had broken up our relationship. Because of the source, I don't know that the girl is actually bragging about it, but there has to be some truth to it somewhere because she knew about it. That hurt me a lot. It's also kind of what motivated my second step last night.
I kind of asked one of our best friends out on a date.
I'm not looking to start a new romance with him or anything like that. But we do have a lot in common. Similar taste in music, similar outlooks on life (except again I'm still the overly perky one), and we've been through a lot of similar life circumstances in the past few monthes, so we really understand where we are each coming from. He's the kind of guy that if I met I would probably really like him a lot and eventually would consider asking him out if he didn't make a move first. So, considering the fact of all that's going on right now and how he's intimately schooled in the many nuances of my situation, I asked him out. He actually said yes! That's going to be a lot of fun I think because, I just found this out too, F is off on the night we're scheduled to go on our date. It's going to be funny seeing him writhe and wriggle as I get all dressed up and I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to feel up to telling him exactly where I'm going. I mean I know I'll tell him I'm going out... but just not sure if I'm going to say if it's a date or if I'm going to say I'm going to spend some time with a friend.
We're just going to watch a movie or something because we're both really broke this week... but I've been thinking about this a lot. I think I'm really interested in him. As a man. Which is something I've been batting back and forth in my head for a few weeks now (since the first break up at least). I'm seriously thinking about kissing him and seeing what it feels like, and seeing where it leads us. I don't want to have sex with him... at least not in that context. Right now I'm afraid it would end up feeling like I was just trying to get back at F. for the things that he has done to me and not end up being about sex or romance or any of those things. I guess I'll just have to follow my heart on that one... whenever it decides to make a decision.
Well, I have to run for now. I've got to get ready for work... yay. Which means I get to answer a lot of questions cause I'm sure there is all kinds of gossip floating about right now. Yay! *barf* Oh well.. time to put on my happy face again. I'll talk to my friend some more tonight and he helps me out a lot right now. I just hope this all has a happy ending... whatever that ending turns out to be. I still have hope, and I still have faith. However, I refuse to continue being a fool.
