Well, as I write this, my eyes water out of shear desperation. 32 years old and my accomplishments could be counted with a single hand with fingers to spare. For years I wanted to believe that I could change things, that I could make things better. That if I tried hard enough, that if I put enough work into it, I could turn things around for the better. It would seem fate was against me from the start and there was very little if any chance of success for me. Failure was already predetermined from minute 1.
Up until now I believed I was making some progress. Sure my first year back in the states but a bumpy one, but I thought I was finally getting somewhere. But it would seem this was more like the calm before the storm. At this moment I find myself with a mountain of dilemmas slowly crumbling on me and I am beginning to lose my mind. It would seem that regardless how much good I do, how hard I work, I was destined to fail. Ever since I bought my car I have yet to be able to make 1 payment on time. I figured it made more sense to pay for a vehicle that didn’t spend 1 day a week in the shop for repairs than spending the same amount keeping it running. Besides, compared to the $100 plus a week I was spending on gas (when it was around $3.00), I felt the gas savings of a smaller, economical car were worth it. Keeping up with my utility bills has been a nightmare. In the past 2 years I have had my light cut twice and my water 4 times. My cell phones spend at least 3 to 4 days a month disconnected (thank God it’s MetroPCS). Keeping food in the fridge was more of a challenge than hitting a bullseye with an arrow from 12 inches away. All in all I though I was getting the hang of things for a while. After getting a second job, again, I though the extra money would help. But I was not making nearly as much as I hoped and was slowly losing control of my finances again. Now that the season for valet parking is over I am back to 1 job, which means my troubles will only get worse. And they have.
Just a few days ago I spoke with the people from my car loan. Out of embarrassment I had avoided speaking with them till I had a plan to pay my late payments. But my plan had no hope of fixing my current situation. When the agent on the phone mentioned the possibility of losing my car if I don’t pay the 2 months by the end of this month, I found myself internally about to lose it, but managed to make it seem as if everything was a OK. I eventually found a way to solve the problem but the fix would be temporary and I fear I will only sink even further. I can not afford to lose the car or else my wife will have to quite and I will have a hard time getting to work. Well, all of a sudden a moment of hope arrived in the form of a call from a new fast food next to my house that i had applied for a part time. I figured this could provide me with the money I needed to get back on track. Well, turns out my morning job scedule does not make me a likely candidate to get a job. After being told to show up for orientation, I was told I would be called back hopefully next week depending on how things go and if they could use someone who can only come in after 6 PM. They would have liked me to be there at least by 5 but I can’t do that due to my job and my wife’s job. There goes the only hope I had of solving my problems, or at least start working my way out of this hole I’m in. Well, it gets better. My wife was just handed legal papers stating that the owner of the apartment we are currently renting is being sued by his bank for failure to pay the mortgage and that this and maybe other apartments he has may go into foreclosure.
So let’s recap. I may eventually have my car repoed, might lose my car insurance, am hardly able to keep up with my utility bills or food for the house, have not been able to get a part time job that can fit my schedule and is close to home and now I might find myself without an apartment eventually and I don’t have any money to move to a new place. I hope I didn’t miss anything. So all this hard work for nothing. Oh yea, and regardless how hard I work at my job, how much responsibility I am willing to tale, how many more skills and jobs I am willing to learn, I have already come to the conclusion that I will never be able to make enough money to pull myself out of this hole without some college degree of some sort. And going to college to get a degree? Can’t imagine how I will be able to do that considering it will take me at least 2 years before I see any kind of degree and besides needing a part time to make ends meet, I am not sure where I am gonna find the time to study, sleep and spend time with my family.
Considering how overwhelmed I am feeling as I write this, I seriously doubt I will be getting any sleep tonight. I wonder if this is what it feels like jumping out of the window of the 55th floor of a building and watching as death comes at you at terminal velocity? Anything short of a miracle will be the only thing that can save me and my family from this fall I am currently experiencing. When will I hit the floor, only God knows, but I am losing any hope of avoiding the impact.