I've lived in many places over the years, even before I married and my husband joined the military. At the age of 10 I was living in my 4th state, 5th city, and 6th home. In my younger years I had the privilege to live near my grandparents. Four years in Arkansas near my dad's parents, with another 4 nearby while I was in college. Five years in northwest Pennsylvania near my mom's parents, where I started school, had my own donkey, roamed around a 100 acre farm and had all kinds of adventures. After moving away from PA, though, I rarely ever went back. Yeah, when we lived in NY we'd go visit on occasion, but it was an 8 hour drive, so it didn't happen all that often. And then when I went off to college and got married.....I've been back once. My husband and I went to visit my parents in NY for Christmas one year not long after we were married, and we made a trip to PA while we were there. My Texan had never seen so much snow, as we were struck with a blizzard the night before New Year's Eve.......there's nothing quite like a blizzard coming off a Great Lake! That had to have been close to 10 years ago now. I wish I'd been back more recently. I wish I wasn't going back now.
I remember so many things about my grandfather's farm. Playing in the hayloft of the barn, tricking friends into touching the electric fence, grinding gravel from under the willow tree into "flour" to make bread with, taking friends to visit and ride Clementine, my donkey, with me (she was ornery and loved to eat tobacco), the trees everywhere, the flowers, the creeks, wandering the woods with cousins, going out with Grampa to pick out the Christmas tree for the living room. Most of all I remember the times I spent with my grandparents. My grandmother (the one I grew up with, his second wife) died when I was a junior in high school, and it was the first time someone close to me died. I almost didn't go with everyone else to the funeral. I was going to stay at home, because I had an important concert I was supposed to play in that I just couldn't miss. I caved at the last minute and went. To my shock, there was a snow storm back in NY, on Long Island no less, that caused the concert to be delayed until after I returned! My grandfather remarried a year later, the last time the whole family was together. He had survived two wives, and each one was younger than the last(1st-5yrs, 2nd-10yrs, 3rd-15yrs). My brother and cousins and I joked callously that we didn't have to worry about Grampa going anywhere for awhile, because he had to wait until this one croaked it so he could marry someone 20 years younger!
It's not to be. I saw them last spring when they were visiting my parents in AR. I drove up from TX for the weekend, and although it wasn't a very long visit, it was nice. I have been absolutely horrible about keeping in touch over the years, and it's weighing so heavy on my heart right now. Two years ago when I was faced with the imminent demise of my paternal grandfather, I was able to hop in the car and make the 8 hour drive in time to see him again and be in the room when he went. I type this knowing that I won't be in time this time, and it hurts. Grampa's been in and out of the hospital alot lately, his heart working at less than 30% for months. He has emphysema from years shoveling coal as a fireman on trains and ships, he's had multiple open heart surgeries, and he's had pneumonia twice in the last six months. It's not as if this isn't expected, and yet.....
My mom took the train Sunday, my cousin and her parents left yesterday, my dad brother and sister-in-law are leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive, and I finally found a flight this morning that isn't going to require the sacrifice of my first born child. I leave tomorrow around noon and won't be arriving until close to midnight, as I'll be flying in to a major city a couple hours away. That gives me time to get packed and make arrangements for the cats, change a dr appt I have Monday.......but I have to be back for a major overnight hospital visit Wednesday, so I'll be coming back Tuesday.
Grampa was still hanging in there when I talked to my mom a couple of hours ago. My aunt had just arrived, the last of the 3 living children to get there, and that's what he seemed to be waiting for. A week ago he had been released to a nursing home for recovery and they decided that he would probably have to stay there. He couldn't really take care of himself anymore, and my grandmother couldn't do it herself either. Their lawyer came to talk to them about options and explained that they would probably have to sell the farm for him to stay in the nursing home. He hasn't lived there since he remarried because he moved into her house in town. But it's the house he was born in, his kids were raised in, his first two wives lived and died in, his father built. It's been in the family for over a hundred years. The next day he was taken back to the ER after a heart attack and stroke. He'd given up rather than face the option of giving up his home.
It will be bittersweet to see my family and the countryside I haven't seen in so long. I wish that my husband could be with me, to be the support I need, as I know I will have to be strong for my mom. She's already asked me about singing at the funeral, so I need to go find a CD today, in between laundry, packing, and petting the cats for comfort. Yet I'm just sitting here at the computer. I think I'm just rambling now and putting off what I really need to be doing......cuz if I don't go, if I'm not there, then it never really happened, right?
