i have some idea of just horrible this was for both of you.  in our case, a young doctor asked her about 8 questions--all of which i would eventually hear asked so many times i'm able to do a fairly competent initial evaluation by rote--but the answers came very slowly.  so slowly, in fact, the answers weren't properly synched to the questions.  which is why the doctor incorrectly believed the answer to 'do you want to hurt yourself or anyone else" was 'yes' even tho the 'yes' was a response to a couple questions asked prior to that one.

by law, the doctor was required impose a 72-hour hold but she didn't tell us that then.  she recommended voluntary admission but said it was our decision.  we wanted to go have a smoke and walked up to the station to let them know we'd be right back. 

that's when the supervisor told us she couldn't leave.  when i told him the doctor said it was to be our decision, he told me that was no longer the case.  when i asked if there was someone else to whom i could speak, he told me if i interfered he'd have me arrested.

at this point, several deputies brought a hysterical screaming woman into the room and proceeded to help the staff strap her to a gurney.  they then gave her an injection and rolled her away.

the supervisor told me i needed to take her into a smaller room with very thick glass panels...and then walk out and leave her there.  i said i didn't know if i could do that.  he told me i'd just seen what would happen if she didn't go quietly.

i held her hand and we walked into the room.  there was very thin older woman laying on a padded bench (i hadn't been able to see her at first).  i just stood there and held her hand very tightly.  the supervisor was motioning me to walk out and was clearly running out of patience.  by now she sensed something was wrong (altho i'm not sure how because she had been so disconnected the entire day) she started asking me what we were doing.   the supervisor opened the door and asked if i wanted to be arrested.

i kissed her forehead, unable to look into her eyes.  i turned and walked out.

the door lock clicked incredibly loudly. 

i took two steps and heard her pounding on the glass.  i turned around and was frozen in place by the anquish in her eyes and the terror that had taken over her face.  i couldn't hear her but i knew she was yelling at me...begging me not to leave her there...to come back and get her. 

i began to cry while the supervisor grabbed my arm and pushed me toward the door.  he told me not to return until i'd spoken to the nurse in the locked ward by phone and been given permission to visit.

my memory of the next couple hours is blurred.  i remember crying uncontrollably as i walked outta the hospital.  it took me a while to find the car; i was wandering pretty much blindly thru the parking lot until i wound up next to it.  i ahouldn't have been driving because i was literally unable to see clearly.  my glasses were fogged so i took them off.  i'm legally blind without lenses but i couldnt see thru them anyway.

somehow i managed to blindly drive home, all the while sobbing so  violently i could barely get enuff breath into my lungs. i parked the car but didn't get out.  i sat there unable to do much more than keep myself from being crushed as sets of huge dark waves crashed down on me.

i gradually began to regain some control and after about 20 minutes i was able to get outta the car, walk into the building and up the stairs.  i let myself in to our apartment, closed the door and just stood there. i was trying to determine what i should do next when i saw a lil scrap of paper on which she'd scrawled a cartoonish drawing hours earlier.  it was just a sorta blob. 

she'd drawn it after i'd spent about a half hour that morning begging her to tell me what was wrong.  she'd picked up a pen and made the drawing, written something and handed me the paper. 

it was yellow and about the size of a post-it note...altho it wasn't.  under the drawing she'd written 'a spooky ghost'.

just seeing the paper was all it took to completely undo me.  i began bawling again...even harder than before (altho that doesn't seem possible looking back...but it was).  i made it to the bed and collapsed, unable to do anything more than cry. 

hours later i woke up in a totally dark room.  for a few moments i had no idea where i was or how i'd arrived there.  when i realized i was in our bed, i reached out to find her but, of course, she wasn't there.

i was so drained it took me a long while...maybe an hour before i was finally able to pull myself over and turn on the lamp.  about ten minutes later i found the locked ward nursing station number and dialed it.

they told me they weren't sure where she'd be held until 9 the next morning (it was about 11pm i think) and to call back then.  i turned the light off and just laid there hoping i was still asleep and when i woke up i'd be so happy it had all been just a horrible nightmare.

without question that was the worst day of my life.