guys i am really struggling, i know its the past but its been with me every day of the past 20 yrs.
I went through a similar thing after I was physically assaulted and I know how hard it can be to forget, to have the confidence to be your former self, but it is possible, and I would know because I succeeded. You can also do it, believe me. Firstly, get through this court case to put this person behind bars for a very long time... this will assist in your feeling safe and confident afterwards.
The forgiveness you need to find in your heart is not necessarily to make him feel any better, but to release a lot of negative emotions that have been with you since that day... those feelings of hurt, anger, insecurity and depression, etc. Believe me, when you find that forgiveness, these feelings will dissipate and go away. I know this might sound crazy, but believe me, it works. The bloke who assaulted me mightn't care one way or the other if I forgave him or not, but I sure as heck notice the big difference in my state of mind.
i dont have the courage to take my own life, am far too weak but it does worry me that i am even thinking of it.
It's not that you are too weak It took greater strength and courage to live with the pain for the last 20 years than to end it. You have plenty of strength and courage and never doubt that you have more than enough to carry on. You are going through a highly emotional and confusing period right now, and you're in two minds, so to speak. There's the doubting side of you has the weaker thoughts and doesn't know how to cope, and there is a side of you which has the courage and it is saying the only satisfactory outcome is for you to forge ahead and keep going. So, the reason you cannot take your own life is because your stronger side has the upper hand and will guide you through this.
i know i do find kindness very difficult to handle as i am a stranger to it but it is comforting to know that ppl care, strange isnt it that i am such a compassionate person myself - thats why my patients loved me i suppose.
It makes you feel good that your patients loved you, right? OK, then, that's how you think of other peoples kindness. The caring people around you are doing what you did for your patients, offering compassion, love, caring, support.... because you are as important to them as your patients were/are to you. It's a give and take relationship, in a way. Receive the care they're offering with the same spirit in which it is offered and they are rewarded with the knowledge it has had a positive outcome.... just like you were rewarded when your patient care returned positive results. Its a win, win situation, right?
And here's some love and sunshine right back at you....