Romance Over Time
I know it has been almost a year since I have actually had the time to blog but here goes...
I Want To Share A True Story With Everyone Here. Something That Changed My Life Forever.
I haven't written on here in over a year...Most of the things that have gone on in my life over the last year has been covered by my wonderful husband Damon (JadesHubby) AKA Babiboy1982 on Xanga. As of late I have thought a great deal about the things in life that really matter. At one time in my life I was so obsessed with my theatre/music/singing/acting career. It was all I thought about 24 hours a day 7 days a week all year round every year. I grew up onstage in the spot light whether it be in a musical on Broadway or London, in an opera in concert or whatever. After a few years I realized that I was getting lonely. I was dating a man that was in the same profession who was just as career obsessed as I was. I never really loved him...we were kind of setup by our parents. He was gorgeous and talented...rather intelligent, but he lacked any sort of personality. He was like my mother...career comes before family, relationships, children etc. I started seeing myself become the same way. We parted our seperate ways. While in College and working onstage, a friend of mine over the internet introduced me to a guy in Pawhuska, Oklahoma. I was 19 he was 15. I called him baby boi. It always stuck with him. We started talking over Yahoo Messenger, I knew then that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. We talked forever it seems. The more I talked to him the less career obsessed I became. At that point in time, my father was living with me...rather sponging off me. "I had my own place since I was 15..guess my Dad saw me as a pretty good meal ticket." One day I came home from College was getting ready for a performance which I had to fly to NYC for. Back then I flew alot...everyone wonders why I hate flying LOL HMM I WONDER....ANYWHO...I told my 15 year old love that morning to meet me online at 330-400 pm that day as I had something to tell him which was I had arranged for him to where I was to live with me. When I got home I went to get on my computer he wasn't on. I waited a few minutes until my face and the rest of me met a fist from my then psychopathic father "he has calmed down and gotten help since then...THANK GOODNESS." My father busted my computer...I was as a hobby an amature body builder at that time if I would've hit my Dad I'd probably be in Jail today...Glad I Didn't ...needless to say I never made the performance and Equity Cancelled my contract for the show as I was in the ICU for over a month. I still never found out why my Dad flipped on me that day as hard as he did.
All I worried about was my 15 year old love. My mother says to this day that a child prodigy should have more brains than love someone that much younger than himself especially when that person is underage. I didn't care...still don't. My 15 year old love thought I had abandoned him...he never logged on again. I went down to Oklahoma to find him after I got out of the hospital and waited for months for him to log on. Neither me or my online friend "Jess the one that introduced us." knew what happened to him. Then and there I decided to drive to Oklahoma and search the entire state until I found him. After living in hotels and motels for about 3 months...I had to give up. I went back home...ended up in several disasterously abusive and unloving relationships. All I ever thought about was that 15 year old I talked to on the internet. In the summer of 2004 I met a perfect 21 year old man, my wonderful (Now husband) Damon. I knew that he was the man of my dreams...he was and still is wonderful. Like any normal couple we have our disagreements (the making up is fun). Even when Damon and I got together and Had our wedding in London, I was still thinking about my 15 year old love over the internet...I was still wishing It was him that I married. I regretted that I was unable to send for him as I had planned and prepared for. I never told Damon about him. Never told anyone about him except my friend Amy. I started to wonder about Damon. Something about him struck a chord in me that worried me yet made me happy but at the same time scared the Holy Crap out of me. I didn't know what it was. I of course didn't tell him. He over-reacts to things and might have thought I didn't love him etc. etc. etc. I did love him, but I was still so in love with that 15 year old over the internet.
In October 2004 Damon was on the computer. He decided he should check his yahoo messenger names that he hadn't checked in forever. I sat down beside him and watched him. He logged in one name after another. We both had alot of Yahoo ids over the years. Then something amazing but scary happened. I saw him log in to a very familiar yahoo id...on his buddy list was one of my old yahoo IDs the one I used to talk to my 15 year old love under. I looked at Damon and said, "Hunny, you're Dagwood?" He went huh? "Your Yahoo ID." Then I realized what that weird feeling about Damon was...He said yeah. I said do you see that Yahoo ID you have listed there? "I pointed to my yahoo ID" He said, "Yes...I should remove it. I don't really need it on here since I found you. That Yahoo ID belongs to someone that hurt me and abandoned me when I was a teenager." I looked at Damon....started to cry and said..."Listen Runt" He looked at me and said, "Don't call me that..this guy used to call me that." I contiued on... "I didn't abandon you. My father..." I didn't get to finish my statement. Damon stood up. Looked at me with this piercing almost hatefully evil expression, stormed out of the room and said..."I AM GOING FOR A DRIVE YOU SOB! HOW COULD YOU? I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK." Damon went out for a drive for about 2 to 3 hours and came back... we started to argue a bit and said you hurt me. I told him that I didn't mean to. I asked him to sit down so I could explain everything that happened. I was so scared, I finally found him and was scared of losing him again. I wish I would have known sooner. I had to make Damon sit down he was in a fit. I explained everything that had happened. He knew I was telling the truth as he knew how my father was.
Damon said the main reason he wanted to come up here was to find me and beat the holy hell out of me. But he found true love along the way in me. He admitted that even after we lost contact online that he still loved that guy "me" that he met when he was 15. He said for the longest time he thought I had abandoned him. Even though he knew in his heart that I didn't.
I sometimes think that If I would have not went home that day and went to the Computer Lab at the College as I had originally intended none of the bad stuff that happened in Damon's life would have happened. If I had only reached him then. When we get in our little marital spats. He brings up once in a while that if I had been online that day his life would've not been such a living hell. He know that is the one way to make me shut up and let him flame off until he cools down. I know he loves me...the me he met online and the me he met in person so many years later.
Sometimes I think there is still a little bit of a grudge about the situation that happened. Not really that it is directed at me or even my Dad for what he did. Just that he really wishes we would've had all those years together he knows that I would've kept him just as safe as he would've kept me. Neither of us would've been in such crappy relationships. We realize that we NOW have each other and nothing will ever change that. I just want to say to Damon...
Babiboy, I love you with all my heart. You still make me the happiest person on the face of this vast blue orb we call Earth. Damon no matter how bad things get, we can overcome those obstacles together. With our two hearts combined as one...we are an unstoppable force. We've fought many obstacles and hardships together and for those years that we lost each other. They've made us stronger. One thing I have learned from all of this is how special and wonderful you are. I wake up everyday, amazed at how the two men of my dreams ended up to be the same person. Sometimes when you are awake and on the computer or watching television or getting ready to go to work while I am sleeping. I am usually not sleeping...as I want you there with me so we can hold each other.
No matter what anyone tells you...you are a wonderful person...sweet and kind. You are a wonderful husband and the perfect father to our little daughter. For the first time in my life. I felt safe knowing you were there with me. I promised you at 15 that I would always be there to take care of you. I am glad we are now together to take care of each other...even though these days it seems as if you are taking care of me more. I know you do that out of love. You and I take care of each other in so many ways...there is nothing that could be more perfect than our love for one another. My once empty and regretful heart only knows one feeling...LOVE. The love that I feel for you. The feeling and serenity of the love you give to me.
I want to thank you for all the good times and even the bad. We can't have one without the other. We manage to make even our bad times good because of your strength and the reassurance you always give me to know that everything will be alright as long as we are together. Damon, You always will be my Babiboy, Runt and Romeo. I love you, Tex with all my heart. You are the cowboy that hog-tied my heart around yours to make us one. I just want to thank you for everything you have given me. This first year and almost two months together in person has been the best of my life. I want us to have many more. When you come home from work I will probably be asleep...Dreaming of you.