alison watkins

Join Date 06/2004

Let's talk about sex

***Warning*** This may be a tad graphic, but hey...I have no shame!

When I was younger, I attended Catholic Mass and CCD classes on a regular basis. In those classes, I was taught about the values personal relationships and the importance of family. It was instilled in my brain that when a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married, and make a baby. The man's duty was to go out and support his family, while his wife stood home to take care of their kid(s).

Once I was older, some more "risque" topics involving virginity were discussed. The nun explained that it is "dirty" for a man and a woman to have sex before they were married. She also stressed that a baby needs to have a mommy and daddy that are married to create a safe living environment. A student brought up the fact that what if the man and a woman did not want to have a baby right after they were married? The nun then started to explain the ever so popular "counting method"......

Shortly after, I decided to abandon the practices of the Catholic Church....

In my opinion (and I'm sure I'm not alone), sex is not soley about making babies. Sex involves intimate feelings between two human beings; and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Sex is about stripping away your soul and completely sharing it with someone. Some choose to share themselves in this way with multiple partners, others just choose one. Those great folks at the Trojan and Ortho companies make it possible for everyone, reguardless of race, sex, or gender (and yes, sex and gender ARE different) preference to express themselves in an intimate way just about any way they would want to.

Secondly, why exactly should one wait until they are married to have sex? Relationships are based on many factors, and I believe that sex plays a small part in choosing that special someone that you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

Picture this:

Jimmy and Jenny are 18 and have been dating for 3 months. Both of them have previously decided to wait until they are married to have sex, but both also admit that they are a little curious. Their curiosity is killing Jimmy, so he decides to pop the question. Jenny feels that she is ready to have sex with him, so she accepts. They are married, and on their wedding night they figure out what exactly to do. Three months more months pass and Jimmy is just not the man that Jenny thought she knew.

Or, what about this scenario...

Kevin and Kathy have been dating for several years. Kathy is a virgin and Kevin is not. Kathy decides to wait until they are married to have sex and Kevin is okay with this choice. A year passes and they get engaged and eventually marry. While Kathy is very happy with Kevin as a person, she's just not feeling satisfied in the bedroom....

Personally, those are two situations that I would not want to be stuck in. I know I am going to take a different approach than the Catholic Church when I teach my kids about sex.

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Personally, those are two situations that I would not want to be stuck in. I know I am going to take a different approach than the Catholic Church when I teach my kids about sex.

Personally, you dont really have a clue what you are going to do when you have kids. When you do, we can talk.

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Draginol

Join Date 03/2001

+137

I'm a big believer in test drives. Waiting till marriage for sex over emphasizes the importance of sex and creates a signficant potential problem if the two people aren't compatible sexually.

Marriage should be treated as a sacred bond, but it my experience people who wait until marriage for sex don't wait as long to get married as they probably should.

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I think it's great that you're already thinking about your values and the way you want to raise your future children. I'm sure that you and Hardin have discussed this, and it's really important for you two to come together and decide how you want your children to be taught.

Personally, I hope that my children will wait until they are married, or at least no longer teens, to have sex. Sex can have a damaging impact on teens who are not mature enough to deal with all the issues that come with it, and teens tend to be reckless with sex as well, which increases the risk for STDs and unplanned pregnancies.

Right now my boys, ages 8 and almost 5, know that sex is something that mommies and daddies do alone together to show their love for each other. As they get older, we'll talk to them more about it.

Of course, there's no telling what things will be like when they're teens, but our plan, for now, is to try to keep communication about sex very open and honest and nonjudgmental with them. We plan to make sure they understand the risks involved in sexual relationship (physical and emotional risks) and make sure that they know that we hope that they will wait.

However, we will stress safe sex in addition to abstinence, and make sure that they have easy access to condoms should they choose to have sex.

I think that some level of sexual compatibility is important, but I also think that the idea that two people can't learn to please each other is wrong. I think that even two people who might have a rough go of it at first can have great sex with some education, communication, and practice.

Interesting blog, alison.

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disclaimer:
I'm not necessarilly saying go out and tell your 15 year old to go and fuck whatever, whoever, whenever. What I'm saying is I think that there should not be a "good vs. bad" label on sex. I think that society believes that premarital sex is like taboo. It is something that should be discussed in families and not be considered the ultimate "sin." There are options and I think that it's a parent's job to instill strong values into their children and when the time comes, they should be able to decide for themselves what choice they want to make. The ultimate dissapointment would be for children to grow up, be brainwashed into thinking a certain way, and not think independently. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Dr. Guy:
I may not know completely, but, I know I'm not going to raise my kids Catholic

I would be happy to talk about that!

Draginol:
Exactly. Marriage should not define your sex life and your sex life should not define your marriage. I agree with the test run theory...very insightful!

Tex:
Good points. I agree that it should be a topic that is openly discussed between parent and child. Like you, I believe it's important that if my hypothetical kids do choose to have sex in their teens that they are safe about it.

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I think that there's an overwhelming pressure on people of all ages to HAVE sex though...whether or not they're in a relationship.

Let me give you an example that I've shared before on other blogs: Last fall I began to have some female issues related to the medication I was on. As it is anywhere, I'm assuming, it was very difficult for me to find a gynecologist that would see me in a timely manner. So I went to the yellow pages and found a dr. that took close appointments. I went into the doctor, and she pretty much just berated me because I'm 24 and still a virgin. She spoke to me and looked at me like my VIRGINITY was a disease. Like I'd be easier to treat if I were knocked up sky high with no baby or were discharging boogers or something. It was absolutely ridiculous.

If I ever have children, I think we'll probably definitely push abstinence. I'm sure it will be even more difficult for my kids to hold off than it has been for Ryan and I.

And you see...the thing about sex...and waiting till your married... Well...I'm not a used car, thank you very much. Sex can be fixed, you know? Your man might be a little bit small? You can work with that. Your wife a little dry? Fixable. I don't need to "ride the horse" before I buy it....I know we can work that out later on.

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...the pseudo-virgin speaks *ahem*

Alright, so we all know that I'm a big wait-for-marriage advocate. Yes, even though Michael and I broke down and did the deed, I will still promote this until the day I die. We'll look past the religious point (which is a big one for me) about how I believe sex was created for married couples, and just look to some more accepted rationale. First of all, I don't believe at all that premarital sex is taboo these days. Look at any of these teen soap operas like Dawson's Creek or The OC. Those kids hop into bed with whomever they please, and it's made out to be a very loving, passionate experience. Most of the time it's not portrayed as some risky event that they later regret, it shows "teenagers" following an act of love with a person whom they have been dating for an average of 2-3 episodes. Even Everwood, a so-called family drama, had several shows two years ago (the last season I watched) devoted to the teens having sex and whatnot.

I do agree that sex needs to be discussed openly with children, and that it should not be looked upon as a "bad thing". I also know that if I had been told my entire life that it was okay "as long as I loved the person I was with", I would have had sex with several different people by now, and I can honestly say that I am 100% glad that Michael is the only man I've been with. Granted, I was never Catholic (thank God), and my parents are incredibly supportive, so I never really received any "sex talks" about waiting...it was always something in my own conviction. I am praying that my future offspring have the same inclinations, but I can't expect that to happen so I plan on taking the marriage approach with them...

As for the two "scenarios", people have been posing such situations to me my entire life. I know everyone will giggle and pat me on my head for my cute, idealistic optimism, but I truly believe that if people are strong enough and devoted enough, God will bless them with a good sex life. Sounds silly, I know, but that's what I believe.

Would I have had "better" sex with Eric? Quite possibly. Was Eric's penis bigger than Michael's? Definitely. Do I regret for one second that Michael will be the only true sex partner that I will ever know? Not one bit. I think it's our love and committment that make the sex "good". And, for the record, I also believe that the sex will be even better when we're married.

...let the laughing begin

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Helix:
We are on the same wavelength, and personally, that's what I did. I waited for the right person.

Marcie:
You are a very strong willed and independent person, and that's what I like about you:) I like your theory about the old jalopee, however I do think that sexual compatability is important in a relationship and it's something that needs to be tested before you make a huge commitment such as marriage. I am not saying go out and sleep with every person in the free world, lord knows I have not. I guess where we differ is that you have decided to make marriage a particular mark in time when having sex would be right for you. I respect that, but my views are different.

Chrissy:
As you know, I really respect your point of views on "re"saving yourself (although we all know you are the permavirgin until otherwise!

) . It's very admirable...and I guess maybe it makes me look weak in the eyes of some, but I know you would not judge me . I guess my big beef is with the Catholic Church's view on premarital sex. According to Catholic beliefs, I would be going to "hell in a handbasket." Just because people are willing to have premarital sex does not make them "bad." I think it's a person's choice to do whatever in the heck they want. Their beliefs and morals should be a collaberation of life experiences and teachings. Sometimes I have to remind myself that we were not put on this earth to sit and worry about going to heaven, hell, or timbucktoo in the afterlife. Sex should not be a huge, pressing issue when you know it's right for you. I believe it is meant to be enjoyed with the right person.

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Alison~

Well, we all know I'm in full agreeance that the Catholic perspective is not the best! Although, the whole Catholic issue is what kept Eric and I from getting married, which inevitably kept us from having sex, which ultimately allowed me to move here and meet Michael...so I guess it kind of worked for me there!

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I'm a firm believer in trying before you buy. To use Marcie's analogy - even when you buy a brand new car, you test drive it before you buy it, right? I know that I do.

When a couple has issues in the bedroom, those issues tend to carry over to other aspects of their relationship....and not every sexual problem (or incompatability) is fixable.

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While I too believe in the wait until you're married approach to sex (and I didn't wait either), it's also a bit unrealistic. I'm not saying it's not good to wait, a lot of people have taken the abstinence path and that's good for them. I believe in a relationship, once you've gotten to know the person, it's natural to come together sexually to show your love and attraction for each other. If you have sexual chemistry and it's a wonderful experience, well that's just great! If however it's not...then that means if the couple really love each other they can work at it or they will drift apart. Because let's face it, if people in a relationship or not sexually compatible, then it's going to be hard for them to be together forever.

I've spoken to my two older kids about sex. One in more detail than the other, as they grow older. Because I feel it is my duty as a parent to do so. Whether we like it or not as parents, sex is very much the topic of discussion amongst your kids and their friends. Afterall, the suggestions are all over and peer pressure can definately be a factor. Plus, even 12 year olds have a girlfriend or boyfriend right now (don't ask me why, but some do!). My kids don't, to my 10 year old son, the thought of kissing a girl is still so icky to him, thank God, but not to their friends. So I prefer them to get their information from me and to ask me any question they want. They have an open line to mommy when it comes to that. Because like I tell them, getting the correct information is best, not hearsay from their friends.

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kingbee

Join Date 04/2004

+42

over-came a LONG time ago

innaresting choice of phrase

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