Today was another one of *those* days. You know what kind of day I'm talking about. Nothing could possibly seem to go right, and everything makes you angry. It was one of those days where it seemed like I was almost always on the brink of tears for one reason or another and I was pretty much just inconsolable all day long. I felt bad when it interefered with my ability to do my job. I have a reptuation for being happy, friendly, perky and people oriented, which I am. I just couldn't handle today for some reason. I knew it would be one of those nights too cause I was supposed to end up being all alone until at least 3 am when F and Roomie get home from work. I couldn't handle that idea, so I ended up hanging out with Texas for a few hours until Elf and Neomaster got home from work, and then Gamehead got off from work early, so I ended up having quite a few people looking out for me. I was able to confide a lot of stuff to Texas, and I didn't really mean to tell her a lot of it. She got some info from reading my blog (imagine that lol) and other bits and pieces just came spewing forth.
I guess the biggest shocker for me was realizing just how close I am to walking out of this relationship. I know how much I love F. That's not even in doubt, and in all sincerity and after much soul searching, I really don't have any romantic feelings towards any one else - not even Geek. It's all about F and it always has been, at least in my heart - which is where all truth lives. However, all of the loving in the world on my part isn't going to fix some of the fundamental flaws in our relationship. Whether the beasts are mine or his is really kind of irrelevant at this point. The biggest problem is only something that he can fix, and so far he has either been unwilling or unable to do so.
I honestly believe that in order to love someone, you must first and foremost love yourself. However, you have to be careful that you don't end up loving yourself so much that there is no room in your heart for anyone else. I think that's the case here. F is so throughly enamored with himself that he can't be arsed to care about anything else. It's gotten to the point that the sole reason I believe he is still with me is because I have a job, pay my share of the bills, cook, clean, do his laundry - all of the general bitch work that he doesn't want to do but has to get done. If I ceased being useful and stopped taking care of him, I firmly believe I would be out of here super quick. I don't believe he loves me anymore. I have a few examples to cite, which is really pathetic, but I need to put this out there. This is for me afterall.
The most uber-recent one was the night that I tried to kill myself. I waited a while after he got home from work to tell him about it. I mean, afterall, I knew how big of a thing it was going to end up being so I wanted to make sure he had a good dinner (which I cooked) and had a chance to calm down from work, and that we were alone. Once all of these things were accomplished I told him what had happened and why. The first thing he said to me (I swear on all that is Holy) wasn't "I'm sorry baby, how can I make you feel better," but "Thanks for ruining my night." He proceeded to insult me all out of my name for the rest of the night. Yeah... that's really going to help a suicidal person. Sensitive he ain't apparently. If this were the only thing I could possibly excuse it cause it was a shock. If he had apologized and starting trying to help me I could forgive him. He hasn't done anything and he still stands by his original statement. The fact that I tried to kill myself only registered on his radar because it ruined his evening. How selfish is that? Obviously I'm not a poster child for sharing and caring as suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do, however is it too much to ask for something along the lines of *anything* other than what he said to me? I didn't find that too unrealistic, but apparently it is with him. It seemed like he was saying that it would have been perfectly acceptable if I had died, so long as it didn't interfere with his good time. In fact, that's probably what he *was* saying. I'm just not that important to him I guess.
I guess it's like this. If my suicide attempt only got me a "Thanks for ruining my evening", would he even really notice me missing? Yes, actually he would. He wouldn't have clean uniforms anymore. He would have to cook for himself, which probably means he would starve to death. He wouldn't get laid as frequently - which would probably be the only part that he would really miss now that I think about it. All I am is a maid, chaffeur, laundry system, chef and sex toy. It's fairly easy to see why I'm feeling more than a little marginalized at this point.
I stopped by his work this evening with Elf to pick up Gamehead and I tapped on the window to find out if I would need to pick him up or if he was going to be riding home with Roomie and it didn't seem like F even cared to see me. However, F's best friend Ogre saw me and yelled out all excitedly "BEAR!" and came over to the window to do a strip tease for me. Ogre was more excited to see me than F was.
I guess I know how important I am afterall.
