Angela,
Why don't you think you're good enough? That is what I hear screaming at me when I read this article, so I am approaching my reply from it.
You can say the women at the luncheon were fake and all that...but does that really matter? The truth is you don't think you're good enough to sit there with them. And maybe you're afraid if you open your mouth they will know it too?
And pigging out and then exercising? That is much more common than you think. I don't see anything wrong with eating what you like and then making sure you work out enough to cover it. Just make sure you are getting something healthy, even if some days its just a multi-vitamin. But its not something to beat yourself up over.
You don't know how similar we are in most ways, in fact almost EVERY situation you described above...count me as someone who lived the exact same thing. Because I sang in public, acted on stage, people assumed I was ultra confident. And I made sure they assumed it, but inside I was not.
So I hope you will take this as a hand up and not anything negative.
I came to a place in my life where I acknowledged and OWNED some things. It actually sounds like you are acknowledging a lot of things, which is a great start. But its only the beginning.
Once I went through my list and acknowledged these mostly unflattering things about myself. I asked myself "Now what?"
I figured there were two choices open to me. I could continue believing I wasn't worthy and acting like I wasn't....but what a big fat waste of a life.
OR I could say, "From this moment forward, I will own my life."
That sounds easy but it was not at first. For example, I used to walk with my head down. When walking on the street, the mall, whatever. I was an attractive fit woman so men often hit on me. I learned early on if I kept my head down, my body language would generally put them off. I also believed if they got close enough to me they would see the ugly monster inside. No matter how many men talked to me or asked me out, I felt completely worthless. I was SO AFRAID they'd see it too.
No one suspected it because I was a great actress. I could be forthright, in your face, and fighting with the loudest of them. But deep down it was to cover my fear of being discovered...I was a fake, an ugly monster.
Now you may not have these exact same feelings..but the gist seems to be the same.
There were some things I made myself start doing. First of all, I looked myself in the eye using a mirror, and had a long talk. Basically I said Look T. It's time to get over it. Put the past to bed. No more thinking about it. No more dwelling on it. I can't change it. (So when things come to mind that hurt me, do something else, anything else to get my mind off it.) Accept it. I had this talk a lot at first, then less until it was no longer necessary.
Then the hard part. I asked myself why I wasn't worthy to look people in the face. Why I was a monster. I wrote down in a journal all the things "wrong" with me, and all the wrongs I committed.
I saw right away that the only reason I was a monster, was because I believed it. Sure I had skeletons in my closet..who doesn't? But you can either lay down with it and let it run your life, or put it away..learn what you can and move on.
There were very few things I couldn't change. One was marriage. I don't believe in accidents and refused to any longer allow the word divorce into my mind. You will be surprised by how much better the marriage will get if you take divorce out of the equation. Because then you have only two options. Make it better or suffer for the rest of your life.
You say you're not attracted to your husband. That's because you won't allow it. Deep down you're not really worthy of his love are ya? And anyway, he must not be all that good and right for wanting you eh?
I don't mean that, but I do know the voice who speaks it well.
That's all bull. Don't fall for it. YOU are the only reason your marriage is the way it is. You and only you. (From what I've read you say about your husband...nice good guy.) Now don't get all weepy about it. CHANGE IT. Determine divorce is no longer an option. Kill the word.
Start treating your husband like he is the love of your life. Yes that means having sex when he wants it. Yes, at first it will be faking. But if you stick with it, well, the results will be much better than anything you have now. And for me, the faking, became my real life and I can't tell you how it changed my perspective.
Here are my suggestions as someone who went down this road.
I would like to suggest you get back into therapy. Tricare will cover the bulk of it. It seems from your writing you need someone to talk too who can give you perspective. I believe there is something cathartic in talking to someone who you will eventually leave behind. There are fantastic counselors in Minot.
I would also suggest working on your relationship with Christ. Have you ever considered the fact that the reason you are so wishy washy when it comes to your church attendance is because you are in the wrong religion? The wrong church?
My point is, you want your life to change. There are no sacred cows. Including the "name" of your faith. Now you know I believe Jesus is Lord but there are so many denominations out there.....perhaps you are in the wrong one. Just something to consider.
I also suggest killing the word divorce. Start treating your husband like he is your dream husband. Steel your mind to do it no matter how hard or how much faking it takes. After four weeks you tell me if there is any difference. I'm betting there will be a huge one.
Last, I recommend making a list. Make a list of all the reasons you aren't worthy. Then pretend your best friend made the list and you have to refute it. Write down rebuttals to all the ones you can.....then ACCEPT the ones you can't.
I hope this helps. Perhaps it was just my way of healing, but I hope you can take something from it.
