those of us who don't wanna see the gop implode in 2008 have been holding our collective breath as prospective presidential nominees seek anointing as "chosen candidate" by the elders and high priests of the religious right as well as their legions of valuesvalent voters.
our concerns seem, so far anyway, validated by the fact not one amongst them has been deemed righteous except by comparison to hillary clinton. regarding mitt romney, bob jones university's most recent chancellor, bob jones iii (or iii as he's known to his closest disciples) asked: "What is the alternative, Hillary's lack of religion or an erroneous religion? As a Christian I am completely opposed to the doctrines of Mormonism but I'm not voting for a preacher."
last weekend's family research council straw poll revealed no savior nor much of anything except the obvious: mitt romney's supporters were more willing to 'donate' $1 each to vote for their candidate. romney's victory provoked neither hosannas nor hallelujahs but only a resounding hush from the multitudes.
according to former senator rick santorum, "None of these guys are running because they're social conservatives, They all have problems on these issues, and most of them aren't comfortable talking about them."
romney not only belongs to the wrong church, he came late to the anti-abortion table. mccain and thompson showed their untrue colors by opposing an amendment to our constitution prohibiting same-sex marriages. although a southern baptist pastor (which would seem to make him the obvious sandal-in) arkansas governor mike huckabee is apparently not considered tough enough when it comes to crusading against islam and/or withholding from caesar by cutting taxes.
then there's cross-dressing, queer-loving, divorce-happy rudi giuliani.
james dobson, who merely opposes mccain and thompson, vows to support a third-party candidate should giuliani wind up republican nominee. not to be outdone by dobson, family research council head tony perkins prophesies a 'third party of the disengaged' in that event. asked if there was any way giuliani could get himself right, richard land, president of the southern baptist convention's ethics & religious liberty commission, suggested rudi publicly pledge support for the party's anti-abortion platform plank, to sign any bill that restricts the procedure and veto any attempt to loosen restrictions.
"That would do a lot to mitigate the damage for a lot of people" land allowed while conceding. "it wouldn't suffice for me."
(i've not mentioned ron paul because these days no authentic goldwater republican has a chance in hell of winning the republican nomination even if it didn't require him to get on his knees and kiss some clerical butt.)
despite all the weeping and gnashing of teeth, i say unto you...verily there is good news that has nothing at all to do with spending 15 minutes at geico.com..
two nights ago i was visited by a perplexing dream in which i wandered into a cave and discovered a man with 18 upper limbs each of which held a firearm. i trembled in fear until a voice comforted me be not afraid for he is a long time member of the board and knoweth guns do not kill people. i was then whisked to a city girdled by a belt of road on a stagnant river. i found myself in a great temple on a hill. inside i saw an image of this same man which bore a number: 16. shortly thereafter i saw a herd of cattle numbering 100 all but four of which passed by the image in good health. yet a little while longer another herd passed by but this time 85 of their number fell ill and expired.
when i awoke i was grievously wroth pondering the meaning of this dream. after many hours of fruitless analysis, a loud voice roared in my ear directing me to browseth here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Craig) and read carefully so all might be made clear. .
and behold i discovered a man who dwelleth in this land and whose career is anchored in family values.
each of those 18 firearms symbolize the years he's served on NRA's board of directors. the number 16? he's held national office for 16 years. those 96 healthy cattle represent his 96% approval rating by the american conservative union while the 15 surviving cattle from the second herd match the mere 15 points awarded his voting record by americans for democratic action
if this weren't enough, his name hath recently been on the lips of all those who dwell in our homeland.
a man called larry craig.
i'll admit it sounds crazy. but then so does circumcision or turning your rod into a cobra by slamming it on the floor. so give this some thought before dismissing it outta hand.
had he not been arrested recently, larry might very likely be a number 1 draft choice. for that matter, who's to say he wasn't set up by evildoers intent on keeping him outta the race? i certainly am not gonna accuse larry of engaging in tearoom antics because it's something only he--and his maker--know for sure. but worst case scenario, he had a momentary slip. aren't yall always testifying about loving the sinner but not the sin? how much different is that than voting for the sinner but not the sin?
unlike us fish-belly heathens, you know homosexuality (there, i said it) is simply a choice. gettin straight is merely a matter of a few months rehabilitation. ted haggard is livin proof of that. once again, i'm not making any rash (and very possibly ill-founded) allegations but if craig was tappin his toes in hopes of tappin the guy in the next stall but now realizes his error, he--and he alone among those in the values vanguard--could serve as a role model for and inspiration to those now mired in the dreaded 'downlow'.
i could go on and on...but i won't. if you wanna reject a clear sign from above, nothin i can say will soften your hearts. so i'm not even gonna allude to the fact damn near everyone who can read or locate a tv news broadcast already knows larry craig is poised to be a president for all the people. it's what's known as a 'wide stance'.
so all that's left is rounding off the ticket with a killer vp candidate.
i'm not gonna claim to have been granted any visions here. it ain't needed.
there is in this country a newly reborn christian who's uniquely qualified for the job.
first of all, he's a new convert to christianity. he's an expert on the terrorist groups who hate us for our freedom. he's currently in a semi-undisclosed location and will remain there even if elected. he's a man who won't think twice about blowing cia agent's cover should that be required---and i don't doubt for a second if you hand him a gun, he'll do his best to blast your face off.
bearing in mind there'll never be another dick like cheney, i give you the next best thing (even though he may not have a lesbian daughter): brothers and sisters...the one, the only... youseff ramzi.