The Green Beast: My Caddy

The worst money pit I ever had the misfortune to drive

As many here on JU will attest, I owned the ugliest, worst car ever. Nice car when it was made, but time and neglect wore it down to the hulking mass of steel and bondo that they saw pull into the parking lot every day.

I drove a '74 Cadillac Coupe De Ville.

Now one would think, "sweet ride" or "how could that car be horrible", but let me attest to you that it was true. We called it the Beast, the Boat, or best yet, the Albatross.

Before I ever got it, it had been given to its previous owners as a wedding present. For free. Then given to me so I could take care of their "baby" for a year while they went to Korea in the Army. My job was to bring it back up to running condition and "sightliness" (as opposed to "unsightliness").

When I got it, the car was a rattle trap. There was no part on the car that didn't need replacing, even the parts that were already replaced. I think I had to change out hoses twice in the year I owned it. The radiator was so full of stop-leak that flushing was necessary. The air filter cover was held on by a bent coat hanger. Oh yeah, that was a sound driving machine.

Day to day, the car was a menace. The brakes were softer than a pillow. I basically had to step on the pedal with both feet to get the car to stop. Imagine the car from "Fletch Lives", just green. There was a lot of play in the steering wheel, too, in that if my hands were tilting the wheel back and forth, the car could still stay in a straight line. Oh yeah, that's safe.

The kicker: it required 92 octane fuel. With a 35-gallon tank. I knew $50 tanks of gas even before the recent gas price spike.

Of the $2000 or so that my friends gave me to sink into restoring that beast, it was all gone just getting that car to pass the incredibly lax inspection standards for the state of Texas. After the money ran dry, I still felt bad about it and tried to do most of the work between me and a friend of mine. Bad idea. That car was unrepairable, inside and out.

When my friends got back from Korea, they were sent to Maryland with the Army. So they picked up their baby and drove away with it. It got as far as West Plains, Missouri, before something else broke down. Something new, something that miraculously I hadn't needed to replace. And there it sits, at their friend's house, until they can get the $$$ to try again. They are just bound and determined to get that car running.

Last I heard, they had gotten the cash and were sending it to their friend in Missouri so she could get the car going again. Sound familiar? Somebody else is getting the Albatross.

automotive

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