So many people let the pain in their lives rule them forever. The sins of the father become the sins and pain of the child.
My father is an asshole. He is manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive. When my parents split up 2 1/2 years ago because of his rampant infidelity, I tried to forgive him. I tried to maintain a relationship with him. But it was to no avail. At every turn he belittled and cut me down. I earned a 4.0 during a very stressful semester in college and the only thing he said when he saw my grades was "What, you couldn't get a 4.1?" I tried to let it go, but during that holiday season, every person that entered our home was shown my grades and he repeated the same hurtful phrase. Maybe he was joking, maybe not. But it bothered me and I went to him, like a mature adult and said "I know you are just joking, but when you say that it really hurts me." He told me that I was like a CD player and he just had to know what buttons to push. If you don't like the reaction, stop pushing the button!!
When I started dating a new guy (who I am still with now, 2+ years later), my dad insinuated that I was dating a woman. He asked me "What's her name?" This may seem like an innocent joke, by my fathers homophobia is second only to his nymphomania. Several months later, I called him and asked him to have a bill forwarded to my address at school (My name was not on the loan so I could not change the address.) He refused. He said that I would have to go through him. Keep in mind, I was 21 years old at this point, not some helpless child. So I stopped paying the bill. The car was repossed 6 months later, 1 week after I bought my own car in my name with my own loan. I will conceed that this particular method of pay-back was childish and probably made me no better than him, but I had to fight back somehow.
Shortly before the car was repoed, I graduate from college. Dear old dad calls 2 days before graduation and says "I'm not coming." Confused I asked why. "You didn't call me on Easter" is the reply. Well, I think to myself, you didn't call me either, and besides, I was preparing for a presentation in front of the NC General Assembly. I was a little preoccupied. So I called him out on his excuse. He quickly changed his story--"Well, I have to work" he stammers. Nice try dad, but upper-level marketing exec's don't work on Sunday's...heck, they don't work during the week if they don't want to. The third and final excuse was this, verbatim:
"Well Jen, you have to learn that everything in life isn't about you."
"Then who is it about dad, you?"
"That's right."
It was at this point I hung up the phone. Tears welling up in my eyes, I focused on my driving, focused on the honor cords I was on my way to pick up. The phone rings again. Dad: "Did you hang up or did we get disconnected?" Me: "I hung up, because I pay the bill for this phone and if I don't want to talk to you, I won't."
I have barely spoken to my father since May of 2003. I have no desire to. He is $15,000 behind in child support. He has actually threatened my mother that he'd go work at McDonalds so he wouldn't have to pay her as much in child support. Doesn't he realized that he isn't hurting mom, he is hurting his children that need that money for school supplies and food. Mom works, but she is limited. She doesn't have a college education because she spent the last 20 years raising my fathers kids.
I could go on for pages and pages about how horrible my father is. I guess my main point of writing this is to get it out. Sorry if it isn't the smoothest writing. I'm in a solid relationship with a wonderful guy that I love more than I thought I could ever love someone. We have been talking about marriage and family and I guess I'm doing a lot of reflecting. I don't want the sins of my father to become my sins. I don't want his pain to become my pain or my childrens pain. Even though I have barely spoken to him in a year, I still have this deep, dark fear that one day out of nowhere he'll appear and destroy my world like he did when my parents first split. I pray that someday, he'll realize how much hurt he has caused. I also pray that when he asks for my forgiveness, I'll be able to give it to him.
Thanks for listening,
Jenna
