I had this killer headache on Wednesday.  Doesn't happen very often anymore, but there still are times when I wake up in the middle of the night and it's there, and if I don't get up and take some Advil, it carries over to the whole day.  It was just too cold and my bed was too cozy, so I chose not to get up, despite knowing the consequences.  This time it's still sitting there, a vague reminder in the back of my head.  And I'm finding that my balance is off, so I think it's related to sinus issues rather than a migraine.

It's actually the wonky balance that is bothering me.  I normally get up in the dark and never turn on a light, but I'm finding that darkness makes my balance worse.  And this has all led to thoughts of aging.  I got up to use the washroom in the dark and had to steady myself along the way.  When I got back into bed I realized that had my balance faltered as I was getting out of bed instead, I could very well have been one of those fell and broke a bone statistics that always puzzled me.

I fell several years ago and broke one foot and smashed the other knee--wheelchair time.  But I actually blacked out for a nanosecond--one minute I was walking, the next I was on the ground without any idea of how I got there.  We attributed it to a medication I had just started taking, so that made sense.  But I never really understood the whole falling thing.  If you know you're unsteady, you do common sense things like remove things that could trip you or make sure there are stable things to hold onto or use something to help you.  Until this morning the idea that simply putting my feet on the ground (or trying to) could be unsuccessful, and could result in something more than embarassment, well the world just doesn't work that way, unless the ground was icy.

Being the queen of imaginary disasters (I tell the husband that if I hold disaster dress rehearsals in my head, I'm ready should the real thing hit and can handle it calmly--he calls it worrying), I lay there envisioning a fall, a break and the ensuing turmoil in our little world.  From there it was a very short leap to old us, and how all the niggling little aches, pains and inconveniences are going to grow into Issues.  No matter how well we take care of ourselves, both of us will have things that impact us; middle age has already brought that.

I don't have any issue with aging.  I am not one of those women who hides or lies about her age--most of the time I have to stop and think when asked because it's just not significant to me (I'll be 58 in a couple of weeks).  I have already outlived my mother by a lot, and I'm closing in on outliving my father.  I have very few wrinkles and can still pretty much count the number of gray hairs I have (okay--I admit I'm rather vain about the hair thing, although I know people just assume at my age that it's dyed).  But I have really been taken aback by the things I never expected that middle age has brought with it--the aches and pains; the lessened ability to do things that used to be a given; those 'senior moments' when the word or name or answer that I want just doesn't jump to mind (until I stop reaching for it).  When did this happen?  Why didn't I notice until it was too late?  How could I have stopped it?  And most of all, what lies ahead?  Even if we stay happy and healthy, what's next?

I have told our pregnant daughter to ignore what she is told about labor and delivery.  Everyone is different and for some reason, many people like to trot out the scary stories for first time mothers--endless labors, hours of pushing.  I remind her that my experiences, and the husband's mother's as well, were short, short, short and easy.  I tell her that regardless, at the end she will hold that baby in her arms and the payoff is worth it.  I think this is how I need to approach aging as well.  Regardless of the stories I am told and the horrors that I'm warned about, I have to focus on taking care of what we can change and working through what we can't.  Envisioning the possibility of a broken bedside Judi is just an expression of fear of the unknown, dealt with and dismissed.

And most of all, we need to continue to celebrate the passage of time, for ourselves and those we love.  We are blessed with quality of life, despite the minor issues, and unless that changes, why worry about the details...or at best, for me, TRY not to worry, no matter how good I am at it. 

I tell the husband that his epitaph should read something other than He Was a Dedicated Employee.  I better work on mine or else it will end up being She Worried Well.  I think we should aim for I'm Glad.