Kaulani

Join Date 10/2004

Why do I put up with this!?

Is she really my friend

Well I have not written in a long time, and this will make my one fan happy. As some of you know Jessica Hill was my best friend for almost five years now, but I feel that those five years have been spent in vain. Jessica's "stepdad" kicked jessica her mom and her brother out about two weeks ago. That same weekend my Uncle Ed stepped on my kitten, which broke all of his ribs. Jessica and I were suppossed to hang out that day, which got canceled and I believe that was a pretty mutual thing.
Then this past weekend her and I were suppossed to hang out,but she canceled because she hada lot of home work. Which that is understandable, but there have been many times that I have abandoned my homework so that her and I could hangout. So why do you ask does this have anything to do with her and I being friends, well the thing is is that she did most of these thing and it feels to me like it was to hang out with a guy. The reason that I feel like this is because while they were "homeless" she was staying with this guy that she liked. This guy, his name is Robbie, asked her out a few weeks earlier.
Mabye I am being stupid and selfish, but she did not call me and when I tried to call her she would ignore my calls. My sister and dad say that I am being stuoid and that I need to quite being self centered and that I need to think about someone else's feelings and not just my own. I do not think that I am being selffish, but I think that I am being hurt by another person. She is always hurting me, just like everyone else. This is not the first time that I have felt these feelings, but this is the first time that I have voiced it, because my heart can not take anymore of keeping these things in. My heart is always in pieces, and I always feel like there is not hope for anything in this world. I just wish that she would talk to me, mabye it was me that did something mabye the reason that people treat me like this is because they do not care about me.
Mabye the reason that I can not get a boyfriend is because I did something wrong. I take back everything that I said in this article, everything that goes wrong is my fault. I am so sorry that I am so patetically impared in every aspcet. Please forgive me, mabye I will end my life and put everone out of their misery. No one to hold Jessica back, no one to make August stay here instead of doing mission work. No one else cares enough about me to even take a second glance, and if I think correctly neither does Jessica.

writing

Locked Post

Advanced Search

Watch this post

Do not email me updates for this post Email me updates for this post

Successfully updated karma reason!

Laina,

I hope you wanted me to read this because you knew I would symathize with you, because I do; I definately do.

Girl, you are so lost. Who wouldn't be in a family like yours? You feel like an unwanted, used outsider. It's understandable. What you don't understand, though, is how resiliant you are, and how much you can accomplish if you put all your negative energy into your dreams.

August talks to me about you, often. She cherishes the time ya'll spend together and she loves the women you are becoming. I've even tried to talk her into coming down here and living with me, but she doesn't want to leave her sister. And it's not because she pities your or because she thinks it'll make you mad, but because she wants to share in all the glorious moments that make you who you are.

You're dad thinks you're amazing, too. I promise; I know it's hard to believe, but he knows you're special. He knows you have a heart that will stay strong. I think that's why he leaves you be, and quite frankly, shelters August. Don't you tell her I said this, but it would be very difficult for her survive without Daddy helping her, and I know that you could. She's amazingly strong, but she uses weakness as a crutch sometimes. Her pride in accomplishments almost overshadows other's praise.

As for Jessica, that girl absolutely adores you. She looks up to you, and you're the only one who's been there through everything, even when she pisses you off. You're a loyal friend, and that's what makes you great. Right now, Jessica is going through just as much shit as you, and if she needs a little time with this guy, ignoring the irrational thoughts in her head and just living in the moment, let her be. She'll come back. Talk to her and let her know that as much as she needs you, you need her more. Because you do; she's your best friend. You guys need to stick together.

I love you, Laina. Keep writing, and remember, never be someone's slogan because you are poetry.

Trinitie

Successfully updated karma reason!

p.s., I'm glad "school is no longer out"....

Trinitie

Successfully updated karma reason!

Trinitie,
you are freakin' awesome. I have know that I can survive, but sometimes it just gets really hard. I know that Jessica will come back to me, but it is really frustrating because we always mad a vow never to let a guy get in the way of our friendship. I know that because she is so beautiful, skinny, and she has such an awesome heart she will always have guys drolling all over her, where I will never have that problem. But thank you for the motivational writing, it really brightened up my terrible day!
Aloha,
Elaina

Successfully updated karma reason!

Elaina, you are beautiful and have an awesome heart, too.....yeah, so your missing that second thing...lol....but who cares? Guys will line up soon enough, I promise. It took me until I graduated to have my first few real dates...(Solomon, Adam, Blaine, and Jeremy, and now this beautiful guy, Brenden, from the train)...

It will happen. Don't fret! I'm glad I brightened your day!

Trinitie

Successfully updated karma reason!

Yo chica I never meant to do anything that would cause you to be upset. I had so much fun yesterday that I almost forgot all the good things that I had going in my life. I just keep looking to the bad things and how I cant come out of them. Im sorry for everything that I did and caused you to go through.

I love you girl and you are my sister. You are my guardian angel when things go bad and I keep forgetting that I have you. It is so hard to see the positive things when all you have in front of you is the negative things. So dont forget I will always be there I just may go through spells like these and remember though I will always be back because you are the only one who has ever stuck by me through all the bullshit in my life.

Thank you so much for being there and waiting on me in the past few weeks.

Jess

Successfully updated karma reason!

Hey, my question is have I really been there? You have told my dad more about what is going on then you have told me, so have I really been there? Have you been there for me? You really were not there for me when Midnight died, and you definitly did not seem to care all that much when Killer got stepped on by Uncle Ed. I know that you cared, and I know that you would have been there had I really pushed and thrown a fit. I just feel that I got pushed out in the cold ever since you and Robby have been together. Dad and everyone say that it is normal for me to be feeling a lot more left out now that you guys have hooked up, but really I feel like you don't even care anymore. Which I know is complete bull. But ever since all of that stuff came out around the fourth of July, I feel like you have been pulling out of this friendship and that I have had to put alot more effort into it then should be excerted into a friendship. BUt mabye all of these feelings of anger or what ever they are can just be qualfied as jealousy. Mabye I am just jealous of all of this attention that you are getting from these guys, and the fact that the only attention that I am getting is from the guys calling me ugly and stupid. But think on what I have said before you reply.
Aloha

Successfully updated karma reason!

guys call you ugly and stupid?

Girl, I'm gonna start kick'n ass and tak'n names!

Just give their addresses!

Trinitie

Successfully updated karma reason!

Elaina, I know for a fact that your sister only cares about what is going on in you and your sister's lives. She doesn't think that you guys need her as much as she puts out. She needs you guys more than you know. And believe me, you are NOT holding her back from her mission work. She doesn't think that that is her calling so much anymore.
Trinitie, (cool name) August does not so much depend on her dad for help, like you said, she has, but does not so much anymore, depended on him for emotional support since her mom sucks. She shows more pride in her accomplishments than she really feels, and using weakness as a crutch does not seem so possible, especially for her. She doesn't take other's praises so well because she doesn't feel that she deserves them. Her and I have spoken quite a bit, and she definitely feels less than worthy for any praise that could be passed her way. Believe me.

Successfully updated karma reason!

Sara, thanks for the comment. But I cannot help but feel the way that I do. Many times I felt that she is helping us, but not so much for us but for her. I feel like she is trying to be the mother that we never had, including her, but we dont need her as a mother. We need her as a sister and a friend, and I dont think she realizes that.
Aloha

Successfully updated karma reason!

Maybe you should tell her how you feel so that she can act how you need her to act. And maybe she feels that you guys need a mother figure since she never had one. I don't think that anyone can really help someone for a selfish reason, especially not with a such a generous heart like August has. Maybe you should just talk to her. I know she would listen.

Successfully updated karma reason!

I have talked to her, and she says that she wont care but she will. Because August does, and yes she does have a generous heart but how much of it is for our good. I mean it all is but she is trying to make p for what she never had, and if she does that it needs to be with her children not her sisters. Her sisters need her to be a sister, not a mother.
Aloha

Successfully updated karma reason!

Elaina,
I am sorry if I have failed at being a sister. Growing up I had to help take care of you guys, so I don't really know how to be just a sister, maybe I need a good sister figure to teach me how. You up for that? You never have told me that I am trying to hard to be a mother figure, I just know that I didn't have one, and I know how much I feel that I missed out, so I wanted to try to make it so you didn't. I'm sorry if I screwed up. I really don't care if you tell me how you feel. You could call me a bitch, and I may get upset, but if that is how you feel, what can I do about it except change so that you won't feel that way anymore? I can't promise not to get upset if you have things to say to me that I don't want to hear, especially since we know that I will get upset, but I can promise to try not to get upset, because we cannot get past this block in our relationship if we don't shed a few tears and make up. I cannot fix anything, though if you don't tell me what I need to fix.
I'm sorry that I stuck up for Jessica, too, because you turned out to be right, I just didn't want you to be. I love her too, and I know this is hard for you, and I have never gone through this kind of thing with any of my friends, but if you need someone just to sit and listen to your heartaches, I will not say anything to stick up for her anymore. I love you more than her, and you were right, so honestly, just let me know if you need to talk. You know where I sleep. lol.
Also, you are not holding me back from mission work, or anything else for that matter. I stay here because that is what I want to do. I don't want to leave because this is my home and my comfort zone. And besides, what would you do without me. *wink* You know you love me. I love you girl, and honestly, I don't know where I would be without you.
Trin: Thanks for sticking up for me. "because she wants to share in all the glorious moments that make you who you are" brought tears to my eyes. You know me better than I would have thought, because I could not have thought of a better way to say that, but it is exactly how I feel.
Love ya!
Augie

Successfully updated karma reason!

August if we need a mother figure so bad we will tell you. You do care because when I tell you, you get angry at me and then we are just fighting about something else. I feel the same way, you and Jolene seem like you are hating me and neither of you tell me what I did even if I confront you.
I did not want to be right about Jess either because she was my best friend, and she knew everything about me, but it seems that when it comes to bad things I always seem to be right. I know that you have never gone through this with any of your friends, and I really hope that you do not. I may talk to you, but I may just start writing poems again, because everytime I start to talk I get all chocked up and then I cannot talk.
I am glad that you have not felt it nescessary to leave, but I still feel to an extent that I am holding you back.I feel like you do not know what you are talking about, this whole world would be a better place without me. Because all I ever do is cry, and want it my way, and I really hope that you realize that all I have done is made your life and everyone else's life more miserable (including Jessicas).
Aloha

Successfully updated karma reason!