Maddness0725

Join Date 08/2004

I need the opinions of the women ( and men)of JoeUser.com

what do you think this really is?

I found that my boyfriend of 5 years had written to another woman on the internet and this is what he wrote to her, I just need to know if anyone else thinks that this is tatamount to cheating on me. I believe it is but Joel doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he did. He wrote this to her: Just browsing on SC, haven't done that in a while
and then I saw you...
Such an interesting woman,
and so
so
attention getting
luscious is a good word
lacivious is probably better though.
am I right?
good stuff
better than anything I have seen in a while
a long while.
I will be frank Lynne
( and please, at the same time not rude or forward)
I had quite an orgasm, with myself
yes I masturbated while looking at some of your pictures.
I have not done that in some time, for reasons I would like to share with you
(but not now)
I do have a question though,
what would I expect as a member?
What would I see as a member of your group?
I really don't know what all the other ladies have on their pages,
I haven't been a member of any of the other groups.
This really got me going, and I would like to tell you why if you would be interested in knowing.
Thank you for sharing yourself
(He is) Smiling
Joel Now he is talking about a web site that he frequents called" Southern Charms" and is thinking about PAYING to join this woman's club so he can view the pics she will be posting. Is this cheating? The smarmy bastard will read this so please, feel free to post your honest opinion about this. I just want to know if I am totally off base here in accusing him of cheating by writing this. And no, I dont love him anymore because of this. This was the straw that broke my back. I just want and need to know that I'm not insane for thinking that this was the same thing as him cheating on me. Thanks, Madd~ness

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I'm not asking for people to say if I'm right or wrong in this, I just feel like the man stepped on me. it isnt "light hearted fun" to me. I feel used and lied to and taken for granted. I REALIZE that opinions will differ in this. I am not expecting a great revelation in this post guys! My life has changed because he choose to share his most intimate self with another woman. I erased two replys but I was not meaning to do that. just because he was'nt mounting this woman and was just wanking, doesnt make my hurt any LESS VALID. I'm just reaching out when I feel like my heart has been destroyed. I am a person that feels, loves, hurts...all I am looking for is wether I am crazy for feeling this or not. As for telling me that perhaps I am offbase with this, maybe I am, but maybe you would'nt care if your girlfriend or boyfriend, or wife or husband shared his intimate thoughts and this most intimate self with someone else?

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this is very likely not the answer youre expecting. first of all, iim somewhat familiar with southern charms but not because im a member. while investigating a technique known as referral spoofing (with which one is able to enter a site protected by cgi login), i was able to access several sites affiliated with the southern charms enterprise.

i get the sense that your bf is trying to hustle the woman to whom he wrote the email--like trying to see if shell up the ante, etc. in that light, i dont see it as the equivalent of an affair per se. more like stuffing singles into a strippers panties, hoping shell reciprocate. i dont know if youd consider something like that is as upsetting as might be a real affair with a non-professional sex worker. i wouldnt but i would question his judgement and priorities.

if i were you, i might be hurt badly to discover he was involved with a specific 'civilian' (im not you however and im not very jealous or possessive but i realize most people tend to look at that kinda thing differently than i do). since this isnt that kind of situation, that would be much less bothersome.

im also going to qualify that by noting the following: a. the women of southern charms may be southern but ive yet to see one who qualifies as charming. for the most part, theyre pretty lame and hardly worth the superlatives hes tossing at this one. while i myself wouldnt be upset due to jealousy, id prolly be somewhat concerned that he seemed to be setting his sights way too low--and im sure id find that insulting b. if i were sure he intended to pay to become a member, id be really pissed at myself for not realizing sooner he didnt know the value of a dollar. id also be upset at myself for having settled for such a jerk. sooner rather than later, id be pissed at him too hopefully id be outta there by then

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As I said in my previous comment, which you deleted. Only you know if you're right or wrong, we can't and won't judge, because only you know what is right for you. No one else can make them decisions for you. If you feel your trust has being broken, then do what you have to do.

just because he was'nt mounting this woman and was just wanking, doesnt make my hurt any LESS VALID. I'm just reaching out when I feel like my heart has been destroyed. I am a person that feels, loves, hurts...all I am looking for is wether I am crazy for feeling this or not.

No it doesn't make your feelings any less valid, of course not. Everyone feels, loves and hurt, we are only human. You are not crazy, you are being true to yourself.

maybe you would'nt care if your girlfriend or boyfriend, or wife or husband shared his intimate thoughts and this most intimate self with someone else?

There are lines to be drawn of course. If my partner did that, depending on the situation, if I was secure in my love for them, I would realise that we all need other people for different things. We share things with friends, family. Only you know what he really shared, and only you can decide. Good luck with it

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Hi,

Personally, this is something I wouldn't be able to take in my relationship, and I feel I would be hurt and destroyed if my partner did this to me. Whether you class it as cheating or not, it's not right (imo) in the context of a relationship. I'm sorry you've had to experience this, and it sounds like you're better off without him. Good luck.

Aria

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There is no problem with what your boyfriend is doing, if he wishes to take a whore then who are you as a woman to protest? Women are brought up from birth to obey men, firstly their fathers, brothers, uncles etc. and then their husbands. Do your duty as a woman.

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I think you are right whether it was physical or not it was a betrayal of your relationship. Mainly, it hurt your feelings and he should care about that if he cares about you. If he was sorry or remorseful and promised not to do it again then I think you could patch this up but if he doesn't care or it killed whatever feeling you had for him then you are better off moving on and finding someone else.

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I think you are right whether it was physical or not it was a betrayal of your relationship.

This is the kind of nonsense that leads to such high divorce rates in our societies, this leads to the break-up of the family base and thus the ruination of family values, which directly impacts upon the glory of England and St George!

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Sir Peter - can I just say men and women are different. Men might not care about their wives having an emotional connection with another man as long as its not physcial. Most women I think feel hurt and betrayed if their men are just thinking about another woman. And who are you to talk about family values?!??? Have you found a new submissive wife yet? If men are so concerned about the break-up of the family then they should be happy and satisfied with the real live women they have in their lives not chasing after some fantasy on the computer.

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I though you broke it of with this jerk already?

oh well... dont say we didn't warn you!!! That is my answer right there!!!

BAM!!!

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As a woman: I would get upset. Mainly because your boyfriend is looking at another woman and getting excited and then acting on those urges... does he have a similar reaction to you? Rather than love and appreciate who you are, he is looking at another woman for "sex". He is getting off, on the ability that he only needs to look at the picture and not really have a relationship where he needs to nurture and help grow a relationship apart from a sexual one with this woman.

To share something with you: My ex was "completely in love with me" but screwing by best friend. No, your boyfriend isn't doing that to you with those pictures. But in a way he is as, you are not involved and there is "another woman". Beit pictures or just words there is someone else in the relationship.

I don't yet understand the whole boyfriend/girlfriend relationships as much as other's do. But I do know that porn doesn't help in the end. It just seems to allow either partner to sexually satisfy themself without the "strings" attached to a wholesome loving relationship. Which is (the loving relationship) what we all want in the end, isn't it?

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Leave him, dear girl; he's a perverted creep.

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And who are you to talk about family values?!???

I am a dynastic leader who has successfully raised three obedient children, all of my children have turned into charming and polite young adults who obey my every word.

Have you found a new submissive wife yet?

Not yet old girl, although I have found many submissive prostitutes imported from Eastern Europe who allow forceful sexual intercourse for less than £100.

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This is a tough one. I personally wouldn't have a problem with this as I regard it as the same as porn. But then many people have a problem with porn too - my bestfriend broke up with her long term boyfriend after finding his stash as to her it constituted cheating. Had he not realised this it wouldn't have seemed so bad to her, but as she had spoken to him at length and he'd agreed with her, it was a much larger crime.

I suppose what I'm saying is that if your boyfriend knew that his behaviour was a deal breaker in your relationship and he did it anyway, then it shows a complete lack of respect for you and he should be thrown out on his arse. He'll only do it again and you'll find it hard to trust him. And without trust, what have you got?

Sorry to hear that things are shitty for you right now. Take care.

Suz xxx

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I'm pissed and I don't even know you! What a horny, teenager!

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Id also like to know how you discovered this letter. Were you snooping? That alone shows an utter lack of trust. I have been married to my second Husband for almost a year now, and i have never once gone through his personal drawers, his wallet, his pockets, or his browser history. I have the password to two of His email accounts but i never check His mail unless He asks me to, and ive never looked at His "sent" or "saved" items.

Im simply mature enough to know that you cant force a man to be faithful. All you can do is be the best wife or girlfriend that you know how to be, and being a jealous, snooping, suspicious, uptight bitch is not the way to do that

with the qualification that the jealous, snooping, suspicious etc stuff is NOT gender-specfic, all of the above is absolutely correct. just as you have the right to expect that nobody goes through your purse or pockets or harddrive, so does everyone else including a shithead partner. looking for evidence damages you and your relationship and cannot be justified no matter what you find or dont find. the most basic law of relationships is this: ultimately both women and men are going to do what they want to do. you could lock him in the house and chain him to a chair but its not going to stop him from thinking about others. if you cant live with that, you cant live with him. do yourself a favor in that case and find someone else.

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Here is a funny think - you ask a man if he doesnt look at pron and he says no! well you know that man here is lying because all men are doing it. It is what they call "The Human ANIMAL" for a reason. So dont worry about this - the next one will do the same and you will die lonely and alone.

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I expected nothing less than this from you Peter. Thanks for not dissapointing me

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little_whip,
"He probably didnt tell you about this because he knew your reaction would be as immature as it is."

the issue isnt that he is masturbating here. please re read my post. the issue is that he is also writting to her.

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Kingbee,

"i get the sense that your bf is trying to hustle the woman to whom he wrote the email--like trying to see if shell up the ante, etc. in that light, i dont see it as the equivalent of an affair per se. more like stuffing singles into a strippers panties, hoping shell reciprocate."\\ I had never thought of it that way kingbee but I can see what you are saying.

Perhaps you are correct in this. Thanks for sharing with me because I needed to hear from others and have no outlet here for discussion. Most appreciated and very insightful.
~Madd~

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Keo Lin,You know, of all of the responses, I think you may be closest to what is going on with him. He has made passing comments over the years that made no real sense to me until I read your post. This is exactly why I decided to talk about what happened, to get a look at how others would see it because I dont always see things as they are. I tend to be pesimistic rather than optimistic in some situations. Your post has helped me feel better so thanks so much for taking the time to share with me. ~Madd~

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little _whip,

"being a jealous, snooping, suspicious, uptight bitch is not the way to do that", umm...putting myself out there when I felt hurt and betrayed was hard to do. Telling me that I'm an uptight bitch was a little bit agressive and perhaps you could have said things with a tad less malice? anyhoo, thanks for your input just the same. I dont feel that I'm an uptight bitch at all. Just a very sensitive woman.

~Madd~

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little_whip,No squeazing going on here( I've stepped away from it), I suppose if taken in the context that you use, it could be seen as harmless adoration by him. And yes, she is using it to make a living . I was never affraid that he would have a relationship with her, the problem was that his hours and hours spent in this pursuit of this was encroaching on our time together and thus began to have an adverse effect on the intimacy of our relationship ie...him never feeling the need for a genuine sexual relationship outside of his fantasy one. He had become obsessive about it and several talks about how I felt about never having intimate time with him went unheeded.

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I am going to give you my opinion on this although it differs radically from that of the majority. First off, it sounds like, from this post and a previous one that you have on the forum, that he is not merely perusing porn when the mood hits him. It sounds like he has a full-blown addiction to pornography. Whether a woman is OK with her man looking at porn or not, it is a problem when he invests more time in his porn habit than in the real, live relationship he is in. Judging from the time that you have suggested he spends with it, this guy probably needs some help.

I don't believe that men are animals who have no control over their actions. We all have urges that may or may not be socially desirable, but we have the choice of whether to indulge ourselves in them or not. If his porn habits make you feel bad, and he knows this and yet continues to behave the way he does, without putting any effort whatsoever into curbing his habit, he might as well be holding a sign that says: "I don't care about your feelings. My wants and desires are what matter in this relationship." Yes, men like to look at porn. Yes, it's normal. I like to eat ice cream. I mean, I REALLY like it. It's a normal thing for me to do. Does that mean that it's OK for me to sit around eating ice cream all day when I know that my partner is going to be repulsed by the gluttonous behavior and by the physical appearance that the behavior will create? Sure, I CAN do it. I'm a grown-up, and it's my right. But I love my partner and I care about his feelings, so I don't do that.

Some women are OK with their men looking at porn. Some women even enjoy viewing it with their men. That's fine. It is not a problem or issue in their relationship. Your guy's porn viewing is making you feel that you are less than attractive and unimportant to him. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are what they are. Either he needs to make changes in his behavior or he is not the guy for you. Consider it a blessing that this issue is coming to a head (pun not intended) before you guys have married.

I do not like for my husband to look at porn. I have some pretty deep trust and self-esteem issues caused by some events in my life that far preceed his presence in it. My issues are not his fault. However, because he loves me, he embraces my strengths and my weaknesses, and I do the same with his. He's a guy. He likes porn. His looking at porn causes me to feel unattractive, unvaluable, unloved, and betrayed. Right or wrong, this is how I feel. Because he loves me and does not want me to feel that way, he puts my interests above his own and chooses to fight his urge to look at porn. It is a sacrifice he makes on my behalf. This is not to say that he never has the urge or that he never gives in. It just means that he makes a concerted effort to not engage in an activity that damages my feelings.

If your guy will not change his behavior out of respect for your feelings, and you cannot tolerate the continuation of his behavior, then even though you have invested many years in this relationship, it may be best for you to let go of him. I personally would not stay with a man who held so little value for my feelings and my contributions to the relationship. However, in the end, only you can decide what you can put up with.

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