Anthropologists at We Are So Smart University discover the next step in human evolution: Immortality.
Cancer cells, dubbed unwittingly for decades “immortal cells” due to a refusal to die, transition human biology from mortal to immortal.
Dr. Ben Gay of We Are So Smart University (WASSU) uncovered the true potential of these immortal cells last week after the culmination of a phase three clinical trial involving 5000 breast cancer patients worldwide over the last five years.
Patients randomized into three arms: no treatment, treatment with diet, and treatment with the Arctic Healing Theory.
The Arctic Healing Theory, introduced by microbiologist Dr. Frigid North twenty years ago when his own wife, Polar North, was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, is considered alternative medicine at best, a deadly hoax at worst. It suggests consuming water from a glacier millions of years old will somehow “turn cancer off” in the post-industrial human body.
Dr. Ben Gay in conjunction with WASSU initiated the trial after a thorough examination of Polar North five years ago. While the examination proved the Arctic Healing Theory did not work as originally hypothesized, (turning off cancer cells), the examination produced a question of evolutionary proportions.
Examination revealed Polar North’s body changed at a molecular level. Changed to such a degree, the cells can no longer be destroyed. She does not age; does not become ill. The cyclical nature of cell regeneration no longer applies and is no longer necessary.
More than any natural disaster, plague, or famine, could cancer, the dreaded disease so many fear, be in fact some sort of evolutionary transition?
Dr. Ben Gay believes so. “Mrs. North (pictured left) is now sixty years old. She has not aged or been sick since the immortal cells took over nearly twenty years ago. It appears to have nothing to do with arctic water. As if on some sort of evolutionary deadline, women from all three arms are experiencing the same evolution as Mrs. North. Not only that, but a few are reproducing, and the offspring are born with the same immortal cell structure. The only negative side effect of this evolutionary change seems to be the appearance of unusual marks, almost like tattoos on each woman. Some are black, others host a wide range of color. There is no one place they appear on the body, but in every instance, they do appear. Truly amazing. Homosapiens will never be the same.”