One Million, two hundred thousand, four hundred and twenty seven years
ago, a group of hunter gatherers were on the run from another, more
aggressive tribe; chased from their traditional stomping grounds, they
faced many perils out in the unknown wilderness; lost good friends and
family to beasts human and otherwise on their sojourn through the hostile
societies of yore... after nearly a year of barely scavanging up an
existence and seeing the very young and old die off, they came to a
fertile plane of rich, black dirt; their elders searched the nearby
creeks and woods and finding dung from deer and bear and beavers a' plenty
(and, more importantly, no signs that other men were living in the
valley), they decided to settle there and start planting corn and beans
and raising dogs and cattle.
Near where they settled, in a grove of majestic Cedar trees on a small
hill on the otherwise flat plane of a valley, there lived a god, Ralph.
The villagers discovered him one day when they tried to cut down the
cedars, and suddenly found themselves being hit by lightening. After the
initial shock of losing a few men to Ralph's wrath over the villagers
attempt to cut down his favorite trees (gods can of course talk to trees,
and Ralph had grown particularly close to the trees), their elder's got
together and decided their best course of action was to win the god
over... they knew that other tribes had gods, and they had always wanted
one, but, purely by the odd whims of chance, they had never found a god
who wasn't already surrounded by a larger tribe.
As was the way of people back then, they were used to the gods who
inhabited various streams, rivers, mountains, animals, and etc... so they
started worshiping Ralph without too much protest. Ralph himself was
somewhat uncomfortable with the situation until the villager's turned him
onto a type of moonshine that they made out of whatever local fruit they
could scavange. Ralph, like all gods, loved getting a good buzz on and
the idea of humans bringing him booze on a daily basis was too much for
him to pass up.
The world was filled with a lot of gods back then. Most of them were
vying for the attention of humans, and then making them do stuff for their
amusement -- for some reason, back then, they could never get enough of
seeing humans sacrificed... Most gods, being basically like needy
performers with, for lack of a better term, 'god complexes,' were always
trying to one up one another by smitting this and that follower of another
god, or making someone else a saint . . . Ralph, being one of the few
gods who really didn't have much ambition, stayed out of all of this
tomfoolery.
As will happen when power is splashing around the ethereal plane, a few
gods rose to the top of the heap, like Allah and Yahew and Morton Smeed
(the latter who is now forgotten, though he was once worshiped all across
the planet in complex call and response ceremonies that were made up
entirely of 'burps,' which are known to historians to have been not only
quite transcendent, but also cured warts on or about the left toes).
Ralph thought the gods who were scrambling around gathering worshipers'
were wasting thier lives... in fact, he was kind of a slacker when it
came to Godding. He really didn't care if he had a lot of followers or
not. God's need only a few followers to exist on this plane as well as
their own, and Ralph had enough for his purposes, and would have lived and
let live if the other, nastier gods, would only let him.
He simply wasn't into all the blood and gore that the other god's seemed
to get off on. In fact, he was the original pascifist god. Jesus took a
lot of Ralph's drunken sermons and peiced together the Sermon on The Mount
-- which is why they are so oddly peaceful when compared with the curses
Jesus was known for throwing on people for the slightest of slights -- you
did not want to serve him cold soup, oh no... that was leprosy, at least).
No, Ralph did not care for domination at all, though his ideas on
pacifism did change after the human population explosion. In fact, as
more and more species became extinct around the globe, the god Ralph grew
more and more mysanthropic and partial towards killing for whims, like
most gods.
Ralph was not big on speculation, either.. The other god's couldn't
get enough of making up laws about this and that, and sometimes they even
thought they were doing the right thing, but way more than half the time
when a priest asked Ralph a question about the after life or whatever, he
would just kind of shrug, and then make it out like 'man wasn't read to
know,' though anyone who knew him well knew they were just being blown off
because Ralph was bored with the conversation.
Ralph could see a bit of the future, of course, like all God's,
and he knew that he would be marginalized, that the small village he
called his own with it's small populace of peaceful people, would be taken
over by one of the blood thirsty armies of human's that the other,
power-tripping gods were always putting together in their never ending
need to enlarge their audiences, and thus feel more loved and worthwhile
and powerful in the earthly realm. The material earth existed on the only
plane not actually created by a god. A chance event that none of them had
foreseen, because before earth they had forever lived in planes of their
own creation. Come together here, on what is essentially neutral ground,
the gods were only as powerful as how many human entities they could draw
energy from during prayers and other, sometimes surprising, human activity
-- such as bowel movements.
Ralph liked earth because he didn't have to make everything up himself.
In the forever time, he had grown a little bored with concentrating on
keeping a universe together, and when the earthly plane appeared to them,
during the event humans call the Big Bang, he had welcomed a chance to
watchy something besides what was essentially his navel. He also liked
having someone to talk to. Gods had never thought to talk to each other.
They started doing so only on earth. Ralph was in fact the first god to
inhabit the earthly plane, and was the first to learn that making freinds
with creatures like trees would let him reamain on the planet. It was a
small step from there for a god to look into a human and see the
implications of the dawning consciousness for an answer to the question
that had begun to haunt them in apehood --- why do we die?
For his followers -- and soon Mugily, and everyone in the entire apartment
building, Ralph's slacker ways were both a good and a bad traite in a
god. Early on, some years he would get behind on the harvest and the
villager's would literally spend days in prayer getting him to come down
and make their fields grow, yet on the hand he never asked for sacrifices
or really much of anything beyond the occasional dinner invitions and to
be present at all parties. Hardly any of the villagers seriously even
considered converting.
The day came when the inevitable army of men covered in steel rode
stallions down into the village and began cutting down the men, raping the
women, and stealing the children and wealth, as the christian and muslim
god's had them doing a lot back then -- as well many, many gods long
forgotten by man. Ralph did what he could, but he wasn't very powerful
when compared to the other prayer inflated gods. He gathered up one
family and took them into an astral plane, keeping them there until the
maurader's had all passed, and then landed them in a safe village
afterwards, where he was able to conjour up a job for the father.
Ralph followed that family then, all down the eons, to present day...
part of their secrecy was to keep all knowledge of Ralph from the
children, who were only told on their eighteenth birthday about their god,
Ralph. Ralph tried to make a good impression at such times, usually
would shave and tuck in his shirt and make himself smell like something
pleasent, like sandalwood. He had a hard time keeping a straight face
through all the mumbo jumbo that the various preists had built into the
ceremony over the years, and this seemed to endear the new recruits to
him. He would give them a few miracles to seal their faith.
OUR GOD RALPH The Cosmology of Ralph 2 OF 2
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by jsr
09/10/06
5:31 PM
CHAPTER ONE, THE COSMOLOGY OF RALPH... Page 2 of 2
Something of a guardian angel, and something of a smelly houseguest, the God Ralph has all the normal tenants and rules of any religion, but Ralph could seldom be bothered to remember them in the best of times, and in the last few hundred years he had been smoking weed around the clock.
Ralph requires one person in the family to write down his exploits, as must be done for god's, so that when he gets bored he can read back on his accomplishments (god's do this a lot more than they ever admit). He chose Mugully Foolip for no other reason than illiteration.
Everyone told Mugully that there was an honor that went with being the scribe of a god... But Migully was not so sure... there was the practicality's of bunking with Ralph, -- who could be meddlesome. He also refused to pick up after himself or clean the bathroom -- and for a god like him to do a task like cleaning required about as much effort as half a human thought. He could just think, 'make it clean.'
Mugully bitched at him at first... but bitching at a god is a tricky thing. Ralph was known to lash out and give people an extra arm, or make one of their eyes explode. Migully learned his lesson the day he tried to get Ralph to clean up after his nine cats and was turned into a large turd for the day. It was not a mistake he made again. Like most human's, he just ignored his god when he could, and dealt with him when he had to... which was more than he liked, because of the scribe thing.
"Someone is at the door, Migully." Ralph didn't like the sound of the doorbell, and it was an annoyance that he blamed entirely on his scribe.
"Who is it?"
"Okay, I'll check... fucking Mormon."
"That's like the third this summer. Don't you think it's about time that you smite one of them? You zapped those scientologists on their first trip here."
"Man, can't this wait until there's a commercial?"
"He's going to ring that doorbell again in a second."
"Okay, okay... there, I just made him spontaneously combust. His fellow missionary is on the lawn right now hysterically wetting himself. Shit, I deserve Nachos or something like that when I answer prayers."
"Really?"
"Yes, that is a tenant."
"It is not."
"Sure... something like, Verily bring unto my altars nachos slathered in near-cheese."
"I've been your scribe like less than a week, and already... well, your tempting my faith, Ralph. God's aren't supposed to lie."
"We don't lie, we change the truth. It's really all the difference in the world. Remember that day that I made you into a cat terd?"
"I still gag when I think about the inside of my mouth being cat terd."
"Unless I get some nachos, you are going to be terded out for like the next week. You can write that up in your scriptures and preach it, man."
"Really?"
"What did they tell you?"
"Anything you want me to write down, I write down."
"It's scripture now, baby."
"Are all the god's as... cavalier as you?"
"The ones who care, do only so because they like to cause you pain. I'm the exception, because of the kind of grove that I originally inhabited."
"Cedar, right?"
"No, we just put that in after that movie Reefer Madness came out. It was a grove of pot. Nice red, hairy buds."
"Really?"
"No. But that sure would help the taste of those nachos. Put that in there, too -- verily, nachos must... something like, come with holy weed and some sort of smoking device that is not a pop can and a bit of aluminum foil poked with holes."
"Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?"
"Tell you what, get the nachos and put a bong on my altar, and I'll forgive you."
"Okay."
RALPH BRINGS DOWN THE WRATH of the bouncing
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by jsr
09/10/06
5:28 PM
TOM SMOOZE CLONES and MAD DONNA (A mutt with the head of Mad Donna, a surgery she underwent while on a 'doggie style' kick) AND ASSFACE KURCHER's strung up/out fools ...
Thus Spoke the God Ralph: "I am sure that you have heard of De-proggraming, Muggily, where a cult member is taken to a hotel and fed big mac's and forced to watch soap operas and Jim Varney films until they are as normal as the rest of you humans? Well, why doesn't anyone do this with, say, the Mormon's? Or Seventh Day Adventist? I mean, you could even show these Catholic priests a little hetero porno and maybe save some little arse's from being sluiced with jesus juice? But no, being human's, you pick on the week ones, the wimpy moonies with their man dresses and shit. There is a psycho sexual side to that which would blow your human mind were I to explain it."
"Really?"
"No, but that sounds good, doesn't it? Use it somewhere else in my scriptures, okay?"
"I'll make a note."
"I'll need your help snatching enough people to make this effort worth my while."
This was the kind of moment Mugily dreaded... everyone had warned him to be careful when trying to dissuade the god from one of his nefarious whims, and he had already spent a day as a terd after complaining about the cat smell. "Uh, Ralph, I don't think that is a good idea. The Cult Awareness network got sued by the scientologist for shit like that... and wait a minute, isn't the mormon god a little stronger than you?"
"Man, you don't know shit, do you? That's one of those made up religions. That's why I can smite them."
"Like the Jehovoa Witnesses?"
"No, they have a god, he's just too into coke and vaigra to give much of a shit at this point. Like Buddha."
"I was an atheist until I turned 18 and we had the Shumbagogo. I never would have believed in any god, let alone you. The more I get to know you the better off I think I was."
"Careful, Mugily, as a god, I think of killing you as only slightly more serious than swatting a mosquito... slightly, ever so slightly. So, scribe, just listen to me... a couple days ago I decided that it was high time to start deproggramming some christians. I thought and thought and thought about things that can radically change someones life; something they could convert to instead of their silly myths; something that would hook them, like religion did... finally it came to me -- I'd make them crack addicts. I figured, once I got them addicted to crack they would have to steal and prostitute themselves to support their habits, which would cause their moral compasses to shift all over the place, eventually shattering their lying paradigms and breaking them out of their little 'Denny's Prayer Brunches Mania.'"
"Man, you really hate Brunches."
"Let no man say other.... they really are soul killers, those brunches. You throw in backgammon and you are on your way to the hell realms, boy. Here's my plan for deprogramming thee twirps, okay? I started with two mormon kids, a scientologist, and a kabbalah -nut... the mormons were the first, because they were riding along the street, so I took this van and ran them over, breaking enough bones to make them easy to push around and get in the van and all. I then drove them to a crack house, and had them shot up with herion, making their pains all go away. Now, I have them on a constant diet of porno and south park, and they seem to be responding well, going from having gag reflexes and shaking their heads to laughing maniacally and masterbating with impunity. The others are coming along nicely, too."
"What do you mean, you . . . started?"
"Yea, I went back in time, just now.... and started this last tuesday. After their bones have healed in horribly mangled ways, they will be in pain for the rest of their lives and thus horribly messed up on pain drugs and as ready to hate god as some... I don't know, wombats, I guess... they are the real hardcore athiests of the animal kingdom, of course."
"Really?"
"Mugily, you will believe anything, man.?"
"Where are these Mormon's and what did you say... scientilogists and kabbala-nuts... that you're experimenting on, exactly."
"Oh, I took them to this place I know across state, so you wouldn't get up your bretheren and start meddling, like you did when I was growing tha Mau Wai."
"You almost got us all arrested."
"Like I would let that happen."
"We never know with you, Ralph. Sometimes you are right there with what color to paint the car, and the next day you can't be bothered to save the dog's life."
"I have never let one of your dog's die un-naturally."
"Just the humans?"
"There are too many of you, Muguily, by the reports of your own damn scientists. Next I am going after a catholic preist. I will attempt to change his sexuality, and if that works, break their Bingo addictions."
"I think you should just go to a movie or something."
"Too late. Just write shit down and enjoy the ride that is Ralph, okay? Got the nachos and weed?"
"Is that all you ever consume?"
"Yes." "
Mugily sat down in the cat scratched black leather coach that had been so pristine when he bought it a year before and had been totally trashed after just six days with Raph's unruly, spoiled felines. The room was beginning to smell from the litter again. He was having to change it almost everyday to keep up the illusion that the place did not smell of cat, like he secretly suspected and was indeed correct about, though he would never know because his friends and relatives were just too damn polite to tell him -- not to mention, they all kind of felt for the scribe in Ralph's life.
Scribe's often came to bad ends, a miracle gone awry -- once only half of a scribe showed up in Puerto Rico for their annual Smiggly Soo Pen reunion... the other half of the poor man never was found. While Ralph could easily have fixed such errors, he sometimes simply was not 'in the mood,' and there was no reasoning with him at such times. He was a creature used to playing with his moods, trying to keep what he often referred to as, "The Big Chronic."
"Hey, I don't see you going out to the kitchen to make me an offering of Nachos?"
"Can't you just conjour these things up?"
"You know, I'll bet no one makes Jesus get his own nachos."
"Can you introduce me to some of these other gods?"
"What, you shopping around now?"
"No..."
"I was kidding, but you are only partically so... Sometimes reading your mind makes me fucking sick. Oh, don't go there even in your.... now your just thinking nachos, in cheese sauce, trying to throw me... oh, chili and cheese. I think you need to go down to the Tex Mex Chix and get some of those Beaver Meat Cheese Nacho Supremes and I'll ... bless you, or some damn thing. Verily, verily, I say -- goeth in search of Nachos... but first, get something to poke the resin out of my bong and change the beer in there. Verily, verily, I have spoken... whoo, whoo, whoo."
"That used to make your preist's shiver?"
"No, shit. It was funny, man, so... you are not scared enough of me, you know? That will probably lead to my accidently killing you. Well, half accidently killing you. Oh, I'll see it coming a few days before hand, and I'll think about changing time, tell myself I should... then, it'll be too late and I'll content myself with a new cleric."
"Uh, okay... really?"
"Sure."
"Did you reall get the munchies and turn a scribe into Taffy and eat him?"
"Now... I can change anything into Taffy, at any time... why the hell would I waste a scribe?"
"I just wondered."
"Is that in the scripture somewhere?"
"I don't think..."
"A lot of that shit, I was way too drunk to remember much... you know, how you get all serious and meloncholy sometimes... well, when you're a god, you get like this, then you get to exaggerating, as gods do... next thing you know, you've got the book of revelations. Yea, that was me. The christians pretty much took whatever they found, drew a smily jesus face on it and called it their own, you know?"
RUN, RALPH, RUN.... Chapter 3
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by jsr
09/10/06
5:27 PM
RUN, RALPH, RUN.... Chapter 3
A lot changed when the Bush Monarchy took over the world and the rich moved to the moon (finally answering the question of why they didn't mind polluting it all those years -- they'd been planning on moving to the moon for hundreds of years, and considered the environmental destruction of earth 'a jolly good joke on the disgusting, smelly masses).' No more wars, no explotation, no working sewer systems, and few jobs... luckily, with the rich gone, the mechanical types easily created machines to do all the work so mankind could spend more time exploring such subjects as daytime telvision soap operas.
Some god's were so appalled by Bush that they tried to stop the family from taking over the world and putting a monarchy back in place. . .
Ralph was among them. They lost and as losers were kind of just left on earth forgotten. A lot of god's perished outright that day, as people faced down the environmental catastrophe and cursed them. Ralph was lucky in that he was the primary weed connection for one of the young members of his church, or he might have been cursed away as well. Cursed away entails
of course being sent to the nethers, where nothing is substantial unless the god's make it -- which is a lot more work than Ralph wants to do on any given day.
As per Ralph's rather slipshod godding, they had barely escaped from the Mormon's and were in a bus at a very high rate of speed, blowing through red lights and ignoring signs... at first, whenever a cop got on thier tale, Ralph was killing them in spectacular flame filled accidents, until Mugily protested that they were just doing their job. After some grumbling about how the human population was causing suffering to the penguin, who Ralph made clear were to be reverred as 'nature's goddamn clown, man!', he finally just started sending the cops across state.
Ralph was no great driver in the best of times, and as he flew down the highway at 120 he was also drinking a beer and rolling a joint and peeing into a cup. Mugily was gettig quite sick of crasing and having to be resurrected and healed, as were they all.
"Ralph, there is no need to go this fast. The Mormon's are never going to catch us."
"Oh, I'm not worried about them. I'm just kind of getting off on driving fast."
"You know, that is fine for someone who is impervious to pain, Ralph, but when us humans die, that shit hurts. I mean, you reattached my head three times today.... and I'm going to puke if I see my intestines splattered on another road. Seriously."
"Man, I should fucking smite you for pissing on my buzz. In fact get out ..."
"No, not the scripture..."
"Hey, you are the fucking scribe of a god, have some respect."
"Okay, don't give me a second asshole or something... "
"A second asshole, eh?"
A shout of surprise from Kibo in the back made clear to Mugily that the temptation of surprising someone with a second asshole had been too much for the god.
"Oh, let their asses be, dear lord, Ralph."
"Don't get sarcastic with me. Uh, oh... looks like a gas truck up ahead. Get ready to fry boy... "
"Noooo.... ahhhh... ugh, ugh... huh..."
Once Ralph resurrected and healed everyone, including the truck (which took him mere seconds), Mugily was once more sitting in the front seat, staring down at the road pouring into the windsheild, dreading his next death... when Ralph suddenly spied a sign for strawberry pie and changed the truck into a helicopter which kind of zig zagged over farm houses and fields before smashing into the parking lot of a small country restaurant. After resurrecting and healing everyone, they all sat down to some scruptious pie, and none could help but thank Ralph for the particularly tasty strawberry's, and while he was quick to accept their praise, he had nothing to do with it...
RALPH CONFRONTS THE INCESTIAL GOAT FUCKERS 4
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by jsr
09/10/06
5:25 PM
RALPH CONFRONTS THE INCESTIAL GOAT FUCKERS 4
On the run from the vast Mormon Mormon High High Counsel, and a crack team of ninja scientologist lawyers, some crazy Kabbalah killers lead by Mad Donna, Assface Kurcher and Demigod Moore, the God Ralph and his often unfaithful followers are trekking across the welfare and robot-worker propped up 'Land of the Once not so free but now really a bit Too Free,' post-bush world (meeting culture after culture that had sprung up among those . . . 'left behind' . . . when the Bush Monarchy moved the rich to the moon and created The Very Very White World). After three days of driving at speeds upward of 150 miles an hour and causing dozens of accidents that forced Ralph's followers to go through numerous painful resurrections and healings, they have come to a part of the country that is filled with trailer parks.
Trailer parks stretched throughout the mid-americas for thousands of miles on all sides, and little was known about the inhabitants. Leading into the labryinth of mediocrity was a road filled with bags of garbage, old car parts, and a number of suprisingly well kept up garden gnomes in various holiday themed outfits. Ralph ignored the barrier, and was almost dissappointed when the bus smashed right through. Immediatly the world almost seemed to turn on it's side... all the people they were seeing were grossly misformed.... eight arms, three heads, four huge ass cheeks... and what looked like a bunch of half-human, half-goat people.
"Yuck," Mugily said. "What the hell is wrong with these people?"
"Descendents of hillbilly's and white trash. I suspect without a strong government in place to stop inbreeding, the walk to the neighbor's was too far for them. Looks like the goats were closer than the neighbors too. Usually that doesn't result in offspring, but all the inn-breeding and beer has actually managed to make their genes stupider than normal. They all seem to weigh over three hundred pounds. You notice that?"
"Of course I noticed. They look like huge warts on the landscape."
"They would probably look better as warts. Yes... they... would."
"Ralph!!! Do not make them into warts."
It was too late. Two mountanious women in tube tops and short shorts standing outside of a trailer became huge, bloated red warts. Mugily expected this to enrage the others, but instead they non-chalantly began breaking peices of the warts off, rubbing them on their genitals and then eating them."
"Ralph, tell me they don't consider that seasoning?"
"They're just seeing where the wart fits best. You fucking humans and your gland rubbing and juices spurting... " The one thing that Ralph found disgusting was human sex. The gods looked at it like humans were basically puking vile juices on one another while flopping about all slapstick -- Mugily suspected this masked Ralph's jelousy over not being able to connect on a deep emotional level, but he was wrong.
" They'll eat the evidence in ... wow, they devored those warts."
"Can you bring them back?"
"Why?"
"Yes. Good point. What's with the Elvis statue?"
"They worship the older, disappaited Elvis. They try to look like him. Mostly they just watch soap operas, drink beer and have family oreinted orgies."
"Don't stop."
"We have to. I've already told Elvis's ghost that I will talk to these people on his behalf. He doesn't like being the patron saint of Gravy and Biscuits. He wants it to be Cadillacs. I'm going to see what I can do. I loved Hound Dog. Once played it for fifteen years straight. I'm going to give them some more warts to eat, to ... uh, make friends."
"Ralph, don't piss them off. Can't you see they all have shotguns in their pick ups and those little confedirate flags that on their bumpers, the ones that declare -- 'Too Stupid For History Class."
"Mugily, my scribes usually do what I tell them."
"And look where that has gotten you Ralph? We've got Ninja scientologists, mad cap mormons... that whore Mad Donna... all trying to kill us. They've already succeded like twenty times and I am so sick of feeling my own death.... and they'll kill us again if you keep warting these people."
"I'm just trying to make following me fun. Forgive me for enriching your pathetic little human life. Well, I guess we should stop and talk to them."
"No, let's just keep..."
"Hey, look, a statue of Elvis with a chicken wing hanging out of his mouth.... Oh, reading their minds is pretty gross... all they think about is beer... and their sisters, mothers, uncles... wow, I thought you were sick, but these humans. . All they eat is gravy and biscuits... barbacue their dead at big, ritual parties where the women flash their breasts and the men flash their... these guys have big asses."
As the unweildy crowds gathered around the Bus, Ralph took the PA and began speaking to them: "Listen, we don't have a lot of time... first off, I am Ralph, a god, and I am here with news from Elvis. He wants you to give up goat fucking, first off."
Hearing their beloved goat fucking maligned by an outsider pissed off the Elvi Peep's (as they called themselves). Angry cries of, "What? Take away goat fucking? That's blasphemy!"
"Only one touching my goats is me, and peoples who can trade a sheep or a large cat." "Get him!!! Make him fuck a goat!!"
Ralph waved his hand in the air and bongs suddenly appeared in the hands of one and all... "Here, this is my special blend. I want you to put down your beers, inhale the weed, and lose your four or five extra asses, okay?"
Beer cans and rocks and small children began to pelt the bus as the angry crowd threw whatever was close at the interlopers who were threatening one of the profound tenents of the Elvi -- 'No Goat Shall Go Unsodomized."
"Look, you walking warts... Elvis has spoken to me, okay? Why the hell else would I come here?"
"To fuck goats?" One of the crowd asked?
"No, you see... I'm here... "
A commotion on the edge of the crowd caught their attention. Then a group of black clad ninja's and hippy looking people with red garrots could be seen trying to fight their way to the bus. The commotion died down almost as soon as it began.
"Ralph, what is it?" Mugily asked the now seemingly bored god.
"Oh, the wart people are eating the scientologists, kabbalists, and Mad Donna and her hanger ons. They're already sending out replacements after us."
"People of the trailer world,"Ralph told the crowd, "We brought this offering of folks to ritually sodomize and barbacue as a way of showing our freindship. Now ... there... you are cured of your imulses toward goats and relatives."
Cries of approval immediantly began to come from the crowd.
"Hey, Elvis never shared his drugs..."
"Will you bless my gravy and biscuits?"
"Thanks for making me despise my uncles asshole, Ralph."
And lots of other affirmitive remarks which helped to quell the trembling in Mugily's bowels that he had been feeling ever since learning he was distantly related to the white trash that he was sure would eventually ritually sodomize him and then cook him up in a barbacue (in a forgotten reference to better times, the ritual sodomizing on people about to be barbacued was called 'stuffing,' though none of them seemed too impressed when Mugily pointed this out to them, and for a moment he wished Ralph had made them all warts).
Later that week, as they drovee out of the other side of the trailer park, the ghost of Elvis tearfully saw them off, then went out into space intent on being reincarnated as a common, garden variety toad, which had been the earliest and most pure dream of his childhood.
JESUS SMITES RALPH A NEW ONE... 5 of 5
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by jsr
09/10/06
5:24 PM
JESUS SMITES RALPH A NEW ONE... 5 of 5
After curing the inbreeding and goat fucking tendencie of the Elvi-Peeps, Ralph and his not really all that faithful followers drove the RV through miles and miles of beet fields. The beets were getting on everyone's nerves, as beets tend to do. . . especially evil beets, as these surely were. Ralph finally changed them all to bushes growing little lamb heads but no sooner did they kind of laugh at his miracle then there was a loud crack of lightening, the sky turned black, and the beets were back -- and this time they seemed even more menacing.
"Shit." Ralph looked about nervously, which made Mugily the Cleric nervous, because he had never seen or heard of Ralph getting nervous.
"What is it Ralph?"
"Those damn Elvi-Peeps are praying to me... oh, no... they've made me THE PATRON SAINT OF NOT FUCKING YOUR UNCLE's ASS.... Jesus is jelous. You know all the 'no god before' me crap he is always preaching. Their prayers have unwittingly made me powerful. Getting the attention of the man is the last thing I need, Mugily."
A thousand foot high visage of a storming and raging Jesus Christ appears in the road in front of them, surrounded by millions of angels armed with swords. Under his breath, Ralph whispered to Muggily, "Jesus is such a fucking drama queen... hey, ooh, I'm Jesus, watch me cure some leper's. . . there is nothing to curing lepers."
Without bothering to stop the bus from careening down the road at a hundred and fifty miles an hour, Ralph flew up and out in front of the huge Jesus face and told him, "They are not worshiping man... they are just confused by the loss of Elvis, like all Hillbilly's they believed he was immortal."
The bus carrying Ralph's followers crashed into a viaduct and they were trapped in the gnarled wreckage and slowly broiled to death.
Ralph tried to explain to Jesus that he was in no way trying to get followers or anything of the sort -- "You know me, man..." He told the enraged deity, " I can barely remember to keep my fifteen alive. Half the time I can't even remember to do that."
Jesus, seemingly having none of Ralph's explaination, raised his arm as if to smite.... The sky turned black and a howling wind blew up... then, the Robed one started laughing and all the angels' joined in as Jesus said, "We had you shitting in your pants, didn't we, Raph!!!?? Ha, good old Ralph, never too quick on the uptake are you?"
Ralph explained all this to his followers when he next resurrected them to continue eluding the Mad Donna, Assface Kurcher, Bouncing Tommy Cruise and the Demi-God -- who have already killed them all dozens and dozens of times, and more than likely will again and again...
DRIVING THRU PIGLAND..... Chapter 7/OurgodR.
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by jsr
18/10/06
7:16 PM
The Blessed Rv was stopped at a boarder crossing run by seven foot tall, burly pigs. They spoke perfect english, in mannerisms that were recognizable as human. The guards were looking for jewish or muslim names, and then forcing them, in small tent chapels set up just for this purpose at every crosssing, airport and train station in the country, to either convert and pledge allegience to the god of the pigs, Porky, or simply disavow human religions all together. No one was actually thrown out for having one of the two prejudice filled religions, because everyone knew the policy; people who were unwilling to say a few otherwise meaningless words simply stayed out Pigland.
Mugily had no idea such a beast existed and at first thought Ralph had changed them into pigs, and he half expected them to look at their hooves and start screaming, then kill him again. Constantly being killed, often horrifically and slowly, had torn Mugily's mind a bit-- broasting in the burning RV once for forty excruciating minutes was a particular motif in his reoccuring nightmares. A twitch under his eye bothered him immensly, got him to habituate, when talking to other people, to holding his hand up over the offending tick -- an un-natural position which acutally emphasized the tic to whomever he was talking to.
Others were showing much more outward signs. Kiplo the food fetishist had taken to stringing shoes around his neck, waist, arms... he had red high heels and black, shiny combat boots and slippers and mocassains. The Toilet Boy To The Stars, the once cocky and proud celebrity janitor, was constantly cleaning the rv, often for up to 36 hours at a stretch. When he was asked why, he would get all abusive and superior, once telling Mugily, "You can live like this if you want, but not me, man. I will not live in filth. You think you know shit. You don't know shit. I know shit. I seen some shits." He would then keep up his mutterings for hours. It didn't take long for eveyone in the RV to learn to just step over and around him as if he were a sleeping dog.
Ralph too was a little disturbed at the moment, though not about the deaths of the humans, which he considered insignificant since he could resurrect them. To his god ears, the humans complaints about the agony of their deaths
was pointless whining about the human condition. When Ralph talked to Jesus,
he thought he was talking to an old friend, until it was revealed to him, in the cruelty of the practical joke Jesus had played on him, that they were less than friends. Indeed, Ralph had realized then and there that the other gods thought he was stupid. All because he had chosen to just be a part of the physical enviornment, to accept and kind of relish it, rather than attempting to make it like his own realm.
After the pigs passed them through, a shaken Mugily started to ask Ralph a question, and as always as his mouth started to open... the answer appeared in his mind.
The Rising was behind the first pig out of the blur of a low intelligence. They believed that just because humans were the first species to employe the benefit of high intelligence and speach capabilities, that gave us no right to effectively stop the evolution of other animals by keeping them tightly penned and stupid in a life track going quick from a womb to the slauther house. They conducted their experiments completly off the map, on a small island in Indonesia patrolled by a vicious private army.
The first Pig, Heeply, after being educated and socialized, was quick to accept that they had been eaten -- after all, the pig had never been above eating a human. The hatred of the jew and muslim, though -- that still lived on, even a hundred years after the eating of meat was effectively banned by the Un. This riled the pig, like any prejudice will the demonized party, and after many years...they started petitioning the Un to stop the Jews and Muslims from spreading slander about how they were 'unlcean,' and other vile words that were peppered about their holy books. The jews and muslims still refuse to touch the pig. Won't shake their hands, allow them into their holy places or delis or cafeterias.
There were problems with the first pigs, a lower intelligence than expected resulted. The Rising Group rushed through the experimental phase to trials on pigs, and then when there were problems with the intelligence of the first hundred, none of them would have even considered killing off the mistakes.
The pigs were raised as secular speciest... and would have perhaps easily integrated into the World Culture if not for their finding out, and then reading up on, the Jew and Muslim prejudice against them. The idea of a religion itself intrigued them, unfortunatly; they had been deep spiritualists before the group gave them intelligence and an education. Some of them longed to be one of the Before pigs, the ones lacking the genetic askewing, but when they themselves were running their own labs, and discovered how easily they could just damage their brains, none of the pigs were willing to give up who they were.
Two hundred years into the Awake Time -- as the pigs called the period before their DNA was supercharged, the slow simmering anger against the religious prejudice against them finally exploded. Three pigs were protesting in front of a Mosque in Iran and a religious nutshot them dead with an ak-898 (a seventeen year old who who later claimed in court that he had been sexually molested and then indoctrinated into an illegally controlling religion--laws had long since stripped the con-pastors of their ability to use brain washing techniques to convince people of their mania, and some of the perpetrators indeed were jailed) . After this, the pigs all moved, in mass, to one of the communities emptied when the Bush Dynasty moved the wealthy to the succulent playground of the moon, where the god jesus was the sole deity worshiped.
There was a little known fact about the situation of the gods, one known only by a few, mostly jesus and his pals and Ralph-- who it was assumed was too stoned to remember what other god's talked about, so they spoke in front of him about matters they otherwise would have kept secret. The secret was this: Jesus was not actually sustained as the most powerful god by the worship of the Moon dwellers, like was popularly thought. It was assumed, because of a mind habit picked up during the eons of human social evolution, that the power of the rich man's prayer was somehow worth more than the poor mans, yet in truth it took almost all of jesus's followers on earth, plus those favored by the Bush Dynasty, to keep his supreme throne.
And even through Jesus had made it out like it was a joke when he almost smited Ralph, he could sense that there was some kind of probably unconscious reason Jesus had chosen just that moment to play his damned joke -- Ralph had been inadvertantly picking up followers. Probably not him, but Mohhama-mohn, or one of the other powerful gods, might make a play to get some followers on the moon if they knew they merely had to convert a few hundred poor ass humans -- who most gods knew could be bought by answering a few prayers.
The moon was a garden paradise entirely constructed from the memories of the wealthy into polo grounds, golf courses, airports and large gated communites dotted with speciality shops -- and was indeed covetted by the other gods, expecially after the destruction of the earth's fauna and sealife made most of the earth thick, lifeless mud.
Driving Thru Pigland.. chapt 8 cont Our God Ralph
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by jsr
18/10/06
10:20 PM
This is part eight of the story of OUR GOD RALPH, a tale of the slacker god and his disciples cruising across the country attempting, usually unsuccessfully, to avoid being assasinated by a cabal of Scientologists, Kabbala-nuts, and the Mormon Mormon High High Council.
Ralph and the crew stopped for breakfast at a diner. The celebrity janitor took one look in the door of the dingy room filled with small troughs containing various types of gruel and said, "No! I will not eat in a fucking restaurant called The Pig Sty."
A pig just inside the door heard him and his hat actually rose up off as his head from the hairs on his neck bristling in rage. "What," he yelled at the startled celebrity janitor, who despite his physical job was actually weak and scrawny and prone toward lovers handles and a small, though quite noticeable, belly flap, "is wrong with eating in a Pig Sty?" Then he screamed in a squealing, high pitched voice that turned the heads of pigs walking all down the city block and further, "We got us a Muslijew!!!"
Ralph was stoned and the munchies were a raging and he was intent on getting pancakes smothered in rich, real butter and thick syrup into his stomach. He waved off the pissed off pigs in a way that sent their anger wafting away on an invisible breeze. "He is not a muslim or a jew. You know, you would think, victims of prejudice like you pigs would just get over prejudice altogether, rather than going down to their level and actually becoming part of the problem. Do what you want, though, I don't care as long as someone else makes me breakfast because, even though I am god and could just make the food appear, then there is no anticipation involved. . . lacking that, things simply aren't as relished, and if you don't relish, well . . you might as well have not been born at all, eh?"
The pigs around the table were impressed by what they thought were Ralph's words, though it was as much a reaction to his getting rid of the anger in their minds and tweaking the hormones that would make them receptive, so Ralph could get his breakfast quicker. Mugily and the other disciples had come to rightly fear the uses of Ralph's powers. Something usually happened to them, as if they were in a bad horror movie or a twilight zone with a Faustian air, where any use of magic brought a price in pounds and pounds of flesh. At the time, though, it seemed like their breakfast went on to take off without a hitch . . . What they didn’t know is that the pig that was pissed off was the son of the ruling porker of pigland. Hoppy had actually already been pissed off when the God and his entourage walked in.
As his father explained to him two days before, and set off such a quivering in his son's soul that he had been riding aimlessly around pigland on a motorbike ever since, "We have film of a rabbit that bested our god. A rabbit. Even a little wild pig could kill a rabbit, let alone with that gun... but no, our god is a baffoon."
The pigs had originally created their religion around what they believed to be the first talking pig. This sad fact was
based on very little evidence -- an amusement park hide and stills from various films showing a brave pig with a gun -- they knew not why he was walking with the gun, and assumed, in the revolutionary thinking that was popular just after the pigs settled Pigland, that he was hunting and killing his opressors --- the muslim and jewish religions, which the pigs slanged as muslijews. Hoppy had basically just lost his religion . . . and in walked Ralph, a god who could wave his arm and stop a murderous pack of pigs from verbally berating a group of muslijews -- and the pigs lived for such moments, which actually never came though they were often portrayed on Pigland soap operas and light comedic movies.
As they drove off Ralph explained what had happened to Mugily and Kiplo and gang. "Yea, they started this religion after finding an old amusement park ride featuring porky. It didn't work, wasn't much left – but they figured it was Porky hunting humans. So that became their churches, you know, rides . . . like the old haunted houses in the traveling circuses with their creaky little cars and chains . . . except a lot better. I think if I ever was to start a religion, I would use this style of worship."
"You have a religion, Ralph."
"No, I have a few humans I half-ass watch out for, a family kind of. I make the religion up for your kids, you know? I helped usher in the whole idea of Childhood, man. Before me, you humans treated kids over three as little adults. And usually little adults that everyone around was abusing, which taught them to abuse the kids. Avicious cycle. So I got the whole waiting until after puberty thing started. I tried to get it raised up to 21 once, but then I kind of sobered up and wondered where that impulse had come from, you know?"
"So we're not a religion?"
"Sometimes it would be fun to be worshiped, Mugily, but that’s all a big lie. You humans never really worship anything--- you are really mostly looking for an angle, some divine sugar daddy who can give you wealth. That's the kind of shit jesus does, man. Me? I’d rather just state what's on my mind. Hell, I’m going to anyways."
"Where are the humans from Pigland?"
"They went gamer -- umm, with the xxx-box, the one that hooks up ears, hands, genitals, teeth, rectum. They liked hearing like mountain lion, smelling like a hound, feeling another human stroke their glands in various sticky, gross ways. That game knocked out religion, self-help books, lapdog celebrity/wealth worship, sports, and anything else unrelated to what they call here, of course . . . The Game. They even hooked up food and toilet tubes, and shit. They consider it going out into society to meet others on the net, as avatars, where they have developed such unrealistic ideas about beauty that they think humans in person are remarkably ugly. They stopped all actual leaving of their houses decades ago. THey all live alone, of course; since their parents died and left them the houses. The pigs put them all on government assistance. They really are a lot better at running governments than humans. They aren’t afraid of their impulses. They want to eat, screw, drink all the time, and the only reason they don’t is that The Dream of Porky is drilled into them as the only thing more important, and as such they go to work and keep things going, all in all . . . and they don't actually like drinking until they vomit, which to the food loving pig is seen as a sign of the worst sort of excess."
"Are you kidding me, Ralph?"
"No... Come on, when have I ever kidded you?"
"You had me literally shitting in my pants, after convincing me that armagedon was exactly eight minutes off. Worse few minutes of my life."
"Visions of a nuclear armaggedon always get you baby boomers
RALPH THE GOD; CH 9; THE BUZZ KILLER.
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by jsr
23/10/06
5:17 PM
Ralph has the RV stopped in a rest area, overlooking a vista of field after field of the grey, muddy sludge that had replaced the grass and the forests. A warm wind was blowing the stench of a putrid landfill into their faces as they silently stretched their legs.
Ralph occasionally, like just then, had regrets about the way he had played the whole god game on earth. Every time a species died out he had killed a few humans before he could reign in his anger -- the accidents his followers talked about, but other than that... he had no idea the gods would destroy something like earth in their quest for power. Power?
Ralph thought of power as responsibilty, and that was the last thing he wanted. ... though when the wild animals on the planet were all gone, he had begun to spend a lot of time in the past for awhile, going back and revisiting the long lost, dark green quiet of forests, the laughter of clean rippling streams. .. and then, he would have changed the course of earth had he been powerful enough.
Now, after the other gods had grown practically too strong to be challanged, he was finding himself suddenly gaining followers.
He had realized something else about Jesus during the practical joke -- the deity did not take him seriously. Ralph had been surprised at the time to find his old buddy had grown into such an asshole. Standing there looking at what the ruling four percent of humans had done to the earth, he realized that he was gaining followers without even trying, and for the first time ever, he wondered if he should have played the whole god game, been political around the other gods and solicitous to the humans? That wasn't him, but he doubted it was the other gods, either -- at least until they became involved in the power games and started judging themselves and others by how much earthly stock they held. Still.... he might have been able to stop the destruction that turned the look out point from a gorgeous vista of receeding pine forests into a place to mourn.
Ralph told his followers only, "I just figured out that I could probably take over the moon, give you guys an eden."
All but Mugily were awed at the thought of going a place none of them could even think of without choking on rage and hatred at the Bush Dynasty. . . Eden.
"They wouldn't let a black guy like me up there," kiplo said.
"Well, see... the Bushes would have to be... taken out of power, and then... Mugily and me would be setting up new rules... and you guys, too... except, nothing about foot fetishes or cleaning rituals. I have been working a long time to get rid of white and black as labels... You know, I used encourage inter-racial marriages all the time. Purely for aesthetics, actuallty... you have to admit, you white humans look half finished or something."
"Your white?"
"No, I am deeply tanned."
The Janitor to the stars spoke next, asking a question that they had all contemplating asking, "Ralph, why does a god like you have to chain-smoke joints all the time?"
"I don't."
"Every time any of has seen you, you have joint in the corner of your mouth."
"I started smoking the stuff after finding out the effect it has on the humans around me. They are a little more creative, a bit sillier, take life and all just a little easier. When I am not around humans, I don't smoke it all... "
Mugily was sceptical. "Should I write that up in the official scripture, or are you going to give me a different answer for this question next time it is asked?"
"This is another one of those things that is too complex for me to convey to a small, human brain."
Mugily knew the last statement was how Ralph blew off conversations because they bored him. Obviously Ralph was getting something out of the weed -- even if it was more pleasent human contact.
"I have another question. You're a god, so how about a little enlightenment for us? When does that happen."
"I'm not going to make you into something that you aren't. Humans are not enlightened, and to make you so would ruin what you are. Now let us silently pray."
Asking for prayer was the most polite way that Ralph demanded silence from his followers -- he had once sent the snoring Celebrity Janitor onto the roof of the bus, where he was blown off immediatly. He remained dead for sixteen hours before someone asked Ralph about him.
Ralph indeed had wanted to finish his thought... though it was sure a buzz killer -- if he was willing to clean up his act and be all selfless, he could get enough followers on earth to knock jesus down a few pegs. He would then have to spend a lot of his mental energy keeping his flock and all, and nothing would ever be the same.
A black helicopter appears from behind a brown mud horizon, zooms straight in on them fast as hell and begins firing machine guns, huge metal contraptions strapped to the landing gear and spitting a steady stream of exploding bullets.
Soon enough, the invincable Ralph was standing in a pile of dead disciples. He checked to see who was in the helicopter and found the beagle with Mad Donna's head, a couple Ashface Kurcher cloans and a Bouncing Tommy Death Doll. He flicks a finger and ball of white lightening encompasses the helicopter, smiting them down into a dust of the same grey as the muddy hills.
Ralph resurrected his followers and began the journey down the mountain of mud, to the land of the Specialists, where he needed just a few thousand followers to take over the moon... or, so he thought... Ralph, despite his claim that he smoked weed to keep the humans around him from killing his natural god buzz, was indeed math-addled from Chain Smoking weed for 130 years.
His followers pulled out a bottle of vodka and were doing shots, trying to quiet their nerves . . . they were really starting to get irritated with Ralph's saving them only after they were dead. Ralph enjoyed the spectacular accidents too much to take their opinions seriously. What could they do?
He wouldn't be able to get away with shit like that if he had to win over a large flock of humans. His god mind could tell that he was spreading from pig to pig through their land, a god who they could worship instead of Porky... they even designed a game Ralph The God, getting the human gamers in their lands to inadvertantly worship him too. That along with the Elvi-peeps was a good chunk of the center of the americas. As long as the powerful gods were taking him for a stoner concerned only with the next joint, his conversions would look accidentel to them -- since the first ones were. As long as he wasn't noticed by any of them preaching or answering prayers, he could probably keep up the farce for enough months to gain enough prayer strength to toss out the egotist Jesus.
