I haven't posted in a month. I want to come back. I'm back.
I feel as though I'm suffocating. I feel as though my freedom has been taken away and I was thrown into a whirlwind of confusion and rules. I didn't realize it would feel so restricting. It didn't register to my brain, until the first day of school was over, that this is a completely inflexible choice I have made. I can't just say, "Fuck this," and leave, because first of all, if I do that too late, I'll get a failing grade on my transcript, and second, it would be quitting on myself, and I'm not about to do that. It's just so restricting and the lines are so defined. Everyday, five days a week, for the next 4 and a half months, I'm bound to leaving the house at exactly 11:49, arriving at school, going to the same two classes, and only between those two classes, for an hour, will I have freedom. It's taking away from my flexibility and pace of self-educating myself. In a way, I feel like I'm betraying myself by going to public school, because I am no longer in charge of most of my educating. I feel claustrophobic.
On the other side of the spectrum, I really like photography, so far. To my satisfaction, my APwriting class is more challenging then I first thought it would be. The teacher, who I know, and who encouraged me to sign up for her class, might I put bluntly is an awful teacher, though. After three days of school, I realize she's not going to teach us. She's going to let us sit there, with no instruction, hand out work, and let us do it through the whole period. I'm extremely disappointed, from that angle. If I wanted to sit at my desk and do this shitty work, I could have done it myself. I came to school to be taught. That's not happening in this class.
My commons class will soon be whatever I want it to be. Studying whatever I please, going on the internet, playing piano, talking to friends, going to the library. I played piano yesterday and today, and it really helped. Knowing I was alone, in a sound-proof room. It gives me time to think, when I'm alone, and relaxes me to let my fingers tell my feelings.
One thing I have noticed is that a lot of homeschoolers (parents and children alike) underrate these kids in public school. Granted, the maturity level isn't way up there, but it's not hell like some homeschooling parents want others to think. I haven't seen any making out, fights or sassing back to teachers. I'm sure in a couple weeks I'll have seen a lot of it, but really, they're not as immature as some would like to think. Of course, some have the "I-don't-give-a-shit,do-I-look-like-I-give-a-shit?" attitude, but all in all I notice a lot of individuals just trying to be themselves, have fun, and maybe even try to learn a little.
As for me, having a hard time "fitting in" because I've been homeschooled most of my life, give me a break. Get a clue, people. I know tons of people... I wear jeans and flip flops, earrings and lip ring(okay, maybe not, but it's only 'cuz of my parents), hoodies and vans. I'm not saying I'm trying to "fit in," because by no means am I. I think it's all about finding a place where you belong enough to be confident sticking out. I don't wear my hair up in a bun, I don't wear huge navy skirts and way over-sized t-shirts. That's what you picture your average homeschooler to look like, right? Just like that, and quiet and reserved. I'm not trying to be anything I'm not. In fact, I'm not trying to be anything. Jock, prep, punk, skater, poser (who tries to be a poser? lol), nerd. No, I'm just being me. Wearing what I want on any given day could be tons of hemp necklaces with a tie-die shirt and oversized pants. Could be my scooby-doo shirt and tight jeans. Could be cords and a vintage shirt. Don't tell me who to be... The only thing is: I am a bit "anti-prep".
"And if I never find a place that I can call my own, I would have tried, I would've been free, I'll be alive as long as I'm still tryin' to be me. As long as I'm still tryin' to be me."
I'm so delighted that I'm not there ALL day, at least. I'm happy to know that I'm only tied down for a semester. I'm encouraged that I am so confident in who I am, that I know, public school isn't going to influence me, like it once could have.
If I could go back a month, and make the decision over to go or not to go, I'm really not sure what I would do. That's not the point. The point is that I decided to do it, so I will.
~Sarah