I wanna be the one that gets to tell the family member that their love one is terminally ill and taht the hospital cannot treat them unless they sign over their soul and the soul of every first born child from their family from now until the end of the world.
This letter is to regretfully inform you that during your latest visit to the, uh, "hospital", we have discovered an extremely rare but deadly genetic condition. Because of the extreme rarity of the condition, we cannot form a concrete list of symptoms. However, in all the currently known cases the patients began growing new appendages of various sizes from all of their bodily orifices. Naturally, these appendages interfere with normal bodily functions to the point where sustaining life is impossible and the patient usually explodes very violently. Unfortunately, there is no known medical cure for your condition and we also cannot offer you room in our hospice as our nurses really would rather not spend weeks cleaning up bits of you after your passing. While there are no medical cures available, we have heard reports that local and foreign Voodoo Priests may be able to ease the symptoms, or, depending on how far advanced your condition is, reverse it completely. Each Priest generally has his or her own preferred form of payment, but common things include sheep (live), blood of sheep, goats, chickens, children, unborn children, souls of unborn children, and virgins. A list of "hospital"-approved list of Voodoo Priests is available upon request, but we will ask that you have all or most of these items ready prior to contacting them as payment is usually required up-front. We wish you the best in your treatment!