The last few days have been fun for me - NOT.
Thankfully between some phone conversation with my fiance late last night, a little bit of my friend MGD (Miller Genuine...) before bed, and a bit of a nap and meditation yesterday a.m. (when I took a mental health day off from work), I finally got a decent block of sleep. I think the beer was probably the most creditable for that, but then again there was the tiredness that existed all along, and yes, talking with my fiance also helped a lot even if some of what we talked about was not really that important. Actually, I should stop a second because everything we've talked about has been important or we wouldn't be talking about those things, but in the grand scheme of things, a lot of what we've been discussing really doesn't amount to much in and of itself. What is important is that we keep addressing the small stuff so it doesn't become kindling for bigger fires later.
Now, with that all said, the one thing I had been finding myself needing over the last few days that might have helped was someone to talk to -- outside of my fiance -- about the issues and questions so I could get outside input and a 3rd party perspective to perhaps smack me back into line or to affirm for me that the positions I've had are not unreasonable. Basically, a therapist. Someone that I could trust to open up with and not fear that what I'm talking about becomes gossip.
As it turns out, today a former co-worker, and great friend (whom I wrote about here long ago, when she was leaving to take another job at a different location) called up and needed a small favor. She needed a ride back to the car dealer that her vehicle was being worked on at and she happened to think enough of me to consider that I'd do her that favor. Sure enough, it was an easy task and this is one of those friends I'd do just about anything for, so I told her yes and at the appointed time went and picked her up. Along the way we got to talking about the pending wedding ceremony and the fact that the invites had been received and I opened up with her how close it seemed to come to that not at all being the case.
In the discussions and disagreements over this past weekend my fiance had postponed sending out the invites as originally discussed because of concerns she had over somethings I had said. We talked about those concerns and got things relatively resolved, but then later, back to the dead horse kicking I went and I started worrying over the idea that her NOT sending out the invites was a huge sign of how much doubt she has, and just how much commitment she has and is showing. That led to more sleeplessness and left me pretty well exhausted and that later got compounded by additional discussion related to plans that fell through that again were talked about and left me feeling even more concerns over the commitment level.
By the time yesterday morning had rolled around, I was working on about 4 days of very little, if downright no measurable amount of, sleep. Not a good place for me to be at all as the lack of sleep further clouds my judgement and lets my mind run around all over the place gathering up fears to further fuel the raging fire of restlessness that was going on.
Thankfully I did get some sleep yesterday morning and did unload a lot of things that I felt I needed to say to my fiance (and she listened to/read in e-mails). During the day, I wound up getting more clean-up done around the house and made some progress on some chores that I had long procrastinated about (home repair chores). Things were pretty good but then at the same time I was left with some lingering questions to the issues I had raised in e-mails and of course my brain took those embers and started building new fires with them. By the time my fiance called and wanted to talk for a few minutes at the end of the night I had opted to self-medicate (as I had warned her I might) and down about 22 oz. of MGD. I knew myself well enough to know that if I had some beer in me that eventually my brain would relax and stop worrying over whatever had been driving it lately (I'm a bit like Homer Simpson in that area that beer gets my brain to take a vacation). I don't drink often at all and have such low tolerance for alcohol that when I do consume it tends to hit me easily and relax my brain very well.
Given recent communications with my fiance about being open with her and trusting her enough to tell her completely what was going on I let fly with everything that was still bothering me about what had been happening between us. I give her credit for being strong enough to listen to it all, though I know she was again left wondering just how much kicking of dead horses I need before I could walk away from issues.
As expected, the beer did it's job and did help me get a decent block of sleep in the night (and yes, having the phone conversation helped too) and by this morning I was feeling better though I had a couple of lingering things that I knew had been lost a bit in the phone conversation (while the beer didn't distract me too much, it did help me lose my train of thought a few times along the way). When my fiance sent over an e-mail asking how I felt about "us" today, I continued the spirit of full disclosure and unloaded about those last few concerns. By then I was telling her that I was and am ready to move on and happy to just be done with those issues, but I'd welcome any further feedback if she had any. I did get a bit back and that feedback and discussion was again helpful to let me know how she's been feeling in some areas. I know she's been exhausted too, and she too is feeling the pressure of getting ready for a wedding that is approaching quickly.
Anyway, circling back around to my former co-worker and friend... as we rode to go drop her off at the auto dealer her vehicle was being worked on at, we talked about everything that had been happening and I knew that I'd found an ear of someone that could talk to me about all of these things and more. Something I'd been missing for a while really, but especially had been in need of lately. I had found my own Lucy Van Pelt in her own little Psychiatric Stand.
Actually, to be fair, what I have in this friend is someone that can translate female-ese and help me figure out just what my fiance is likely looking for despite what she has otherwise communicated to me. Between the both of us, we might yet wind up with a nice symbiotic relationship as she has her own issues in communicating with her own spouse. Again issues that come up because of the differences in how men communicate (fairly directly) vs. how women communicate (not nearly as directly, often times just downright confusing the men in their lives). Learning how to communicate with a spouse effectively, how to avoid bad assumptions is something that can be incredibly valuable to a relationship and I hope my Lucy Van Pelt friend is able to just that with me and me with her.
Sadly, while I do remember my friend, do keep up with her and her family, and do have coming to the wedding, I also tend to forget just how easy I can reach her and just how true of a friend she is. If I need to, I know I can talk to her, or to her husband as someone that is happy to just let me talk for a while. Those are the kinds of true friends that are so invaluable today and I had to remind myself just how lucky I am to know my friend and her own spouse.