For the Record

Part of me is terrified that he likes me more than I do him, as I sometimes suspect is true, but every day I'm learning more about life and reality and being with others.

There comes a point in your life where you need to grow up. It may be somewhat early for me to feel this considering that I'm now only just turning 18, but in that peculiar way that life works, it has presented me with the change and I'm finally ready to take it. To make it.

Anyone who read Bad Timing and a Bad Idea Link will know that I had managed to get myself into quite a mess. I thought I knew what I wanted and was quite willing to risk a lot for the slightest of possibilities. I knew it was stupid all along. "I'm a bad person. I would turn away from the one good thing that's happened to me in a long time if desire bade me to do so" is what I said at the time, and really, it's crazy. Why on earth would you admit that something is good then say you would leave it in an instant?

So here it is:
I took the risk, not the easy risk that I had contemplated before, but the other one, the one that involves a little less selfishness and a little more caring.

People spend so much of their lives looking for certain things that they fix their dreams to just one ideal goal and they yearn for it until it trancends reality and becomes unreachable. So what happens when the original dream, the untarnished one, presents itself where you least expected it? Part of you still wants to cling to the ethereal creation and will neve truly let it go regardless of how much you want to do so; but when the rest of you finally accepts the reality, it discovers the countless opportunities that had only ever been imagined. Suddenly the other goal, the dream, diminishes to a meagre glow, all but forgotten.

That is where I now find myslef. I don't need the dream, not anymore, and tentative though I may have been I now feel sufficiently confident to discard it in aid of a much more promising truth. I didn't let go of any chances, not really, they were more the chance of chances, and that's just not enough, not when the chances only come round briefly and sporadically. So there it is, a big step for me, I feel, if an ambiguous one. I realised how childish I was being and how much I was willing to throw away on no more than a whim, and I can now say that I am happy with this turn of my life, that I'm lucky really.

Last time, bigrickstallion(Link) said "Maybe he [Joe] just saw you for what you really are..... a coward.your playing games. " Yes, I was playing games, I was trying to win by sticking to this perfect strategy that I had worked out even though I could already see it falling to pieces.

And in the end I decided to forget about Joe and everything that had happened, and although that was only a month ago (tomorrow, whoa) it's already strange to think about it. On my livejournal the other day I wrote, "Today I thought about something that I hadn't really thought about in a while and I realised that I will never quite get over it even if I won't allow it to play so major a role in my life any more", and it was the truth. I don't know how it would have been with Joe, I don't care, really, but I do know that my b/f and I are happy. Happy! I've never had that before, missed someone when they're not there, wanted to just hold onto them forever and know, know that they care about me. Part of me is terrified that he likes me more than I do him, as I sometimes suspect is true, but every day I'm learning more about life and reality and being with others.

"u no u really are too beautiful for me" How do you react to that? That eternal gratitude when really you know it's you that has more to be grateful for...

ROWDY!!! says:
i miss u

I like seals but not to eat. I am a vegetarian. That means I don't eat things that sick men form romantic attachments to. says:
me2

I like seals but not to eat. I am a vegetarian. That means I don't eat things that sick men form romantic attachments to. says:
i like u being there in teh morning

ROWDY!!! says:
i really appreciate the little jestures u make. u prob dont even no u do them or understand wot i mean but i like it

I think we feed off each other to some extent, and my greatest worry, what terrifies me, is that he'll get bored of me. Now that is karma. No more than I deserve perhaps, but I can live with that.
And the next step? The part where we have our first fight, when I'm tested for the first time, when we go to university and survive all these challenges? The part where I have to tell my family about all of this? Well, all I said was that I was ready to grow up and come to terms with my own reality, not that I knew what was to come, and for once I don't feel the need to control that.

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You're too young to let the dream die off. My goodness! I sounded the same at 18, ready to face the realities of life, but knowing what I know now, I let my dreams die too soon. Don't expect the practical, wish for the impractical, so that once you see it, it becomes reality.

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People get forced into making choices they shouldn't have to make though, and I kind of think that eventually you just have to get over yourself and see what a mess you are potentially making of things. It's an age where you're too old to get away with just doing as you please, but not old enough to deserve having these things thrown at you.

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