I haven’t felt this terrible for quite some time, and what’s worse is the fact that I couldn’t have possibly anticipated this feeling… After months in the wilderness, dealing with my emotions, I saw my ex last night.
I was well on the way to having one of the most fun weekends in a long time… out on Friday night, out on Saturday night, and out yesterday for Glen’s birthday. We headed to the pub down the road at about 4.30pm, and after the previous two evenings activities, I thought I wouldn’t be up for a corker… turns out, after that first beer hit the lips ever so sweetly, I was up for a great night, and proceeded to indulge!
The night wore on, many a laugh was shared, and all I wanted to do was bust some dance floor action. This pub was particularly crowded though – I attribute that to the news going round that I would be there, whilst this was great, I had no room to bust it… however, 9.00pm arrived, and that particular establishment closed… we were moving on to the Depot.
The Geebung and the Depot must be run by the same consortium or something. There was a ‘party bus’ taking us from one venue to the other – quite possibly one of the most entertaining bus trips I have had for a while. Music blaring, people having fun, all primed for a good night – and let me tell you, I can’t explain the euphoria I was feeling… I was surrounded by great friends, and I was feeling on top of the world – I guess that’s why it hit me so hard.
We settled in at the pub, and after a few quiet ones… (I use the term quiet very loosely) It was only a matter of time until we transgressed to the dance floor. Within five minutes, my spirits were on the floor, figuratively speaking.
I saw her friends first, the ones I hated… I thought I had best be civil, and smile… then I saw her… I didn’t know what to do. For the first time in so long, I was feeling this immense pain in my chest. I went and spoke to her… probably a mistake in hindsight; maybe I wouldn’t be feeling as bad as I do… Actually, it was very stupid to speak to her, but I have never been in that situation before, so I have to make these mistakes for myself right? Well, it’s not a mistake I will make again.
It was just small talk you know, I walked up to her, and with my trademark smirk… she just rolled her eyes in contempt and turned away. It’s fair enough for someone to ignore and email, phone call, or text message… but to blatantly disregard someone who is standing right in front of you… someone who you were supposed to care about… well, I wasn’t expecting that.
Forgive me for being cocky, but this kind of thing doesn’t happen to me. Anyone can ignore me – I don’t give a fuck… it’s their problem… This is why I don’t understand – why has seeing Kate had such an adverse effect on me? I want to hold her in contempt for telling me she doesn’t care, but I still have this stupid inclination to apologise for being confrontational last night!
I don’t even know if what I did can be construed as confrontational… I mean, I got the message after she told me she didn’t care 4 times, and I just walked away… Why should I feel sorry for that? I feel sorry because I put myself in a position I never wanted to be in. Who wants to be told by their first ever love that they don’t care about you?
The rest of the night, I had a plethora of fine woman that I had been spending the night with request to have a dance with me on the floor near my ex… It just felt ridiculous… I loved my friends for trying to help me, but I just wasn’t up to it. I tried to bust some moves on the dance floor… but with her there, nothing felt right.
I have spent the last 2 years of my life getting over this love… and, I was doing a great job you know… If anything, last night, I should be embracing my hatred for this girl, and what she has done to me… I should be feeling sorry for her for passing up an opportunity of my friendship… I should have nothing but pity and contempt for her, the way she has treated me…
It’s been so long… a few months ago, I decided Kate was dead to me… she was certainly on that dance floor though, and she certainly inspired more emotion within than any dead person can. Anyone can be dead figuratively speaking… this is just one of those cases where I have a desire for the death to be literal.
No one has the capacity to hurt me like she has… done… will… And I have no one to blame for this but myself… I couldn’t go to sleep last night… my house mate was as consoling as he could be… I guess it feels like this for anyone when they see their ex, and the time factor doesn’t matter… It’s just amplified because I haven’t been in love since… and I hate that.
You can’t hurry love though – and crap like this, whilst painful… makes love all the more worthwhile when you do find it…. Who knows what the future holds for me… I just know she isn’t in it, and while that upsets me… ultimately it’s her problem… I know one day it will be ‘Kate who?’ well… I anticipate that day with open arms.
BAM!!!
