Those of you who have been reading my posts will know I've been seeing someone for about 4 months now and it is going REALLY well. Its funny what life hands you sometimes. When I first started seeing this person I was SURE it wasn't going to go anywhere and saw him about every 2 weeks. Well we've been spending weekends together and its been amazing. As I mentioned he's Catholic so our sex life has had to be inventive and it IS. At first when we discussed his views on intimacy (specifically penetration) I just wrote it off as any kind of relationship. But I liked him so much as a person ,we have a lot of fun together... he's smart and funny and incredibly generous and kind hearted as well as beautiful that I thought I'd give it a chance and see him and just go where it took me. I'm very glad I did. Yes I do realise that eventually we will have to get over the "hump" pardon the pun of actual intercourse, but we're getting there. Meanwhile I've had to rethink my approach to sexuality and eroticism. Its been very good for me I must say. If someone told me I'd be having such incredible orgasms I'd be almost falling off the bed I would have laughed....I was WRONG. Silly silly me...
But you know its more than that. Its like a light just went on in a very dark, dust sheeted room. When my ex husband had his affairs and then my relationship with Steve fell apart I really thought that was it for me. Even my father said that he thought the divorce was a mistake, that i'd be lonely in my forties. He reckoned I should just "forgive" Bob and stay put. My reply was that he didn't raise a doormat and is that what he really wanted for my life. It was a very very black period in my life. It was truly like the light went out. I love my job and am very lucky with my friends but I think we all want love. So many people say they don't "need" anyone, needing someone has become patheticism...you are less of a person if you admit you want love and actively look for it.
The thing is is when you talk to people who say these things it usually turns out that they do want love very very much...often fear and past experiences keeps them from finding it. I tell my students you must NEVER let your past write your future. Life is so rich and so amazing you have to get out there and really be a part of it. Not just hang out on the periphery watching.
I love this man and all that he is. Loving someone means you love them BECAUSE of their faults, what makes them human not in spite of them. I want someone to be able to really "see" me faults weak spots and all and love me... the totality of me. Love I think is both easier and harder at this age, especially when you've been through an LTR or a marriage. You KNOW so clearly what it is you need and want but you also know the pain if it ends, the slow tortorous process of rebuilding your life brick by brick.
I forgot how wonderful it is just to lie in bed for 4 hours and snuggle naked and talk and talk and talk and giggle and be silly and snooze. How important affection and respect and caring are in our lives. And not to worry about the future and the meaning of it all...sometimes just being there is enough....
Cheers!
PS am up for a really good job at one of Australia's sandstone uni's....cross your fingers for me:P
